Mental Health in the Childless 'StepMom'

[LosingMyMind1]

Just in a bit of a low with it all at the moment and need some advice on how others in a similar situation have coped.
No kids of my own, partner has two DD's 7 and 14 who are lovely girls and 50/50 contact. Due to us both working same shift pattern partner has girls 5 days out of our ten day cycle when we are either off or finish at a normal time. This means I have no time at home away from work when girls are not there so I guess it feels pretty full on as either at work or have the girls.
The girls really are lovely I can't stress that enough and that is why I all feeling such guilt but I have moments where I feel so lonely and misunderstood. I'm trying to hard to please everyone and to spend time with everyone but I find myself running away when I can. Partner is so good and involves me and girls do too but sometimes I just feel like such an outsider and feel very overwhelmed by it all. I feel really lonely as don't know anyone personally in this situation and friends feel that it's okay to say things like 'well you knew what you were getting into'....unhelpful as they have no experience of the situation.
I'm not looking to leave the relationship and I'm not saying I hate every moment I'm just asking if anyone else can relate to this and has any tips to handle things or if I really am just an awful person....

1. “Well you know what you were getting into” - this phrase has about as much truth or value as it would if uttered to a new mother struggling with a screaming newborn. Which, by the way, it somehow never seems to be - it’s a stick reserved for struggling step mothers. Mentally throw it out the window.
2. You are not an awful person - you are a person whose emotional needs seem to have been unintentionally squeezed right out of your own relationship and home life.

How long have you been with your DP for? Have you ended up stuck in this rut pretty early on in the relationship? Maybe that would contribute to you feeling like “an outsider” despite your partners and the kids efforts and the amount of time you spend with them. Everyone needs time to adjust - Parents in their kids lives from birth get to adjust and I really think step parents need time to adjust and the relationship itself time to establish before being hit with the full on reality of 50/50 care of 2 kids. Is there any way that things can be juggled slightly to allow you some breathing space? By “things” I mean your shift patterns. Wouldn’t be changing the contact patterns - that would be unfair to the kids and their mum.

I feel like this in the holidays or we have the children a few weekends in a row so I can imagine it must be very overwhelming when you don't have a chance to have down time by yourself.

You don't have to please everyone all the time. Are you doing lots of housework for the children? Cleaning cooking etc? I found once I stopped doing that and left it to OH things felt a bit better.

Thanks both. My partner is trying to move teams so that we are not on the same shift pattern which would mean he had the girls the same amount and it wouldn't affect them just would mean I'd have a few days maybe on my own. That would be the ideal but will just take some time to sort. I think you've hit the nail on the head youseethethingis, I didn't really have time to adjust I suppose and I think it's expected that as a woman you embrace this and take to it like a duck to water!
It makes me feel a bit better that others feel the same in school holidays...It's just very overwhelming isn't it. We share the housework and partner does all the girls washing etc but I would say I did most of the cooking for them. Maybe I should take a step back!

Bless your heart. I can completely relate to this, but I just wanted to say there are things you can do that make life easier!
For context I am a childless step mum and we have my DH full time and contact is at our house twice a month.
I know the absolute feeling of being dropped in the deep end.
So my advice is, take a step back from chores as you may end up feeling resentful, do some but not all and don't feel obliged either. I felt a lot better when it felt like I was doing things for the family because I wanted to and not because I had to.
Have your rest days, so 2 days out of 5 go and see friends and family and have time out. You don't need to participate in every single thing they do together and it always helps if you give them space to spend time with dad. Equally maybe 1 day out of 5 try and do something alone with them to help you feel less excluded. I take my dsd out for girlie things etc and over time I have become her confident over her dad. So if there is anything important I tend to be the first to find out.
Do not listen to any cretins that say you knew what you were getting into. As a child less person we never ever ever have any real idea at all.
And lastly, you're brilliant and your needs are important too.
My last piece of advice is that communication with your dp is absolutely key, if you feel down tell him! He might surprise you with a solution.

Sorry my dh children full time that should read

Just to echo the advice above and that it’s completely normal and ok to feel that way.

Taking time for myself visiting friends/reading a book upstairs or whatever really made a difference to me.

I hope your partner will be able to change his shift so you get more down time and in the meantime make sure to take time for yourself too.