Help me build a good relationship with partner’s autistic teen dd

[LBBob]

My partner of almost 2 years is an absolutely amazing single mum who has normally lovely 14yo dd.
However she really struggles with change and as it has always been just her, my partner and her grandfather she, understandably, has taken a dislike to me.

She refuses to acknowledge me, will hide and break my things if she gets the chance and on the one occasion I have been to their house she started breaking things around the house.
She used to hide or ruin her mum’s things if she knew she had been with me but thankfully she has stopped that now.

I know the most important thing is to take take it slow and be patient - she knew we were dating pretty early on but we didn’t attempt to do things as the three of us until we were together for more than a year and we’ve taken a step back for the last few months.

However any advice on how we could build a healthy relationship so so some day eventually the three of us will be able to live together harmoniously would be massively appreciated.

We always meet on neutral ground and although I try to engage with her and take an interest in her and her special interests she treats this with suspicion.

Thanks all

Its hard to give specific advice as autism has such a large range.

If i was in this situation with my asd child i would get you to back off completely for a few weeks. Only see partner when the dd is at school or something.

When you do get reintroduced use bribery take a gift you know she will like whatever she is into. Most importantly do not get her to acknowledge you. Don't look at her try and get a hello or a thank you out of her do not initiate conversation or even eye contact.

You have to go so very slowly and let her lead in all and any contact.

I think you need to slow it down. Accept that any form of contact will always be on her terms and what she is comfortable with.
Maybe look into things she is interested in and maybe talk about that rather than to her.
I would avoid going to her home until she has had time for you to get used to you.
Asd is such a broad spectrum no one other than her and maybe her mother will know what works and doesn't work. So take the smallest of baby steps on this.
My dss has autism and global delay and if you take him out of his comfort zone or try and do something with him he doesn't want to do he will become anxious, aggressive, self injurious and he will hurt you in any way he can. So please don't push her because all of that is very stressful and unfair to her.

Research how asc presents in girls. It's different in boys. The more you know the more you will understand her and how to respond to her. Say what you mean, plainly and as concisely as possible. Don't try to engage with her. Say hello etc but let her come to you. She will need to watch you and know what you are about. Be consistent and do what you say. Don't tease, joke, use sarcasm or metaphors.
I think HerondaleDucks' suggestion of finding out about the things she's interested in is a good idea. If she chooses to talk to you then you have something in common. Also it could eventually end up being something you can do together.
Give her more time than you think it should be. Writing as an autistic woman, we're worth the wait!