Are teenagers selfish or is it me?

[Isitrainingihadntnoticed]

Please please dont flame me as I do need to just vent. I have my own DD 9, SD and DSS
SD 17 lives with us 5days a week as she doesnt get on so well with her DM so I offered for us to have her more, to make life easier.

I'm starting to regret it, SD works part-time and goes to college etc, shes genuinely lovely.

She just doesnt clean up after herself. She will make a sandwich and leave crumbs, plates and crap every where for me to clean up. I'll make her lunch, dinner etc and she wont even say thank you. I'll call her down for dinner and she will take around 20 mins to come eat her dinner because shes messing around doing selfies. She will then just leave her plate again for us to do. I feel like I'm her maid. She will bang around in her room til 1am. She gets lifts every where or anytime from her dad. Has money off him etc She earns her own money but just buys junk food for herself and her mates, she didnt even get her dad a birthday or xmas card. Expects me to buy her mum Mothers day stuff. I did for her this year as DSS is only 7 and cant buy anything!

I'll come home from work and lights have been left on all day.
Shes always using my stuff too, I got made redundant a fortnight a go so my money is tight as it is to buy make-up etc. She earns about £80 a week at her supermarket job. Surely she can just buy her own deodorant or face wipes?

Her Dad is like "oh well that's what I was like with my mum."

Like I said, please dont flame me, I've been with DP 7 years and cant imagine life without them all but it just gets too much at times. Is this just how teenagers are?

I dont remember being this bad? I did housework and even paid board at that age? Ok I used to do the whole house party thing and stay out late...but they seem.so selfish this day in age.

And now you know why she didn't get on well with her mum!

You simply have to stand up to her. It'll be really hard as it sounds as though your partner won't back you up. You have to do it, though - every single time.

Ye she is a daddies girl and I suppose I find it hard he was having a go about my own DD etc.

She’s like this because she gets away with it.

Your house your rules.

She needs to start cleaning up after herself. If she makes a mess - she goes back and cleans it up. Remind her you are not her slave.

Manners - I can’t abide bad manners. Pull her up in this every time (that should be been nipped in the bud years ago). If she can’t be polite she doesn’t get.

Dinner - give her a 5 minute warning that dinner will be served. If she can’t be bothered coming down for it (which someone has kindly taken the time to make for her) it goes in the bin. You don’t run a restaurant.

Stop subbing her for presents - she’s 17 and earns her own money. She should of learnt by now the gift of giving.

She sounds entitled. Others will say it’s typical teenage behaviour, but IMO this is learnt. You need to start giving her some tough love.

I think that’s normal for a teenager who can get away with it. The answer is not to let her get away with it; have some house rules that you agree with your DH and if she doesn’t keep to them then there’s no money.

I know. I've just had the fear of saying something to her as then I'll be evil step mother xx

I think that before you say anything to her you need to get your DH on board, so decide on the 2 or 3 things that bother or upset you most and agree between you what DSS behaviour (& all the other children’s behaviour) should be. Then talk to DSS together. Be very specific, so clearing away dirty crockery after making or eating food, coming to dinner as soon as called etc. Then enforce the rules every time. But ensure they apply to everyone, within reason allowing for their age

I would leave her mess for your DP to either make her clean up or clean up herself. If you do it, it’s easy for both of them not to bother.

She’s old enough to make her own lunch/dinner or your partner can do it. If you’re making dinner for everyone else, then call her once and if she doesn’t come she gets cold dinner. No skin off your nose. Again plates etc your DP can do.

Hide your makeup (maybe get a lockable box to store it in) so she can’t steal it.

Your DP can arrange the mother’s day stuff for his kids.

Depending on what she’s doing banging around, maybe turning the wifi off at 10 might help.

I really think taking a massive step back and putting the responsibility back where it belongs - with your partner - is the only answer. You’ll feel a lot better and you might find your partner actually parents when is down to him to pick up her slack!

I think we share a DSD. Mine has recently moved in and is driving me insane but your post has made me feel less alone so thank you 😊

Of course you need to talk to her, the key is about how you do so. If you talk to her with great authority, a harsh fed up tone, and a thunder face, she will likely react defensively even though she'll know you're right. If you take a gentle approach, pick the right time, use a bit of humour but making it clear that she had to make a change, then it is much more likely to pass OK. The key with teenagers is to make them want to do things even if only to show to themselves they can be mature and responsible. If they feel treated like kids, they will respond in a strop and have tantrums.

She's a bit old to need retraining but I'd call her back every single time. And I'd absolutely ban her, and everyone else, from my room.

You need to set ground rules (and get your DH to agree to back you up). He will probably be reluctant as he will be afraid she will go back to spending more time with her mum and yes, she might because part of the reason for being at yours is probably because she gets away with more.

There also needs to be consequences for her not sticking to the rules, again backed up by her dad. Lots of people will say it's normal teen behaviour, I say bad behaviour only becomes the norm if it is tolerated. There is no way my 16yo DD or her brothers at that age would ever have got away without saying please or thank you for example. Make a mess, get called down to tidy up. Stand at her bedroom door until she comes and does it (or even better get her dad to do so). He doesn't give her lifts until she behaves.

Good luck!

Stop cleaning up after her. When you cook...she can dish her portion when she wants.

Draw up a rota for the dishes or everyone washes their own stuff.

I can't believe you buy mothers day stuff for her to give her mum.

Yes teenagers can be selfish...but this is ridiculous. My DDs have been buying me mothers day cards and gifts since about year 6.

No wonder she doesn't get on with her mum.

Saying thank you is common courtesy. Pull her up on it...gently. Her behaviour is as a result of her parenting.

Decide which rules you want in place, daily and weekly chores. Stick to the rules and chores. Decide from the beginning what the consequences will be. And take some time to spend with her, that could be simply doing the dishes together and putting on her music while u do it and talking? This will all bed tough though - must be a difficult relationship to forge - you can do it though!