Sleeping arrangements

[MyHomey]

Hello,
I have an 8 yo SD who I have known since she was 4, and have a very good relationship with, as does her Dad. She stays with us about 3/4 weekends and a night during the week.

She is well behaved, outgoing and loving. The only issue we have is bed time. At home she sleeps with her Mum every night. She does this because they stay at her Grandparents house most nights as it's closer to her mums work and it helps with childcare (which we totally understand).

The problem is, she doesn't like sleeping on her own and it causes problems at bed time. We go through phases where sometimes she's ok, and other times she has a melt down. It's hard to tell if it's her trying to delay bed time or she's genuinely scared to sleep on her own. I think it can be a mixture of the 2. DH stays with her until she's asleep, and normally once she's asleep she's fine until the morning, occasionally she'll come downstairs and DH will take her back up, in the past this could happen 3-4 times a night, and she would often end up in our bed, but she has started sleeping through more which is great. I never want her to dread coming to ours because of the thought of sleeping alone.

Any tips on how we can make her feel better? Like I said, often she's fine, but sometimes she's really upset :( I thought she'd grow out of it, but it's been 4 years. TIA

Wow that was a long post, sorry!!

No advice I’m afraid, but we have the same issue with my DSD who is 7 - still needs cuddled to sleep, wakes up crying and moaning during the night etc. Never sleeps a night in her own bed at her mums. Doesn’t know how to get herself off to sleep. It’s so bad, I’ll be spending my wedding night on my own because STBH will be in sleeping with DSD. Better that than risk having to deal with a tantrum when we will all have had a long day.
If anyone comes along with bright ideas on this I’ll be interested to read them, too!

My DD struggled a lot to sleep alone. Audio books were what worked breast for her. She would put on a familiar story of she found herself awake at night and fall back to sleep without needing to wake us. When I first moved in with DP (and needed to stop her climbing in in the night) I had a lot of broken nights taking her back to her own bed every time and staying til she settled. I think if you do that you should stay if they need you but give them no quality interaction - ie no conversation other than "time to sleep now. We can talk in the morning"

@Firefliess I think audiobook are a good idea. We have 'sleepy paws' on whilst she goes to sleep, but turn it off once she's gone off. Maybe we need to have something playing all night. Thanks for the advice.

@Youseethethingis the three of us slept in a bed on our wedding night! But she was so good for the rest of the wedding, I was ok with it (plus I was so tired, we wouldn't have had any 'alone time' anyway I doubt!! I hope it gets better for you.

Last night was a particularly bad night. She woke up and 10.30 and 11.30 and DH took her back up and waited until she fell asleep (both times fairly quick). Then again at 3.30, when DH just said to her that she had to go back up and that she shouldn't be coming down when everyone has school and work tomorrow. She went back up, had a wee and went back to sleep... First time she's gone on her own! So unsure if that's a win or a loss!!

Im shattered (22 weeks pregnant and 4 hours sleep 😴) I wonder what it will be like when the baby's here... although that's a whole new thread right there!

Honestly, as you guys don’t have her long, I don’t think you should start any change to her bedtime routine. It could end up putting her off coming over. What your DH is doing is fine - make the offer of decorating her room available but leave it to your DD to decide when she’s ready to sleep alone.

Considering her age I definately think it needs tackling, It cant be nice for her to be scared all the time, does she have a lamp in her room, I always remember feeling safer when I was a kid if it wasnt dark? Is it possible she is having nightmares?
Have you tried a dream catcher ?

I'm not sure you want to have anything playing all night. Better to teach her how to put the music or story that she likes on herself if she finds herself awake in the night. 8 year olds can work media players pretty well! Almost all people wake at times in the night. It's about teaching children not to panic if they find themselves awake and alone, to know that that's ok, and that they will fall back to sleep soon without needing to wake an adult up to help them.

As she's with you nearly half the time it ought to be possible for her to learn these skills with you, even if she's still sleeping in with her mum on other nights. Though would be ideal if your DP could work with his ex to tackle the issue together.

How about getting her a body pillow to replicate the sensation of someone in the bed with her. Some have fuzzy covers and you might be able to find one that looks like a stuffed animal. But I do think you need to gently get her to go back to sleep on her own. She will start to want to have sleepovers with her friends in a year or so.

My DD is the same but fortunately she shares a room with her sister. There's a big difference between 8 and 9, especially nearly 10 so hopefully you have only another year of it.

@Teddybear45 I understand what you're saying, but we do have her at least two nights a week, so it is quite often. The problem is, sometimes she is absolutely fine! Goes to bed with no issues and sleeps through, then sometimes she regresses! And it's hard to pinpoint if she really is scared, or likes delaying bed time / going back to sleep. But we will take it gently with her, the absolute worst case scenario would be her not wanting to stay. Her room is already a lovely little girls room, but we may also say she can redecorate when the baby comes (an extra benefit of the new addition!)

@PinkCrayon Yes she has a little night light and actually complained last night it was too light in her room, so we turned it off (but it's always available), we so also have a dream catcher and she's had it since she was 4 and she really loved it. I don't think she has nightmares... she doesn't say she has and I'm sure she would tell us. I think sometimes she wakes herself up turning over and coughing/needing a wee etc.. all the standard stuff. If she ever had a nightmare we would never send her back to bed alone.

@Firefliess Your post makes a lot of sense. We have been working with her mum to get her settled into getting to sleep by herself the first time e.g. after a story, DH will sit outside her room whilst she listens to 'sleepy paws' and falls asleep herself, and her Mum does the same. It's the waking in the night which differs so much from our houses as it's by herself vs by her mum. I know none of this is her fault at all, it's only what she's used to! But we're just trying to get her to adapt to both so she can feel comfortable wherever she stays (home, ours, friends, family etc)

@SeaToSki LOVE this idea! Will get her one and see if she likes it! :)

@SwayingInTime that's good to know :) it's funny, this morning when DH spoke to her about it, her response was really relaxed "oh yeah, sorry about that!" So it doesn't seem to be such an issue/worry for her that she is bothered all the time. I know as soon as she grows out of it, our new baby will slot right into her place and we'll prob have similar issues for the next 8 years!!

@MyHomey funny you should say that you’re expecting, I’m 28 weeks pregnant (wedding is next month) and absolutely not in any condition to be sharing a bog standard double with new hubby and a 7 year old who wears 10-11 clothes 🙈

This is more common than I thought. My DSD also always sleeps with her mum. It took a long time for us to realise this and when we did, it explained a lot of night time /bed time behaviour!

I have read around this subject as both of my OH's kids used to want to be in bed with us and right through the night too. They would go to bed in their own beds, but the younger one in particular would come in very shortly after we'd gone to bed ourselves, which made for a terrible night's sleep for both me and OH.

Apparently it's quite common in children with a single parent to struggle to sleep alone, as many of single parents allow (or even encourage) their child to sleep with them as it's nicer for the parent compared to sleeping alone, and is also just easier to let them climb in than have to constantly resettle them.

However, this obviously leads to issues whenever the child does have to sleep alone, particularly in the other parent's house where there may not be the possibility to sleep in the bed with them.

I think at 8 it definitely is something that needs to be tackled, even if it's just by helping SD to understand that when she's at her dad's she has to sleep in her own bed, regardless of whether she sleeps with her mum usually or not.

I'm sure if she had a sleepover at a friend's house she would resettle herself if she woke up during the night, so the capability is probably there, it's just the understanding that she needs to do that when she's at your house.