Life turned upside down by arrival of DH long lost daughter

[MadHouseMaster]

Hi, I really need some advice, I’m not really sure what to do!
I’ll give a bit of background but I’ll try and keep it short.
Been with DH for 19 years, married for 15, have 2 children age 13 and 9.
When I met DH I knew he had a 3 year old DD. He saw her regularly and even I met her.
He decided to move few hundred miles away to be with me, was still in touch with DD we both spoke to her on the phone. We arranged for her to stay with us and when he went to collect her her mum never turned up with her, cut off her phone and moved. Never heard from them again. Fast forward 19 years and through the power of Facebook she’s back in our lives and now a 22 year old woman with a child of her own and another on the way.
DH was very shocked to learn he was a grandad, we had to tell our kids everything too.
It was DH’s sister that found her and instead of telling him she proceeded to make contact first and friend her on Facebook.
First of all I felt annoyed with SIL as we had to rush in to tell the kids (mainly before eldest saw anything on Facebook) DH DD wanted contact so DH sent her a message which I helped with, then they were messaging constantly, every day. He would come home from work and be glued to his phone. It was like I’d helped him take the first steps and then was surplus to requirements.
Then he wanted to meet her ASAP (SIL also wanted to meet her but he wanted to before her so it was just me and him that went) he didn’t want me to meet her he wanted to do it by himself which was totally fine but that then left me walking around for 5 hours while he was with her. I met her in the end because she asked to.
Anyway, the thing is, before we met her I saw the messages he was sending and I thought things were going to fast, he was saying he loved her etc. This felt a bit weird to me but I guess I’m not in his shoes. Also, he was arranging days and times to go without discussing it with me and then he wouldn’t let me read the messages anymore. After we had met her we said that we would go again with our kids. Again he’s been messaging her arranging things without discussing them with me first. I feel totally pushed out which he denies he’s doing. He wants me involved and to be a grandmother type figure to her children but doesn’t seem to want to share any conversations or anything with me. In my head she was always a 3 year old girl and now she’s rocked up as a fully grown woman with her own kids and I feel that I’m just expected to go with it. It’s probably absolutely awful but I wish this wasn’t happening, my eldest hasn’t taken it well and I’m trying to be positive to help him too. It might sound mad but it feels like he’s got another woman!
He apologised for making arrangements the first time but has done it again and he apologised for saying I was unsupportive when that’s all I’ve been.
I know about messages as I’ve been reading them without him knowing which I hate doing but can’t seem to stop as he’s being so secretive.
Any advice on how I can move forward with this would be much appreciated.
Thanks

[lovinglifexo]

I don’t want to add the same comments but I know you feel like people are hating but people are literally just saying what most people would think/ believe if they heard of ur story.

• reAding messages is controlling
  
• he needs to build a relationship with his daughter
  
• what he did is awful
  
• what you did was awful
  
• how u feel is rather Irrelevant; it’s not about u
  

the fact you didn’t tell ur children tells me you probably weren’t looking for her as hard as u say u were

[BlackPrism]

Of course he already says he loves her, she's his daughter and the love is implicit.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Your husband made some awful decisions years ago, and you reinforced those.

He's been gifted a chance to make it up to her, possibly more than he deserves so easily.

Please don't repeat the mistakes from all those years ago and really check your thinking.
he was saying he loved her etc. This felt a bit weird to me. Are you weirded out that he loves your kids? Would it be wring for him to tell them when they're adults he loves them? No? It's the same thing. Would you stop loving your kids if your husband disappeared with them? Just, nah, out of sight out of mind? No? Exactly!

Your kids are rightfully angry, you both lied to them their entire lives. But the more you can show them, fake or not, that you're so happy they have their sister back in their lives, the quicker they have a chance to accept it

[sue51]

Sorry to sound brutal but your DH had a daughter he did not pay 15 years worth of maintenance for. Maybe that was why he didn't try and find her.

[NoCauseRebel]

You say you were only nineteen at the time. How old was he? Because while on the surface it seems incredibly selfish and self centred to have not pursued contact after the child’s mother moved away, I can see how that could be perceived differently if e.g. the man fathered this child at sixteen and was himself only nineteen having potentialy never had a relationship with the mother as opposed to being say 25 at the time, iyswim.

Interestingly I know at least two people who have children from teenage relationships who fathered children and the mothers moved away without telling them where they’d gone and never bothering to keep in touch, and in one situation even not telling the father existed until the child was older. In both instances the children have re-established contact with their fathers into their teenage/adult years.

It’s very easy to talk about how this man was an arsehole for abandoning his child etc, but let’s not forget that there was a mother in this equation here too who willingly moved away with her child. And no, mother does not always equal good and father always equal bad. On MN in fact women, especially younger women, are often advised to not name the father on the birth certificate so as to ensure they have no rights and where possible to move away so they can have nothing to do with the child growing up.


Where the wrong occcurred is the fact that the man and his partner never told their subsequent children that they have an older half sibling who they have no contact with, and so naturally now that that half sibling has got back in touch the children are feeling resentful and possibly even betrayed over the fact they have never been told the truth and are suddenly expected to celebrate the arrival of a sibling they never knew existed.

Also, the OP reading her husband’s messages and seeing this girl as the other woman in the relationship is wrong. If the mother genuinely disappeared and the father was unable to pursue contact there was always a chance that the child might seek out contact once she grew up, and that was something which the OP clearly didn’t think through at the time.

TBH it’s a bit of a minefield, and while I am generally incredibly judgemental of any parent who loses touch with their children, there definitely are instances where it’s not that black and white, and you only have to look at mn to see that women actively avoiding their ex’s having any kind of relationship with children is something which is often actively encouraged.

[PinkCrayon]

I cant understand why you didnt tell your kids.
You and your dh are the ones in the wrong here and have been the whole way through not bothering to find her and not even telling your kids.
You sound jealous and controlling.
If my kid was taken away by my ex I would go to the ends of the earth to find them. Nothing would stop me and I certainly wouldnt keep their existance a secret.
Do whats right and welcome her in with open arms its the least she deserves.

[Hollowvictory]

Poor girl.
Dad moves hundreds of miles away
Mum moves and does not give dad the new details
Dad doesn't bother to track her down
Heartbreaking
I'm not really sure what your issue is though? Yes it can turn lives upside down when long lost family members turn up. 🤷‍♀️

[Gruzinkerbell1]

Sounds really tough OP, but other than drumming into your DH that he needs to run plans by you first (like any normal plans), what else can you hope for? You can’t force either of them to take a step back or slow down. As much as it might feel like it, she’s not an OW and is not a dirty secret. She’s unlikely to go away so you all need to find a comfortable way to move forward with your new family.

[SandyY2K]

You don't need to read their messages, it's really none of your business tbh.

There is nothing wrong with him saying he loves her. She's his daughter...that's the least I'd expect from him.

I question the love and dedication of any parent who moves so far away from their young child for a GF/BF. You're DH has a lot of making up to do...let him get on with it.

[Honeyroar]

His poor daughter has been thoroughly let down by both her parents earlier in her life (him for moving, his mother for blocking contact, him for not trying hard enough to find her). She now has a chance of getting to know her dad and he her. For all that's happened, they're both clearly delighted to be back in contact. You have had a shock, and are worried about your children, but you can't be controlling or jealous here. Let everyone get to know each other, spend time together. It will settle down. Your OH obviously feels guilty about what she's been through and is putting a lot into rebuilding the relationship. That's good really.

[BrendasUmbrella]

I can't believe you've called her the other woman.

Genetic Sexual Attraction is a real phenomenon, and sadly not an common one. I actually have experience of this though I cut my biological father off after the first romantic text, there were no reciprocal feelings from my side.

I'm not saying that's what this is, but it happens.

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/relationships/disgusted-by-incest-genetic-sexual-attraction-is-real-and-on-the/

[pikapikachu]

I'm not surprised that your h feels love for his woman. Did you think that he'd stopped loving her because they weren't in contact?

Your children should have known about their half-sister earlier. I suspect that most people will be questioning why they didn't know so I'll leave it there.

I'm sorry but you're acting like he's got a mistress or has taken up a super time-consuming hobby. I understand why you might think that this reunion is too intense and moving at light speed but he's neglected her for a long time and must be so happy.

I don't know why you think that you have a right to dictate access to messages and that he asks for permission to see her.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

I'm surprised she wants anything to do with him. He moved hundreds of miles for a new girlfriend leaving her behind then didn't make much of an effort to find her. No police, no court route etc it would seem.

You reap what you sow. You decided to have a family with a partner knowing all this info and then decided to not tell the other children.

[DuckWillow]

I feel a bit sorry for you here OP, people have piled in based on what you’ve said without considering any other details you might not have been able to share.

I can on,y give you a bit of perspective from the experience of my niece whose father did a disappearing act before she was born (a bit different to your situation I know).

My sister was only 21 at the time and he pretty much went underground. He certainly never paid any money to my sister towards raising her DD.

Fast forward 25 years and he made contact out of the blue with my niece which was a shock for her. They did keep in touch for a while but it was never great and now four years on she is NC with him.

I think what I am trying to say is that you have to let them sort this out for themselves. It may be that this girl will have a lot of of questions and wants a lot of contact at the moment. Don’t count on this continuing long term...it might and she and you DH plus your children and you might all be able to build a good relationship but it’s going to take time.

[stuffedpeppers]

this girl is his daughter

[poppingoff]

@DuckWillow what reasonable explanations are there for their behaviour.

OP says it was simply due to distance, lack of money and resources, that they didn't know how to go about it.

Found the money to get married and bring another two kids into the world though

[Jaimemai]

I am not sure why everyone is so suprised that the dad was not around. It is horrible to hear about that poor girl. Bit Ive heard it many times. There are plenty of deadbeat dads around who shirk their responsibilities and go off with a new woman. I am a bit surprised at the OPs reaction though. Surely OP you should see that a father and daughter should have a relationship. Why should he show you the messages? Calling her the other woman after all she has been through seems very cruel. She didnt know him for 19 years

[DuckWillow]

I suspect he will ultimately pay the price for that poppingoff much like my niece’s father has. He wants contact but sadly for her that ship has sailed.

I guess what I was trying to say (very badly) is that the OP thinks life will change for ever. I don’t think she can assume that long term as the daughter may well do what my niece did.

[InTheHeatofLisbon]

I think your DH is very, very lucky that his DD is open to a relationship, and wants to be part of his life. I think he's grabbed the opportunity with both hands because he knows he fucked up in the past and has been given a second chance by his now adult DD and doesn't want to lose her again.

Honestly? I think you need to back off, because she hasn't come in all guns blazing screaming at both of you for abandoning her, she's come in with her family and tried to be part of yours.

Why you're threatened by that really is beyond me. She's every bit his child as much as your children together. It's not her fault he moved, it's not her fault he didn't try harder and it's not her fault you both forgot about her for however many years.

She's being far more accommodating and friendly than I'd be in that situation.

Why aren't you?

[InTheHeatofLisbon]

It's also not her fault that neither of you told your DC they had a sister.

[Persimmonn]

How in the hell did you “not get around” to telling your children they have an older half sibling?! You treated her like a dirty secret, so having to tell your kids suddenly is your fault. You’ve spent 20 years with a man and had him all to yourself without the “annoying” other child. Stay back and let your dh build a relationship now, it’s her turn.

I can’t believe in 20 years your husband or you didn’t think about getting back in touch and finding her. You sound like terrible people. And that comment about her being the “other woman”; you’re sick. You ARE the other woman to his daughter. What a horrible way to think about their relationship.

[InTheHeatofLisbon]

I missed the "other woman" comment.

Sexualising a father/daughter relationship is sick. Properly twisted and sick.

Before anyone says anything about GSA yes, it happens but NOTHING OP says indicates it applies here.

[EBearhug]

Please don't underestimate how hard this is for your DC. I've been there (as an adult, so presumably more resilient) and it was fucking awful.

Same here. If they had absolutely no idea, it really is a shock - and if your parents never told you about something that big, what else might they have lied to you about (because it is a lie by omission.) What else, who else in your life can you even trust any more, if this has been hidden from you all these years? It really does turn your whole world view upside down.

You can't change the past - and I can see that, having not mentioned it from the outset, it never is quite the right time to tell children (which is why it should be mentioned from the start, but such is the benefit of hindsight.)

Things happened, contact was lost, and now here you are. In many ways, what happened in the past and people's culpability isn't relevant, because you can’t change the past, only what happens next.

Other than saying your elder child hasn't taken it so well, you haven’t really mentioned your DCS, but the effects on them of suddenly discovering they have a half-sister is really massive, and if your DH is spending all his time communicating with his oldest daughter, what effect is that having on them? Are they being allowed to develop a relationship with their half-sister and nieces/nephews? Are they just feeling cast aside and surplus to requirements, now the "original" family is there? I think this is the ara you should be tackling your DH about. (I also agree that things will settle down, but the damage may have been done by then.)

[Jaimemai]

I think that alot of stepmothers are jealous of their stepdaughters. My fathers new girlfriend always seemed to resent me: any other female being close to him. That poor woman. Talk about someone who has had a terrible life. I hope you wise up OP and be kind to her