Life turned upside down by arrival of DH long lost daughter

[MadHouseMaster]

Hi, I really need some advice, I’m not really sure what to do!
I’ll give a bit of background but I’ll try and keep it short.
Been with DH for 19 years, married for 15, have 2 children age 13 and 9.
When I met DH I knew he had a 3 year old DD. He saw her regularly and even I met her.
He decided to move few hundred miles away to be with me, was still in touch with DD we both spoke to her on the phone. We arranged for her to stay with us and when he went to collect her her mum never turned up with her, cut off her phone and moved. Never heard from them again. Fast forward 19 years and through the power of Facebook she’s back in our lives and now a 22 year old woman with a child of her own and another on the way.
DH was very shocked to learn he was a grandad, we had to tell our kids everything too.
It was DH’s sister that found her and instead of telling him she proceeded to make contact first and friend her on Facebook.
First of all I felt annoyed with SIL as we had to rush in to tell the kids (mainly before eldest saw anything on Facebook) DH DD wanted contact so DH sent her a message which I helped with, then they were messaging constantly, every day. He would come home from work and be glued to his phone. It was like I’d helped him take the first steps and then was surplus to requirements.
Then he wanted to meet her ASAP (SIL also wanted to meet her but he wanted to before her so it was just me and him that went) he didn’t want me to meet her he wanted to do it by himself which was totally fine but that then left me walking around for 5 hours while he was with her. I met her in the end because she asked to.
Anyway, the thing is, before we met her I saw the messages he was sending and I thought things were going to fast, he was saying he loved her etc. This felt a bit weird to me but I guess I’m not in his shoes. Also, he was arranging days and times to go without discussing it with me and then he wouldn’t let me read the messages anymore. After we had met her we said that we would go again with our kids. Again he’s been messaging her arranging things without discussing them with me first. I feel totally pushed out which he denies he’s doing. He wants me involved and to be a grandmother type figure to her children but doesn’t seem to want to share any conversations or anything with me. In my head she was always a 3 year old girl and now she’s rocked up as a fully grown woman with her own kids and I feel that I’m just expected to go with it. It’s probably absolutely awful but I wish this wasn’t happening, my eldest hasn’t taken it well and I’m trying to be positive to help him too. It might sound mad but it feels like he’s got another woman!
He apologised for making arrangements the first time but has done it again and he apologised for saying I was unsupportive when that’s all I’ve been.
I know about messages as I’ve been reading them without him knowing which I hate doing but can’t seem to stop as he’s being so secretive.
Any advice on how I can move forward with this would be much appreciated.
Thanks

[TacoLover]

You're the one who feels pushed out? When that poor woman's dad moved hundreds of miles away from her just for you?

[SandyY2K]

I think the sister contacting the DD is fine. She may not have been in agreement with her brother abandoning his DD at such a young age by moving so far away.

It seems after the initial period where her mother moved away...that was it. You thought that would be the end and she was out of sight and out of mind.

With the advancement in social media he could have made a lot more effort to find her....but now he's back in contact.. let them try and build a bond.

They've both missed out on many years of a father daughter relationship and they deserve some privacy without you snooping on their messages.

[Magda72]

@PinkCrayon I'm honestly not condoning it. What I'm trying to say is that I think there are reasons, other than fecklessness, why it happened initially, & I can see why it then grew legs. I didn't get the impression from the op that she thinks he/they behaved well or made good decisions. I also didn't get the impression that she was excusing her current behaviour. I personally got the impression that she knows her dh should have tried harder & that she's knows they've fecked up & need to make it right but that her current feelings are also confusing her & this is what she was looking for advice on. Sometimes people do a bad thing which they are deeply ashamed of - but this does not mean they are always bad people.
What's done is done & the guy can only move forward now, but he needs to build a relationship with his dd that includes his other 2 kids (& op) rather than creating a relationship in a vacuum which is only going to divide his family.

[feelingsinister]

@Magda72 I think in some ways past behaviour is relevant in how to handle the current situation.

The OP and her husband surely have to consider what has led them to this point. The OP getting jealous and secretly reading messages is not helpful, especially as she is a fundamental part of the estrangement with her stepdaughter.
It's also relevant to how her own children are handling this.

[PinkCrayon]

Magda I name change quite a bit and usually agree with you alot but I do feel in this case you are condoning it especially using the age thing. He wasnt desperatly young like 13 he was an adult. And even then as he matured through life he still didnt try never contacting her or even acknowledging her existence to his children, only developing a relationship once his sister got into contact with her when she herself was a full grown adult.
I cant see how it would be a shock it was no secret that he had a daughter so it wasnt unlikely she would pop up at some stage in the future.
If he tried to find his daughter if he fought for her I could see your point but he didnt acknowledge she even existed all the way through life until now.
I think people were right to call op and her partner out on his shitty treatment of his kid, If it were frowned upon alot more there would be less useless fathers.
There should be the same stigma attached to a feckless father as there would be an absent mother.

[Magda72]

Acc to the op it was a fluke the sil found her - she knew someone who happened to know her & then the sil made contact. The sil wasn't actively looking for her. Reading back over OP's posts that's my understanding of it but maybe I picked it up incorrectly.

[sue51]

The sil managed to find the dd through facebook. Why on earth couldn't her father manage that? In my opinion he owes a huge thanks to his sister for doing what he should have done.

[Magda72]

Yes @PinkCrayon - we don't know the full story. But what we do know is that op came on here looking for advice having had a shock and instead of offering advice on how to handle the CURRENT situation, virtually everyone jumped on her; telling her how awful she is; how awful her dh is; how the woman in question must have had a dreadful life because OP's awful dh abandoned her & to butt out of their burgeoning relationship as it's none of her business. Hardly anyone gave her advice on what to do NOW, which is just typical of this board - the worse is always assumed of sms & dfs.
The OP's dh was not a man in his 30's who walked out on his established family thus denying his sister a relationship with her niece. He was a very young man who split up with his dd's dm very early on in his dd's life & at a very young age and as such, imo, his sis had no right to contact his dd, a woman she had no relationship with as a child, without discussing it with him.
I'm not for one minute condoning this man's past behaviour but he was not alone in denying his dd a relationship with him - the dm is just as culpable, & browbeating the op for their behaviour and choices is pointless & unfair.

[PinkCrayon]

Magda whilst I agree that step mums arent treated well on here I have no sympathy in regards to the op.
I am a step mum. If you know about a child you cant be shocked when they turn up. You cant be shocked when your kids find out about them because you chose to not tell them their whole life.
I actually think the sil was right on finding her. I think too many famillies turn a blind eye when it comes to fathers not bothering with their kids. There is a problem with absent fathers in this country and more famillies should call them out on it and keep in contact with the children.
I look on this situation as a step mum and as a mother whose children were abandoned by their Dad he spent years lieing saying he was stopped access which was easier to do than actually bothering.
He didnt and still doesnt pay maintenance.
How do you know magda that she did try and get maintenance from him but was unable to as he avoided paying? Many absent fathers and active fathers avoid maintenance that is not proof the mum did anything wrong. If anything it reflects poorly on him.
I would have more sympanthy if he tried to track her down and took her to court but as he didnt and as he lied about even having a daughter to his kids I dont think he can be trusted in the first place.

[Magda72]

@aprarl the child was mentioned again according to the op. Empathy means being able to put yourselves in other peoples' shoes & while I don't for one minute agree with what either the dm or df did in this situation I can understand why they possibly behaved as they did, given their ages & the circumstances. People don't always push people away or walk away from situations because they are bad or uncaring people - sometimes it's the only thing they know how to do at a certain point in time and believe it or not sometimes they do believe they are doing the right thing - for all we know maybe the OP's dh thought that after all this time he was doing the right thing staying out of his dd's life, especially given the fact that the dm obviously wanted nothing to do with him.
Whatever the story is it wasn't & isn't the OP's to correct.

[feelingsinister]

It sounds like a really tough situation but I think you just have to suck it up and take it at their pace. You don't have a right to read their messages to each other or question whether things are going too fast (19 years too slow imo).

People are focused on his lack of attempts to find his daughter when her mother moved (it really wouldn't have been very hard at all) but actually the damage seems to have been done when your husband happily moved away to be with you, leaving his daughter behind.

Honestly, you have both completely fucked this up from the minute he decided to move hundreds of miles away from his young child. You can keep a relationship with a three year old over the phone. She needed a dad not a phone pal.

You then lied to your own children for many years.

It's a bit of a mess really isn't it but you do both have the chance to make things ok. It'll take honesty and patience and probably some uncomfortable conversations.

Let them spend as much time together as they need, be supportive and get involved. If you're not feeling it initially, give it time. His daughter sounds very understanding and mature in the way she's dealing with this. I'm not sure I would be.

I do hope it all works out well and everyone enjoys the new family dynamic eventually.

[KennDodd]

It sounds like you're going to be really upset when he gives her the 15 years of child support he owes.

[aprarl]

Not one person has "absolved the mother". But it's great that you can completely understand just letting a child vanish and never mentioning them again Magda. What a wonderful empathetic creature you are, I'm in awe.

[InceyWinceyette]

OP, he must be having a very personal and very intense relationship to this news. It is a huge and overwhelming thing. He isn’t reunited with a family friend that you both had an equal relationship with.

He must have years of suppressed gnawing wondering about his Dd. He may be reflecting on whether he was right to relocate so far from his child to be with you. He may be feeling guilty about that.

He needs time to work this through and you need to give him the space and support to do that. It isn’t a shared journey. It’s his.

[Magda72]

I'm actually very shocked at this thread - without knowing the exact details virtually everyone jumped on the op, laid into her & her dh all the while absolving the dm of any blame!!! So typical of MN - the golden uterus can do no wrong, all dads are shite & all sm's are awful & jealous.
People make mistakes, especially when they are young because when you're 18/19 it's very hard to foresee the long term consequences of your actions as (generally speaking) you don't have much life experience. In this case two very young people got pregnant and they BOTH handled it badly. The dm should have had the df on the birth cert & she should never have moved away without leaving contact details, but she did & she was young & obviously didn't want the df in her life at all (as if she had she'd have looked for maintenance) & possibly just wanted to start over - right for her maybe but not her dd. And yes the OP's dh should have fought harder & looked harder but he was 19 & then 21, not on the birth cert, still very young and obviously without finances & resources. And yes, maybe he blocked things out to cope - again right for him but not his dd.
And to all those calling the op a dreadful person - it was NEVER her responsibility to advocate for this child; that was for the child's parents to do & for whatever reason the dm chose a certain path as did subsequently, the df. And all of this IS the OP's business as her children are this now woman's siblings as well as her dh's child! Imo it's perfect normal for the op to feel left out & that her world has upended. To that end op it's good you spoke to your dh & things are now more out in the open. I hope things work out for your family & you all get to enjoy each other in a new set up.
Honestly there is an empathy chip missing on MN & the way people just jump in constantly placing blame on sms - no matter WHAT the issue - is very frustrating.
Furthermore there is nothing to suggest this woman has had an awful life so why are people assuming she has? It is quite possible that her dm reared her successfully as a single mum or that her dm married & she was raised in a stable loving environment albeit with a man who wasn't her birth dad.
And don't even get me started on the behaviour of the sil who was bang out of order to make contact with this woman without speaking to her db first! Nobody seems shocked by that at all which I personally think is a gross violation of both the woman's & the df's privacy & if she were my sister or sil I'd be hauling her over the coals for her behaviour.

[SandyY2K]

If I found a long lost DD .... I'd like to feel I could have a message exchange without my DH snooping or demanding to know what we were saying to each other.

Their conversations are none of your business. It's fine to ask him how she's doing...if they're plans to meet up and even discuss when she may meet your DC.

Them having a big sister isn't pushing you out. Be welcoming to her and try to get to know her as time goes on.

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

I feel very sorry for you, your DC and your step daughter. I think your husband is now feeling guilty and maybe he's blaming you on some level (possibly not consciously) for his poor choices - because he chose to move away from his child to be with you. Of course that isn't fair or rational but often feelings aren't fair and rational. Might be why he is excluding you.
I think you do need to remind him that his other children might be feeling displaced. He might be full of excitement but for them, everything is different. Things like birth order, being the only girl etc have more importance than people realise and having the whole dynamic of the family bring changed can affect children very much. So I'd say to DH that he mustn't fuck up his younger children in an attempt to fix things with his older one.
Your dad is bound to have mixed feelings. It will be hard for her knowing he made little effort to find her but happily moved on and had a new family. I'm sorry for you because you are bearing the brunt of choices that he made. But it's unfair for him to resent you for them - he has to own what he did and try to minimise the fallout.
I hope things settle down - talk to him as much as possible about how he behaves now. You do have a right to an opinion and to be heard.

[MrsBobDylan]

I'm not surprised your elder dc was pissed off. If my parents 'never got round' to telling me about my older sister I would wonder what other big secrets they hadn't shared.

[SherlockSays]

What are you concerned that he tells his daughter he loves her doesn't he tell your children he loves them? What is the difference?

[PattyCow]

In the gentlest way possible this isn't about you. This woman is going to have lots of big emotions and so is your DH. He was very young himself when this all happened. I think it's very odd you are reading their messages and I can't imagine she'd be comfortable with that. She needs to form respected not intruded upon relationships with each of you individually IF that's what she wants. She may not. She may only want to get to know him or maybe just him at first. None of you have a right to be in her life. She is an abandoned child in this scenario. And it wasn't your doing. But not you need to back right off your DH and this woman and give them some breathing room. The reading his messages has got to stop. Maybe a bit therapy for you to be able to air all your feelings about it all. It must be quite the shock.

[Jaimemai]

It is no excuse to say she was with her mother and ther ws nothing he could do. There are courts to go through thwt would help him get access. Basically he couldnt be bothered and abandoned a child for 19 years because it was easier for him. Surely you can see that that poor girl has been through bell. Puttig myself in your shoes now - why does his have to be a bad thing? Surely it is nice that they are reunited and your children have a new sister. Thinking any other way is really selfish of you

[MadHouseMaster]

Hi, just to try and answer some of the questions.
DH was 21, I was 19
We did try to find her
DH isn’t on the birth certificate as they split before she was born, got back together when she was few months old, split again when she was 2.
We were told that as she was with her mother there was nothing we could do.
DH just tried to get on with things as best he could (blocking her out to cope maybe although we never forgot about her, spoke about her and wondered)
DH only has a sister who he has an on/off relationship with
DH mum passed when he was young and him and sister were brought up by their dad
DH ex was only child who lived with parents and DD
Parents house was empty when we visited the first time, occupied by new people the second time.
I never referred to DD as the other woman I stated that it felt like he had another woman with all the secrecy
Older DC didn’t take it well but is coming round
Younger DC thinks it’s ‘awesome’
I was asking for advice as I felt that we had been pushed out and wanted peoples opinions on how to move forward. I tried to keep it brief rather than chapter and verse on everything, on reflection maybe I should have laid it all out.
When I said it would have been easier had she been in our lives I meant for us all as a family and being a step grandmother rather than a stranger.
On reading people’s replies I have spoken with DH and told him I was reading messages. Obviously he was annoyed but said he understood why and is now including me and DC in conversations they’re having. This is also helpful for us to get to know her too.
Someone said it was intrusive for me to meet her. I travelled with DH merely for support and never intended to meet her but she insisted and so I felt I had to go and join them.
I want them to have a relationship and I want her to have a relationship with our children too. I just kind of felt that my DH and DC had a new family but where did that leave me? It was reaction.
I felt that after 19 years things were going too fast and I just felt like I didn’t know what to do. I needed help and advice to help my family.
Thank you to everyone who gave me the advice I needed.

[Jaimemai]

I think that alot of stepmothers are jealous of their stepdaughters. My fathers new girlfriend always seemed to resent me: any other female being close to him. That poor woman. Talk about someone who has had a terrible life. I hope you wise up OP and be kind to her

[EBearhug]

Please don't underestimate how hard this is for your DC. I've been there (as an adult, so presumably more resilient) and it was fucking awful.

Same here. If they had absolutely no idea, it really is a shock - and if your parents never told you about something that big, what else might they have lied to you about (because it is a lie by omission.) What else, who else in your life can you even trust any more, if this has been hidden from you all these years? It really does turn your whole world view upside down.

You can't change the past - and I can see that, having not mentioned it from the outset, it never is quite the right time to tell children (which is why it should be mentioned from the start, but such is the benefit of hindsight.)

Things happened, contact was lost, and now here you are. In many ways, what happened in the past and people's culpability isn't relevant, because you can’t change the past, only what happens next.

Other than saying your elder child hasn't taken it so well, you haven’t really mentioned your DCS, but the effects on them of suddenly discovering they have a half-sister is really massive, and if your DH is spending all his time communicating with his oldest daughter, what effect is that having on them? Are they being allowed to develop a relationship with their half-sister and nieces/nephews? Are they just feeling cast aside and surplus to requirements, now the "original" family is there? I think this is the ara you should be tackling your DH about. (I also agree that things will settle down, but the damage may have been done by then.)

[InTheHeatofLisbon]

I missed the "other woman" comment.

Sexualising a father/daughter relationship is sick. Properly twisted and sick.

Before anyone says anything about GSA yes, it happens but NOTHING OP says indicates it applies here.