Life turned upside down by arrival of DH long lost daughter

[MadHouseMaster]

Hi, I really need some advice, I’m not really sure what to do!
I’ll give a bit of background but I’ll try and keep it short.
Been with DH for 19 years, married for 15, have 2 children age 13 and 9.
When I met DH I knew he had a 3 year old DD. He saw her regularly and even I met her.
He decided to move few hundred miles away to be with me, was still in touch with DD we both spoke to her on the phone. We arranged for her to stay with us and when he went to collect her her mum never turned up with her, cut off her phone and moved. Never heard from them again. Fast forward 19 years and through the power of Facebook she’s back in our lives and now a 22 year old woman with a child of her own and another on the way.
DH was very shocked to learn he was a grandad, we had to tell our kids everything too.
It was DH’s sister that found her and instead of telling him she proceeded to make contact first and friend her on Facebook.
First of all I felt annoyed with SIL as we had to rush in to tell the kids (mainly before eldest saw anything on Facebook) DH DD wanted contact so DH sent her a message which I helped with, then they were messaging constantly, every day. He would come home from work and be glued to his phone. It was like I’d helped him take the first steps and then was surplus to requirements.
Then he wanted to meet her ASAP (SIL also wanted to meet her but he wanted to before her so it was just me and him that went) he didn’t want me to meet her he wanted to do it by himself which was totally fine but that then left me walking around for 5 hours while he was with her. I met her in the end because she asked to.
Anyway, the thing is, before we met her I saw the messages he was sending and I thought things were going to fast, he was saying he loved her etc. This felt a bit weird to me but I guess I’m not in his shoes. Also, he was arranging days and times to go without discussing it with me and then he wouldn’t let me read the messages anymore. After we had met her we said that we would go again with our kids. Again he’s been messaging her arranging things without discussing them with me first. I feel totally pushed out which he denies he’s doing. He wants me involved and to be a grandmother type figure to her children but doesn’t seem to want to share any conversations or anything with me. In my head she was always a 3 year old girl and now she’s rocked up as a fully grown woman with her own kids and I feel that I’m just expected to go with it. It’s probably absolutely awful but I wish this wasn’t happening, my eldest hasn’t taken it well and I’m trying to be positive to help him too. It might sound mad but it feels like he’s got another woman!
He apologised for making arrangements the first time but has done it again and he apologised for saying I was unsupportive when that’s all I’ve been.
I know about messages as I’ve been reading them without him knowing which I hate doing but can’t seem to stop as he’s being so secretive.
Any advice on how I can move forward with this would be much appreciated.
Thanks

[NoHolidaysforyou]

Wow... Just wow... You're a mother now. You should know better and know how damaging this would have been if it were your child. I can't believe you've called her the other woman.

[Huskylover1]

I read that as the ex-wife moved and changed her number (after OP and DH has moved away) and didn’t leave a forwarding address/new number. So not his fault

Give over. So if someone absconded with your child, you'd just accept that? Fucks sake.

[ReanimatedSGB]

This is another example of why it is an absolutely terrible idea to lie to children about families. This young woman is also your DC's half-sister, and they should have the chance of building a relationship with her, and she with them.
You do come across as possessive and controlling, OP. You have to remember that you are the least important person in the current situation.

[SoHotADragonRetired]

I saw the messages he was sending and I thought things were going to fast, he was saying he loved her etc

She's his DAUGHTER!

You married a deadbeat who chose to move more than 100 miles away from HIS CHILD for a girlfriend and then basically didn't bother to pursue contact. And then you literally pretended she did not exist! You stuck your head in the sand over the existence of a human being, a vulnerable human being who needed to know her dad cared for her.

Congratulations; welcome to the bed you made. This is all going to go fairly pearshaped at some stage, because twenty years of neglect and ignoring leaves a mark that is going to turn into a giant interpersonal mess eventually. But it's not yours to solve or involve yourself in (and stop reading their messages; your SD has the right to privacy).

The time to do something was when you realised your DP was the kind of weak-willed selfish man who would let his daughter go because he couldn't be bothered to look for her. Make her welcome now, or go.

[OKBobble]

You sound jealous of her. Just remember he moved miles away to be with you and although it was her mum that then "disappeared" with her he did move to be with you and missed out on so many milestones. Let them establish their new relationship while cheering on from the sidelines, then develop your own relationship with her.

It was a mistake to not tell your children from the off that they had a half sibling, even of she was merely a mysterious figure of a 3 year old in a photo on the mantlepiece.

Do not become pushy or forceful or insist on reading messages. You need to address your jealousy in this respect. Think of how you want to conduct adult relationships with your own kids one day.

[EdWinchester]

How awful.

Not surprised your eldest hasn't taken it well - it's shown him that his dad is a shit.

[BendingSpoons]

Emotions are running high at the moment but I think you need to take a step back. You are approaching this as a couple, whereas he (and possibly her) are seeing it as they are father-daughter and that is what comes first. Let them get to know each other, meet up, chat etc and then once it starts to calm down you can be involved as a grandmother figure etc. In some ways it is similar to having a baby. The husband-wife relationship gets put on the back burner for a bit during the intense getting to know the baby phase.

[ItWentInMyEye]

Very rude of you to read their private messages

[poppingoff]

Why are you so desperate to be involved? You think because you're his wife now, that trumps his daughter and you have a right to anything where this poor girl is concerned? Reading messages between them? Being put out that his initial meeting with her didn't include you and meant you had to spend five hours on your own? She's spent 18 years without her dad.

You're losing control and you don't like it one bit.

[Dingowashisname0]

Actually I think OP reaction is totally normal.

And I agree with Drum it will quieten down soon and get on an even pace.

[aprarl]

I really don't understand how this can be real. This was early 2000s and someone just "vanished" with a child ... and that was that?

If your child was effectively kidnapped, wouldn't you spend the rest of time (and income) hunting for them?

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

This isn't about you. His relationship with her should absolutely be independent from you.

Your eldest being upset is your stupid tax for not raising him with the knowledge that his sister existed.

You need to back off. You clearly lived in the fantasy world that this girl would stay his dirty little secret for ever and not show up.
She has and luckily she sounds like the forgiving type and actually wants a relationship with him.
She is equal to your children. Of course he loves her. He should not be showing you their private messages and as an adult of course he can arrange to meet her without checking with you.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

Also if someone left with one of my children the first place I'd be is the police station the second would be a court.

[poppingoff]

When the ex didn't turn up for this handover 19 years ago, what did he do? Are you saying she had already moved house? Because otherwise surely he would have turned up at her door? And even if he got there to find she had moved, he'd have reported this to someone?

Or did he just about turn and skip back to his new life with you?

[Figgygal]

This isn't about you
You should be facilitating their relationship not being jealous
And shame on both of you for not telling your children about her

[MadHouseMaster]

I think every single one of you who have responded to me have a point one way or another.
I probably am quite controlling and need to look at that. I can’t really defend DH’s actions in not doing more to find her I just accepted his decision. I wish things were different, I wish she’d always been in our lives, it would have been easier had she always been here.
She’s actually not interested in the past and wants to move forward. I just felt that it was going really fast but I suppose there’s no right or wrong pace for it to go!
Thanks everyone for your input.

[Snappedandfarted2019]

Tbh I think it suited you fine not having her a part of you’re life’s and you’re own little family. Now a bomb has gone off you’re not happy.

[Bluntness100]

This makes me deeply uncomfortable. You sound like a jealous wife who given half the chance would cut his daughter out his life again in a heart beat.

I strongly suggest you sit and reflect on who you are and if it's really the kind of person you wish to be.

Because this is shameful.

[poppingoff]

I wish she’d always been in our lives, it would have been easier had she always been here.

So not because you cared about her, regret the choices you both made for her, and wish she'd had a lovely relationship with your DC and a loving dad?

Just because it would make your life easier than it is today.

I wish this girl and your kids all the best.

[aprarl]

"I can’t really defend DH’s actions in not doing more to find her I just accepted his decision." But how? How could you both just let a 3 year old vanish? How did you dare to have children with him, knowing he could abandon them like that?

You must have wanted rid of her, because as you say, you're controlling, so you could have pushed more. You need to admit that to yourself and work through those issues.

For her sake I hope in time she comes to her senses, gets therapy, and has nothing more to do with either of you.

[Constance1234]

OP you sound very cold towards your step daughter. When your own children were 3, did it not cross your mind at how devastated they would be if there dad disappeared from their lives? Why did you and your DH not make an effort to resume contact. I guess you could call this karma, you were complicit in abandoning the little girl and now as a young woman she has shown up again and ripped apart your house of cards.

[3luckystars]

Ive seen stories like this on Take a Break magazine, when there has been no contact and then the child gets in touch as an adult, there is real awkwardness.

I don't envy you.

[PennyB40]

Both you and your DH sound like awful people.
I can’t imagine leaving my 3yr old and thinking ah well fuck it. And then being a mother yourself, this reaction is shocking. Aren’t you disgusted with your DH for his dumping of a 3yr old child? What’s wrong with you?
I think this woman should stay well away from the pair of you, you deserve each other.

[MadHouseMaster]

We are going through a very difficult period and I just came here looking for advice on how to move forward. Yes, I fully accept the difficulty is our own doing but I was 19 at the time, totally accepting of a DD and willing to take her on. This thread has now just become a personal attack. You don’t know us, we’re not ‘awful people’ we made a mistake and although we knew this time would come we buried our heads in the sand. My post was open and honest in the hope of some real advice, which the majority have given. I came here as I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I expected and needed some brutal honesty to help me help myself and family but some of you have just been brutal and not helpful in any way. Thank you to those of you who actually read my post and responded with honest thought and good intentions. I’ll certainly take on board what has been advised.

[Anuta77]

As always ppl on this board are judgemental and don't take all the elements into account.
It was your DH's and his ex's responsibility to make sure that this girl has both of her parents. Yes, you could have encouraged him to search for her more or tell your children against his will, but that's about it in terms of responsibility for him not being in her life. What about the mother who decided to dissapear?!

I'm sure that most posters here if they didn't have their children would concentrate on the new family they have with their man. It's when you have your children that you understand better the impact on other children.

My ex abandoned our son, money and contact stopped after his new woman who has never met me (they both live in another country!) told him that I sent her naked pictures of myself. In this case, I do blame her for the lies that created a problem and hurt my son. But even then it's still his responsibility to be in contact with his son, even if I'm supposedly the mean ex.
Most probably your husband feels guilty for not having her in his life, so he jumped into this new relationship head first. It's understandable. And it's also understandable that it feels strange for you. As another poster said, it's just the honeymoon period, just like with any type of relationship.
During this time, concentrate on yourself and your children. Don't try to control what he does and how much he includes you, because it will only make things worse. You only have control over yourself. And yes, try to have compassion for her, her mother denied her the relationship with her father and who knows what she told her, it's sad.