Life turned upside down by arrival of DH long lost daughter

[MadHouseMaster]

Hi, I really need some advice, I’m not really sure what to do!
I’ll give a bit of background but I’ll try and keep it short.
Been with DH for 19 years, married for 15, have 2 children age 13 and 9.
When I met DH I knew he had a 3 year old DD. He saw her regularly and even I met her.
He decided to move few hundred miles away to be with me, was still in touch with DD we both spoke to her on the phone. We arranged for her to stay with us and when he went to collect her her mum never turned up with her, cut off her phone and moved. Never heard from them again. Fast forward 19 years and through the power of Facebook she’s back in our lives and now a 22 year old woman with a child of her own and another on the way.
DH was very shocked to learn he was a grandad, we had to tell our kids everything too.
It was DH’s sister that found her and instead of telling him she proceeded to make contact first and friend her on Facebook.
First of all I felt annoyed with SIL as we had to rush in to tell the kids (mainly before eldest saw anything on Facebook) DH DD wanted contact so DH sent her a message which I helped with, then they were messaging constantly, every day. He would come home from work and be glued to his phone. It was like I’d helped him take the first steps and then was surplus to requirements.
Then he wanted to meet her ASAP (SIL also wanted to meet her but he wanted to before her so it was just me and him that went) he didn’t want me to meet her he wanted to do it by himself which was totally fine but that then left me walking around for 5 hours while he was with her. I met her in the end because she asked to.
Anyway, the thing is, before we met her I saw the messages he was sending and I thought things were going to fast, he was saying he loved her etc. This felt a bit weird to me but I guess I’m not in his shoes. Also, he was arranging days and times to go without discussing it with me and then he wouldn’t let me read the messages anymore. After we had met her we said that we would go again with our kids. Again he’s been messaging her arranging things without discussing them with me first. I feel totally pushed out which he denies he’s doing. He wants me involved and to be a grandmother type figure to her children but doesn’t seem to want to share any conversations or anything with me. In my head she was always a 3 year old girl and now she’s rocked up as a fully grown woman with her own kids and I feel that I’m just expected to go with it. It’s probably absolutely awful but I wish this wasn’t happening, my eldest hasn’t taken it well and I’m trying to be positive to help him too. It might sound mad but it feels like he’s got another woman!
He apologised for making arrangements the first time but has done it again and he apologised for saying I was unsupportive when that’s all I’ve been.
I know about messages as I’ve been reading them without him knowing which I hate doing but can’t seem to stop as he’s being so secretive.
Any advice on how I can move forward with this would be much appreciated.
Thanks

[YouBumder]

Spot on, Ratatouille

[Constance1234]

we made a mistake I can’t believe you are minimising what you have both done here. A mistake implies a one off kind of ‘oops’ moment, but you and your DH have spent over a decade not only depriving your step daughter of a father and half siblings, but actively deceiving own children.
I’m sorry you feel that people are bashing you on this thread, but you don’t seem to have any empathy with your step daughter, and this is what people are finding shocking. I hope your eldest child can come to find some peace in this situation. It must really mess with one’s head to find out your place in the world as your father’s eldest child is not true and never was. Moving forward I’d recommend getting your eldest counselling at the very least, and leaving your husband and step daughter to find their own way without your input.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

What did her mum tell her about why she no longer had a dad? Does she blame her mum, are they still close? Or does she think her dad moved to be with you and made a choice not to be in her life?

I find the whole situation baffling. Are there no photos of her in your home?

We have friends whose children don’t know about their half brother. He’s also had a child now, the mum found out somehow but he went nc with her as a teen. It’s a mess but they’re bound to find out about him one day, the works is smaller and more connected than it’s ever been.

A previous poster makes a fair point, when your oldest was 3 didn’t you stop and wonder how your DH could have given up on his toddler like he did? You might have been able to put it in a box until now but I’m a stepmum, one of the things I love most about DH is what a wonderful father he is and it’s why I wanted to have a child with him. I’d feel very differently about him if he walked away from his children.

[lunar1]

A mistake is something you do once, not something you repeat every day for well over a decade.

There is no wonder this has affected your eldest, they just discovered how conditional their parents love for them is. Your children really may never forgive either of you for this.

Don't treat your husband as if he's having an affair, of course he loves his daughter. You need to leave their messages alone.

[Singlenotsingle]

So these things happen all the time. To you've only got to watch Long Lost Family to see that. You ought to welcome the girl, invite her home and let her form a relationship with her cousins, your own dc. What about the children's df? Is he involved?

[StephenQueenBooks]

Weirdly I know someone in a similar position but slight different. He has a first born with his partner who moved away and moves constantly so hard to pin down. He isn't 100% sure where his daughter is.

He does however have pictures of her in his house despite not seeing her in years and tells people he has three kids, and his two kids now are well aware they have a sister who lives far away. He is constantly attempting to find and contact the mother.

This is what your DH should have been doing the whole time.

[swingofthings]

You're stuck in a vicious circle. Your oh moved 100 miles away, inevitable making contact which was good up to this point difficult to be with you whrn you were only 19 with no children and therefore no ties to keep you where you were.

That was a first totally incomprehensible decision, but one that clearly suited you as did this girl disappearing from his life so you could have him with no baggage. You never told your kids because again it suited to pretend he didn't have another life before he met you. You know money has nothing to do with it. You went on to have two children who cost money, there was money but not to do the right thing.

It's now backfiring on you. You are honest and admiring that you wish she never reappeared. Of course your oh will know and feel this, and know that you'll try to sabotage rebuilding their relationship, hence the secrecy. He is probably full of remorse and want to grasp the chance he has been given again. He might or might not feel some resentment that you were the cause or at least contributed significantly to him losing contact with her in the first place.

Sadly, even if he was to do as you wish and severe all contact again, it is highly likely that he would blame you for it and this would have a huge impact on your marriage so you are much better off trying to accept the situation. It is a blessing that she is willing to see you too rather than wanting nothing to do with you, so make the best of it but remember that it won't take long for her to realise that you wish she didn't exist even if you think you are hiding your feelings.

The question to ask yourself is why do you consider her such a threat as a daughter to your oh and siblings to your children?

Would counselling help maybe?

[CordeliaWyndamPryce]

OP, I think some of the replies have been a bit harsh but I agree with those saying you need to take a step back. Reading someone's messages is a huge intrusion and you need to stop. He needs to build up a relationship with his daughter and that will be independently of you. You were 19 when he lost contact with her so probably didn't realise the full implications of your actions, but you are a proper grown up now so you need to accept that his relationship with his daughter is a priority right now.

And don't be angry at your SIL for getting in touch. If I found a long lost niece that DBro hadn't bothered to look for properly I'd absolutely make contact. Because my niece is my family and I wouldn't trust DBro to behave properly!

I do feel for your eldest too - it must be really tough to realise your parents have been dishonest your whole life. It's going to take a lot of reassurance and time for him to recover.

[sallievp]

He moved hundreds of miles away from his 3 year old daughter!!!!!! What kind of parent does that!!!!!
I am sat with my 3 year old son and would never ever ever do that.
No decent dad would do that.
Your dh could have found her if he really wanted to.
I would search the earth for the rest of my life if it was my son.

[sallievp]

And i assume he didnt pay maintainace for all those years? Did you both wonder how she was being fed and clothed?

[Widowodiw]

I also think you need to realise that the daughter may hold resentment towards you. You were the woman he moved away with and you don’t know what her mother had told her about the situation.

[Drogosnextwife]

I knew before you even said "the other woman" comment that you were jealous of her. You really need to put those feelings away because it's not right to think like that. She is his daughter! I agree with pp he could definitely have done more to find her, it really wouldn't have been that hard.

[timeisnotaline]

You really need to remember she is his child. Saying he loves her is basic parenting. Mine is 3- if something happened and I couldn’t see him for 19 years, the first thing I’d say is how I loved him and I’ve always loved him and there’s been a hole in my heart since I last saw him.cant you imagine the same with yours op?
Another one here who thinks your dh is not a good father that he could abandon her, as he clearly didn’t try very hard to find her. Appreciate that at 19 you got sucked along and didnt objectively assess it yourself , but having had children yourself now you should be being far more compassionate.

[EsmeeMerlin]

Well your dh sounds like a complete and utter shit dad. Who on earth moves 100s of miles away from a daughter he had regular contact with for a new girlfriend. Even if the mother did stop contact, your dh was the one to move away and he did not fight or look for her. He did not even tell his sons about their sister, did he not even have a photo of his daughter up?

This is the result of his actions, he now has serious making up to do and needs to bond and be there for his daughter. Just step back a little and let them get on with it and stop reading their messages. It was always going to be very intense at the beginning but give it time and it will calm down. Welcome her and her children and let her meet her brothers.

I do disagree with your dh when he says he was you to be like a grandmother person to her children. Your dh does not know his daughter enough to be called grandad to her kids let alone you his wife. It’s a little fast and naive of your dh. If I was in the daughter’s position my children would not meet my dad or his wife for a long time until I knew who they were and knew they would remain part of my children’s lives.

[Ratatatouille]

Most probably your husband feels guilty for not having her in his life, so he jumped into this new relationship head first. It's understandable.

What a load of rubbish. There is nothing understandable about men who abandon their kids like this. He “jumped into the new relationship” prior to losing contact with his daughter when he moved hundreds of miles away from her to be with a 19 year old. The part where his ex severed contact and he didn’t bother to look for his 3 year old child in any meaningful way came after that.

OP, I’m sat here open mouthed at your casual dismissal of this as a “mistake”. Your DH should be racked with guilt. You are a mother and have been for many years now. If you and DH split up and he was the resident parent, would you move hundreds of miles away from your children to be with a new man? If he didn’t turn up to hand over your children as agreed one day, what would you do? I’m sure that, like most parents, you would never move so far away from your babies and that if they were taken from you, you would immediately call the police and throw every single resource you had at finding them. You would knock on every door, spend every penny you had on legal assistance and if you didn't have money then you would work 3 jobs for as long as it took to make the money. You would do anything. You say that you and he didn't have the resources to find her, but at some point you've had the resources to raise more kids so that's a load of bullshit.

Threads like this are so sad. What a despicable man he is and how shocking that his wife is able to overlook his abandonment of his own child and, I suspect, was actually grateful for it because it removed the complication from her romantic life. That poor, poor 3 year old girl. My DD is almost 3 and would be devastated if her dad left and moved to the other side of the country and then didn't fight to see her. It would turn her world upside down. Hell would freeze over before I would give the time of day to a man capable of this, let alone marrying him and starting a family.

[stuffedpeppers]

the mistake is - he did not make any effort to find her - did the rest of her family up sticks aswell. Sorry I traced my mothers only cousin in 2000, through 3 emigrations and a subtle name change - it is not difficult to find people.

He has not been a parent, made an effort and in 19yrs not contributed to the upbringing of this woman.

He has a lot to make up for.

[summerfun13]

It is over kill to be declaring how much you love your dd after not bothering for x amount of years and from what I've read the OP dh is acting as if he has a new thing to give him entertainment and attention. Fb has been around for years and dh didn't bother to search for his dd.
Pp keep having a go at the OP but many people have fallen for a dp that makes selfish choices and expect them to sort them but don't.
And from what the OP says from before contact stopped and now her dh makes his own decisions, it was his dd not hers.
He moved and made that decision, he didn't bother and made that decision and as much as the OP should of encourage contact with the dd back then, you can't make a partner do things they don't want to.
We have know idea what happened.

Op dh messed up, dd came back, he got the OP to help, but now wants to do it himself and I bet he's now not paying as much attention to the other dc. He is a selfish arse and I see this not working out well for any of his dc.

[spreadingchestnuttree]

Op, I do have sympathy for you. You were only 19 and this mess is of your dp's making, not yours.

I hope it all works out well for you all.

[Ratatatouille]

It was your DH's and his ex's responsibility to make sure that this girl has both of her parents. Yes, you could have encouraged him to search for her more or tell your children against his will, but that's about it in terms of responsibility for him not being in her life
I don't think anyone has suggested that OP should personally have done more to find her husband's daughter. The responsibility is 100% on him in that regard. People are simply expressing shock (and yes, disgust) that any woman could accept that her partner had done such a terrible thing and then go on to play happy families with him for the next two decades, hoping that his daughter would just stay "lost". We are not responsible for other people's actions, but we all have the choice to remove ourselves from those situations and think about the kind of people we want in our lives. To stand by someone who has done something like this - not just one mistake on one day but a 20 year abandonment of his own child, 20 years where he could have done something but didn't bother - is to condone his behaviour. It says that OP does not consider this enough of a character flaw to have prevented her from wanting to settle down with this man. I can categorically say that I would NEVER be friends let alone romantic partners with a man who could abandon his child. It's the lowest of the low. I certainly would not make myself complicit in this abandonment by being the woman he moved hundreds of miles away from his child for and having kids with him after he allowed himself to become estranged from his toddler. It's not enough to just say "well it wasn't my responsibility". No, but you don't have to condone that behaviour or be complicit in it.

[icelollycraving]

It’s fairly obvious you would get a hard time on here. Families have all kinds of secrets.
I understand you just made a life that was around you and your family. It was his responsibility to make contact. I have had this in our family in different ways.
I imagine he’s got many regrets and guilt to contend with, I’m not condoning his behaviour in any way.
I think this will be a full on making up period which will settle somewhat. A pp made a very good point that you are irritated at being made to wait 5 hours, she’s been waiting years.
Just take a step back, it’ll find its natural pace. Look after your dc who would feel v unsettled. You are finding it difficult, and you knew this day may come. They had no clue they weren’t the first and only.
No judgement from me. Life is complex.

[Littlechocola]

It was handled badly at the start. I think all of you need to let the dd take the lead on what happens next.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

I suspect it was easier, at the start, to leave her with her mum and start again. Especially at 19; it probably would have felt like you were getting a chance to have the man without his baggage. He should have known better, but it is what it is.

I expect he feels very guilty and he's lucky that his DD wants contact and to involve him in her life, and that of his grandchildren.

It was intrusive of you to go to the first meeting, even if it left you with nothing to do for five hours. And it's even more intrusive of you to read his messages. The downside of a man with a previous family is that he will always have a family unit that you are not really part of, and that will be harder to get your head round now that you've had a long period where he had no contact with that other family.

Step back. Support your 13 year old and let your husband and his DD find the pace that suits them. Of course he loves her, she's his daughter! Those are his grandchildren. They are likely to go through an intense period, a lot of messages and memories and catching up, because they've been apart for so long. It will cool to whatever level they both want. You will become more involved, and with your husband and his DD you can decide how involved your children are. But for this bit, step back. Work on the jealousy and the feelings of losing control. Let them figure this out.

[Hidingtonothing]

My dad left and never looked back so I probably am biased here but have you no compassion for this young women who's had to grow up without her dad? How would you feel if this was your daughter? Would you not want her to have the chance to know her father? Whatever happened back then she will have been damaged by his absence from her life, she has a right to know what happened and where she came from.

I'm a SM myself now, have been for many years and, even just with normal, regular contact between my DH and his DC's, sacrifices do need to be made. This is his child, adult or not, and you need to make room for her in your life, even if all that means for now is that you give DH space to build a relationship with her. I knew when I married my DH that he had DC and that they would always come first, the fact that your DH's DD hasn't been around doesn't mean he (and therefore you because you married him) stopped having any obligation to her, she's still his daughter and there should always be a place for her in your lives.

I would be a liar if I said I had never felt jealous or resentful of the time DH needed to devote to his DC's, I'm human and it's hard trying to run sort of parallel lives where you get on with things while DC aren't around but then have to drop everything when they are. But they're my DH's DC so I plastered on a smile and damn well got on with it, pretty much the same as all parents have to do sometimes.

So I can see this from both sides, I've been both the abandoned DC and the (at times) resentful SM and I can tell you that your feelings pale into insignificance beside the pain your DH's DD will have been through growing up without her DF and, even as an adult, she needs to come first. The situation with your own DC is, I'm afraid, your own doing for not telling them they have a sister before now and I would have thought all your energy needs to be going towards helping them adjust now, not feeling jealous and put out about time your DH needs to spend on his DD. Sorry OP but you married a man who already had DC, you can't expect there to be no strings attached.

[Seaseasea]

You feel pushed out?
Her father left his 3 year old daughter to move hundreds of miles away for a woman. If anyone’s been pushed out, it’s not you love.
Put your resentment at not being the centre of your nuclear family aside and think of the poor girl in the middle of it.
I don’t mean to sound harsh but you do not sound like your routing for their relationship.

[WeeDangerousSpike]

Please don't underestimate how hard this is for your DC. I've been there (as an adult, so presumably more resilient) and it was fucking awful.

Suddenly this older sibling exists and your whole position in the world and your identity is tipped on it's head. I know that's dramatic, but I felt so.. adrift..

Suddenly I'm not the oldest. Suddenly I'm not the only girl. (all those jokey 'favourite daughter' comments over the years coming back to haunt me and since that moment of sadness every time I absentmindedly reach for that sort of b'day card etc etc) suddenly finding out both parents have lied to me for 30 years. Suddenly dad's prancing about like it's fucking Xmas morning, oh how fabulous, everything is right with the world! Meanwhile I'm devastated and distraught and 36wks fucking pregnant!! feeling like I'm on Jeremy bloody Kyle. Oh fabulous now he's tagged me about it on Facebook so all my work friends know. Etc etc etc.

Sorry about the rant.

This is going to be hard for them. For years. Tbh, you are culpable in the deception but for your DCs sake he needs to be mindful of how he's behaving. I was so so so close to my dad, closer than my mum, but since this I just feel second best. An also ran.