New baby in the house also SD too

[Mrsgeegee1]

We’ve just had a baby 3 weeks ago, she’s my first and as my husband has informed me my last, he has a Daughter from a previous relationship. She lives with us a permanent basis, I’ve taken parental responsibility seriously and created a loving home environment for her. since having the baby her behaviour towards the baby is alarming me, she won’t leave her alone, constantly kisses her on the mouth and face not one kiss but about 10-15(I’ve repeatedly asked her not to do this), crowds her, puts her face on the babies face when she’s getting changed, she’s not particularly gentle with her either, jumps around her if the baby is in her gym. It’s stressing me out and making me uncomfortable but because she isn’t my child I’m having difficulty discussing this with my husband. If this baby is my one and only shouldn’t I be allowed to enjoy the experience? Shouldn’t I be allowed to dictate how my baby should be treated?

Honestly this won't harm the baby. Babies are really quite robust, but because this is your first but baby has an older sibling it's hard for you to see. But I can promise you that baby wil be fine.

Your DSD's behaviour is also normal for an excited new big sister. It will taper down. In the meantime keep gently correcting and remove the baby for a while if necessary. Consider getting a soft sling so baby can be on you rather than the floor.

You do sound like there is some bitterness relating to your relationship with your DP and his desire not to have more children which is in play here. Please do address that with him and try not to let it become a factor in your relationship with DSD and her relationship with her baby sibling.

I think you’ve had helpful advice, not negativity.
My older DC are exactly like this with our baby, although they’re a bit younger. I think it’s a fairly typical reaction to having a baby in the house..: over excitement mainly. Yes it needs to stop, but that won’t happen overnight I don’t think. Does your partner back you up when you tell her not to do these things?
Mine is 15 weeks now and they’ve just about learned to not kiss him on the mouth/face and that when he’s distressed with them in his face they need to leave him alone. Now he’s more aware of his surroundings he adores watching them leap around and play.
People have these issues whether the older sibling is a step child or a biological child. It’s normal.

she’s my first and as my husband has informed me my last

I assume you don’t want it to be your last?

We aren’t disciplinarians we don’t shout and punish. My point was how do you get an 8yr to listen to what we are asking

OK so if she picked up a heavy toy and threw it at the baby what would you do? If she ran out into the road or refused to get dressed for school? Are you saying there would be no punishment for that?

Punishment doesn't have to be a smack or screaming at. It's time out, removal of privileges etc. If you genuinely don't do punishments for any bad behaviours, I think you might have identified why she isn't bothered about listening to you

I agree with all what I see as helpful comments on here and it seems as if you are already enforcing them so keep on doing it. Realistically she is at school all day at the moment so you have a good several hours on your own with your new baby. I had 2 little ones 18 months apart and I can recall the hard work as my eldest was very boisterous with the newborn and I had to watch him like a hawk in the early days. At least your dsd at her age should have a good understanding of the word ' gentle. ' It will get easier and she will learn.

She sounds excited and in love with her sibling. When you have a new baby the older siblings suddenly seem huge and so much older but you have to remember they are still young themselves and don’t know how to act around a baby.

I would give her special jobs to do where she can show her love to baby but in a calmer way. So when baby is on her gym ask her if she can shake rattles/ show mirrors etc.

Alongside that make sure she is getting one to one time with you both that isn’t about the baby.

You need to implement consequences OP. It's not ok for her to distress anyone including the baby. She's 8 and can understand. Not using an consequences at all is going to blow up in your face in a big way when she's older. Now is the time to sort it. If she's upsetting the baby I'd ask her to go in another room because the baby needs to calm down. Once the baby is calm I'd have her come apologise to the baby. Show her how she can touch the baby. She can always stroke the babies feet/legs. Next time she starts to get in the babies face remind her to just stroke her feet etc. If she won't relent send her out of the room.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but neither of my two older ones were like this. My ds1 was 6 when ds2 was born & not crowding the baby was received very well by him. He did what he was told & would quietly stroke him or lie with him on the baby gym. They were 9 & 3 when dd was born & again I'd no problems. @Mrsgeegee1 I don't think it's normal behaviour in that at 8 she should be able to take on board the instructions you're giving her re the baby. The fact that she's not listening speaks volumes to me.
Does she see her own dm much?

Does she get the chance to have physical countact with the baby. It's all well askinhercto fetch things and showing her to make a bottle but does she actually get to help dress baby and give a bottle?

I would encourage that you do, even if just having baby on her lap at times with you close to her, helping washing her in the bath. Then when she behaves badly, you can say that if she continues with that behaioir, you won't be able to trust her doing the exciting part.

Remember that she too is falling in love and bonding with your baby and this bond will be priceless when they are older.

'DSD, I have asked you 3 times now to stop doing that. If you can't do as you're told you will have to go to your room'.
Consequences OP, mean what you say and follow through.

Magda72 why would you get flamed for saying your children didn’t do something?

. We aren’t disciplinarians we don’t shout and punish. My point was how do you get an 8yr to listen to what we are asking.

Of she can’t be gentle with the baby she can go into a different room until she can be gentle. She may well kick of at that but that’s fine, she will need to learn that if she wants to be with the baby she needs to do what she’s asked. That’s not punishing it’s teaching her that actions have consequences.

My cousin’s DD was like this with her baby brother was born... he was a delicate preemie. Admittedly she was a lot younger than your SD but my cousin did something I thought was very clever...
She gave her DD an egg to take care of. This egg was made a little padded basket and was treated like the baby. It became a game with her DD that whatever mum did with the real baby then DD had to do with the egg... for example if mum fed the baby then DD pretended to feed the egg, if baby needed to be picked up then DD picked up the egg.
After 3 cracked eggs her DD got the message that her baby brother was extremely fragile and she was a lot gentler with him from then on.

You need to fully explain to your SD why things are dangerous, not just “please don’t do that”.
Explain how easily he can get hurt, tell her kissing him on the mouth could make him extremely ill... show her pics of babies who have contracted herpes from coldsores if you must. She’s old enough to understand.

But also be aware that all the love you’re feeling for your baby right now, she’s also feeling as he’s her baby brother. She’s probably feeling a bit insecure and not sure of her position in the family. She’s likely acutely aware that this is your baby and she isn’t your biological daughter too so be kind in how you do it xx