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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

New baby in the house also SD too

37 replies

Mrsgeegee1 · 29/04/2019 09:03

We’ve just had a baby 3 weeks ago, she’s my first and as my husband has informed me my last, he has a Daughter from a previous relationship. She lives with us a permanent basis, I’ve taken parental responsibility seriously and created a loving home environment for her. since having the baby her behaviour towards the baby is alarming me, she won’t leave her alone, constantly kisses her on the mouth and face not one kiss but about 10-15(I’ve repeatedly asked her not to do this), crowds her, puts her face on the babies face when she’s getting changed, she’s not particularly gentle with her either, jumps around her if the baby is in her gym. It’s stressing me out and making me uncomfortable but because she isn’t my child I’m having difficulty discussing this with my husband. If this baby is my one and only shouldn’t I be allowed to enjoy the experience? Shouldn’t I be allowed to dictate how my baby should be treated?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PrayingandHoping · 29/04/2019 09:04

How old is the SD?

Original poster

Mrsgeegee1 · 29/04/2019 09:06

OP posts:

MustardScreams · 29/04/2019 09:06

How often is SD with you all?

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 29/04/2019 09:07

How old is your step daughter?

Most children get over excited by babies at the start, especially if they don’t live with them full time. This behaviour seems pretty standard actually, it’s the hitting or trying to harm which is more of a worry. Unless it’s actually harmful, a short “please let baby sleep” or “Play gently, baby is fragile still” or “kiss only on the top of the head”.

You might just be panicking as most new mums do, I certainly did for the first few weeks.

MustardScreams · 29/04/2019 09:07

Sorry just seen on a permanent basis. Have you spoken to her dad about this? It may just be excitement on her part and will calm down soon. But if she lives with you permanently you are able to parent her also.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 29/04/2019 09:08

Damn seen your update, at 8 you can explain why you’re saying no to these things too. Like kisses on the face are no because of germs ...

PrayingandHoping · 29/04/2019 09:09

Well she's old enough to understand when asked to calm down. That's a start

Can u normally discipline her or set out boundaries?

She doesn't know how to behave around the baby, it's quite normal. She just needs to be guided.

Original poster

Mrsgeegee1 · 29/04/2019 09:10

She lives with us full time, and I’ve repeatedly asked her not to do these things...... please don’t kiss the baby on the lips.....she then does it again. I disagree I don’t think this is standard behaviour I might be a first time mother but I’m not a novice, I think it is pretty harmful when the baby is distressed because she won’t leave her alone

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 29/04/2019 09:12

Just gently tell her that baby is very fragile and could get hurt and try to distract her. It also sounds like you and DH are so focussed on the baby that she’s being left to her own devices a bit. If she likes baking or crafts or another activity you could pull that out while the baby is in the gym. She also needs a bit of 1-2-1 time with her dad to reassure her - is that happening?

SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2019 09:13

So what is the consequence if she does something to upset the baby?

If DSD is with you full time, the discipline cannot only happen when Dad is home unless he's a full time sahp who follows her around the house

Teddybear45 · 29/04/2019 09:14

This is standard behaviour. Every normal, loving 7-8 year old that I know does this. Don’t make this out to be her problem OP; it’s yours and your DH’s for not helping her set boundaries

PrayingandHoping · 29/04/2019 09:15

I meant it a normal reaction for an older child to have.... not that it's the right thing to do. It does need to be stopped

Teddybear45 · 29/04/2019 09:15

And if she’s living f/t with you, you aren’t a typical step-parent, you’re effectively her mum. That means you need to show her love and give her guidance / discipline.

Theninjawhinger · 29/04/2019 09:16

Honestly, the over exhurberance and kissing is Normal - my Ds is 7, and so so so many of his friends have to be told not to kiss / jump / bounce etc about their newborn siblings. It’s a joke between us that they get the newborn bounce.

It’s partly because it’s unsettling for them, so they want attention - and partly because it’s exciting.

You sound - understandably - a bit bitter about being told you aren’t going to have any more children, and I’m wondering if this is colouring your reaction. Who knows what will happen in the future, so try and relax and enjoy this experience without thinking it’s rhe only time you will get to do it. That’s a lot of pressure on your shoulders!

SandyY2K · 29/04/2019 09:17

Explain to her it's dangerous to crowd the baby and one or two kisses is lots for her little sister.

Get her to do little messages...like fetch the babies nappy or an item of clothing you've laid out.

You need to sit down with her and let her know its really important to be careful with tiny babies.... that you can see she loves her and is being kind... if you say it with love and affection without making her feel rejected...she should be okay.

Has she been treated like a special big sister? Some ppl buy a big sister present..like a t shirt...a book... nothing expensive, but recognising her new position in the family.

I'm not sure I like your partners tone about it being your first and last... with him obviously ...but he can't say it will definitely be your last.

Is he a hands on dad or is majority of the parenting left to you?

Settlersofcatan · 29/04/2019 09:18

Can you tell her what she should do in a positive way rather than just what she shouldn't do? And then praise her a lot when she does it.

Agree that she needs some good one on one time with her dad as well.

Theninjawhinger · 29/04/2019 09:18

Can you make her feel useful and needed by giving her jobs? Like her job is to get her sleepsuits our the drawer, or fetch baby wipes etc?

Sicario · 29/04/2019 09:23

I once found one of my kids feeding the baby a ham sandwich. How they're all still alive I'll never know.

slappinthebass · 29/04/2019 09:25

I think this is probably really normal behaviour for most 8 year olds. My eldest was 7 when I had my second and I remember being on edge constantly because with no warning she'd leap across the living room floor when her fragile baby sister was lying on it. I'd be constantly demanding she walk and not jump around the room or she could end up killing her sister! It's also totally normal to be more impatient with older siblings when you have a newborn, all your protective instincts are turned up to the max and your focus is on the most vulnerable. It honestly won't be long before baby feels so much more hardy and you stop worried about a sibling trampling on them! It might not seem like it now but having an eager older sibling around will be less of a hindrance when you need help entertaining a 6 month old and she'll do wonders for her development. It's just hard when they are newborn.

Original poster

Mrsgeegee1 · 29/04/2019 09:25

She has all the attention in the world, we showered her with attention and “big sister” gifts when the baby was born. My husband is a brilliant father, and I do discipline as someone rightly said I’m effectively her mother. We included her in helping with the baby, shown her safely how to make a bottle, pick the babies clothes.... not much else I can do. Honestly the negativity I’ve seen this morning has made me feel even worse than I already do.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2019 09:30

Op so what is the consequence if she doesn't something you've told her not to do with an explanation of why not (gersm, scaring baby, unsafe etc)

Applesbananaspears · 29/04/2019 09:31

It really does sound like normal behaviour and I also think that it would be perfectly reasonable to sit her down and explain (yet again) that she’s the big sister and you know how much she adores her sister but that the baby is very fragile and can catch germs easily and that she’s has to be gentle, just like adults are and that if she’s not then there will be consequences and decide what those will be.

But again I stress, her behaviour is very very normal. It’s an adjustment for her as it is for everyone else and she’s just acting out. She will settle and as the baby gets bigger will interact with her more appropriately

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 29/04/2019 09:31

Sorry if you feel like you’ve received negativity - not sure that any of the above come across as very negative....

Your baby is very new, you’ll be feeling hormonal and extremely tired, the step daughter element maybe causing you more stress as you feel less able to punish her in case she feels pushed out. Finding that balance will be tricky for you, and she will be testing boundaries most likely too.

Congratulations on your baby

Original poster

Mrsgeegee1 · 29/04/2019 09:33

This was my original point, how can there be a consequence? We ask that she not do it gently and calmly. We aren’t disciplinarians we don’t shout and punish. My point was how do you get an 8yr to listen to what we are asking.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2019 09:35

I think there's a few issues OP.

YANBU to expect your SD to not upset or endanger the baby. Assuming o learning difficulties, she's old enough to understand what you're telling her. If she continues to make the baby cry/do anything dangerous then there needs to be consequences.

How er the "if this is my only child I should have absolute control" doesn't work. She is your baby. She is DH's baby. She is DSD'sbaby sister. You need to find a way to talk this through with DH. I'd be concerned that he won't discuss your new baby being hurt or upset because your older child takes precedence

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