Siblings

[Spj1975]

Hi, I’m new here but I’ve just registered for some advice. I have 2 beautiful daughters, my eldest is from a previous relationship. I married a wonderful man when my daughter was 5 and they adore each other (sperm donor not on the scene). We’ve had another daughter who is now 11 and she asked a friend if him and his sister were ‘proper’ sisters like she or did they have a different mother/father. We are lost as to how to explain the situation to her. She’s a very sensitive soul and I know it’s really going to bother her. However, I know she would be more bothered that she hasn’t been told. We’ve never ever thought they are different and as biological has never been around it’s never come up before. Do you have any advice how I can break this to her gently because I really don’t know where to start. Thanks in advance x

Just be honest.
Me & my DSis have different Dads but were brought up together and in no way do I feel that we aren't proper sisters.
We both have siblings from each of our respective Dads too.

So does she think your husband is her sister's dad?

Does your oldest call him dad?

I'm presuming your eldest knows it's not her dad.

You need to let the 11 yo know, but also that half siblings are proper siblings...
Perhaps a further explanation about the terminology...full siblings, half and step siblings.

My DD’s dad is not on the scene, absconded whilst I was pregnant and not been in touch since... she’s 9 now.
My DS is 4 and we’ve had the discussion that although biologically they do not share the same father, they are simply brother and sister. We don’t use the term “half” because they both live with me. They are just brother and sister.
My DD will sometimes want to talk about or ask questions about her biological father but she we refer to him as “the man who helped make her”. He isn’t her “dad” as that title is earned.
We talk about how in adoptive families the mum and dad are the parents who raise the children and take care of them. That’s how we quantify it.
Be honest with your youngest, it won’t change her feelings towards her sister.
If anything I would emphasise what a wonderful dad she has as he chose to love her older sister as his own and care for you both.

I think that in the long run she will appreciate you being honest with her.

We have a different situation, but OH has a 10yo son from previous relationship, and we have two girls (7 & 1). They call each other brother & sister, even though they’re half brother & half sister. His son lives with his mom during the week and then lives with us on weekends, and sometimes pops round for dinner in the week or more often if school holidays.
Dd2 being 1 (2 next month) does ask “where’s (name)” and we say he’s at his mommy’s, and that’s what we told dd1 when she was little and asked.

I honestly have never seen them as half siblings as when they’re together they’re all equally as crazy and are 3 peas in a pod. They obviously know they have different moms.

You could tell her that even though her ‘father’ isn’t someone who’s worthy of being about, her ‘dad’ is there for her and even if he’s not biologically her dad, he has stepped in and loved her like his own from day dot and that is a really special thing. Explain that you don’t feel like there’s any half-ness there as you’re all a bonded family!

Yes absolutely. He is her father and that’s all she’s concerned with. The biological person contacted us when she was 15 and she wanted nothing to do with his as she felt it would encroach on the relationship she has with her father. I know we have to tell her but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I just don’t know how to even start the conversation.

If she knows he is not her real dad, how can she not know they aren't full siblings given she is older?

I think the younger child is unaware that her older sister has a different Dad. I'm surprised that sister 1 hasn't mentioned it to sister 2 tbh.

I would start with a chat about the differences as straight forward as you can.

"Some sisters have the same mum and dad, some have different mums and others different dads. Some live in the same house others dont. But all still sisters just the same. Your sister was born before I met your dad, she has a different man who helped me make her, that is her biological dad. But your dad is still her proper dad as he is in her life. Dad doesn't mind he is not biological dad and loves your sister as much as you and me. And your sister knows this too and loves your dad just the same. We haven't told you because it doesn't really matter and you were a bit young to understand but as you are a bit older we thought you should know"

Hope it goes ok, might be worth checking older dd is happy for her to know as complicated if she doesn't. Good luck