Confused about how to deal with ex and new partner

[Firsttimemummy891]

Hi, I don’t know where to start, and my head is all over the place atm. To cut a long story short my ex of 3 years, father to my 2 children introduced his new partner to our children. They met her 7 weeks ago. My youngest asked her if she is step mum and she replied yes. He is 5. He came home after only a few times meeting her, telling me he was in her tummy!, also was begging me to let her be step mum when I was trying to explain she is daddy’s gf. I’m distraught, he’s confused and my older daughter is stuck in the middle. She has already moved in with him. Relationship with dad was controlling and I’m paranoid he’s continuing control through manipulation of the children.

Well first of all after 3 years apart, it's perfectly normal for him (or you!) to get a new partner.

Secondly....I personally hate the use of "Step Mum" unless the actual Mother is dead.

People misuse the term...it's meant for women who literally take the place of a Mother. A step mum is just that...in place of a dead Mother.

She's just your ex's girlfriend. Do you have a bad relationship with the ex currently? If so, ignore the use of the term...explain to your son what a step mum actually is...and then explain that a lot of people misunderstand it...and it's up to him if he wants to refer to her as his step mum but YOU are his only Mum and only you can be called mum.

If you go all out and ban the term, you will just play into your ex's hands by getting wound up about it.

I understand what you are saying that I will be playing into his hands if I ban it. I have explained to lo I’m his only mummy. I’m happy ex has moved on. I am not happy with how he has gone about the introduction and the fast pace it’s moving at concerning the children. My children seem positive and happy when they all spend time together, a lot more than when it was just with daddy. That is my concern, they met her 7 weeks ago, she has moved in with her children, and although I know there’s nothing I can do other than talk to my lo it doesn’t make me have great feelings towards her already telling him she’s step mum. I’m concerned if the relationship breaks down as quick as it’s starting children will be upset and confused. Relationship with dad isn’t great. He wanted to reconcile right up to before meeting her. I found out from children he had a partner, and she’s has moved in. We had an agreement it would come from parents. I know this is why I believe he is trying to hurt me with this situation. But also there is nothing I can do. My lo is in therapy at school due to his emotions, this just isn’t helping him.

All you can do is hope for the best. There's absolutely nothing you can do about his choices or her level of commitment. If he is trying to hurt you...well he's succeeding. Don't allow it to affect you negatively and you have much more chance of it not affecting the children negatively.

If she's calling herself stepmum it's more than likely out of a desire to seem like a good person....like she's committed to your children.

It would be very unusual if it were to deliberately wind you up.

Think the best of her...and if it all goes wrong then deal with that.

It's not easy is it. My view of step mum and when I became one was after me and dh got married. We have been together 10 years now before marriage I was gf. They are teenager's now always call me by my name and rarely say step mum. To be honest as that person in their lives to say to friends that's dad's wife it sounds nicer to be step mum.
It's early days for you all it will get better in time for you all.

I know I can’t change anything. Nor am I trying to. To have my lo come home telling me he was in a woman’s tummy he met 7 weeks ago is what I’m trying to get my head round and help him understand. I do think term step mum is far too early and he wouldn’t be confused if he hadn’t of heard it. Emma40fornow thank you for words of encouragement from your perspective. I know blended families are not easy at times, especially on step mums.

Is it possible he assumed he was in her tummy because of the word "mum' in step mum? You don't think they told him that do you?

No of course not. I have not suggested that. I’m not reading between the lines about what is going on there or implying. I have an older child who tells me. My concern is my younger child and how all these changes are affecting him. He is having therapy in school because of his emotional development. He is a sensitive boy who does take things quite literal.

How do you know she said this OP? Children can tell you things and make up things all the time. It sounds like you were grilling your DC on her.

I don't think she is "grilling her child" they come out with things at 5. My ss at 6 wanted us all to live in the same house. He was only 4 when I met him. We never put any thoughts in his head merely a time of a lot going in for their little heads to get around.

No my daughter is very open with me, she heard my little boy tell me he was in her tummy, this upset her and she told him no they are not married and to not say that. I told her it’s fine, he’s confused and it’s not his fault. My children come home and tell me all about their day, I usually don’t get a word in edge ways. I do not ask them questions as I want them to come to me about anything, and feel like they are able to share all experiences with me when they are not with me.

It sounds like your lovely little boy is processing the term step mum. He’ll figure it out.

It’s hard there is now more for him to adjust to, but nothing you can do.

Do school know about the new change in his life. Might be good to let them know.

Everyone has their own interpretation but if she has moved in she is in a parental role to a young child and is therefore a step mum. Albeit brand new.

It’s hard but you can be his rock and his stability. Best way to do this is not be worked up and anxious about his decisions. Your calm and steadiness about it all will be his reassurance. So look after you.

I think it this situation you need to explain to your children the difference between parents and step parents.

Explain that one grows them etc and the other one is like their friend, but they are different.

Kids are smart and will realise the difference

You come across as too anxious about the situation and catastrophing what might happen.

It's normal to feel wary but don't let it assume things are going to go wrong. Kids at this age say things that seem worrying to us but are not to them. They say one thing and then move on.

His saying that he was in her tummy was most likely him coming to this conclusion because he heard step mum and in his mind mum is linked with growing in mum's tummy.

It's the opportunity to explain this to him as you would explain anything else that is confusing to him.

Just keep an eye on them and hope she will be a good presence in their life and be so long term.

I have told school as they like to be kept updated of any changes with home life. They did mention he had a few out of character incidents with being angry about things that wouldn’t usually upset him, it could be anything, so I trust them to help him with it with the sessions. I feel like I’m on the defensive about it because for people to assume what isn’t true is hurtful. I do need to focus more on me, as this has been a whirlwind for all of us. I’m positive things will get better. LatentPhase you are right about anxiety and stability around them. I also think I could do with some help to deal with it all. Im ashamed to say that, as I usually just get on with things.

OP with the kindest possible intentions I have to say, you're coming across as snippy and defensive to me when all I've done is be open and kind.

Do you suffer from anxiety?

Just seen other responses. OP is of course anxious about a new woman in her children's life wouldn't us all as a mum. You're not wrong in how you are feeling all I can say is as you have said a whirlwind for you all at the moment it will settle and you will all get to terms with everything

I think it this situation you need to explain to your children the difference between parents and step parents.

I agree with this.

I don't think you're defensive as has been suggested.

Explain that he was only ever in your tummy (and he was a little kicker) ... and nothing will ever change that. Be easy going and humorous about it, so it doesn't further confuse him.

Your Ex is someone to ignore, unless you absolutely must speak to him about the kids.

He should have told you he was going to be living with his GF and her kids... that's a big change that affects your DC.

HennyPennyHorror. I disagree with you about being snippy. I don’t know why you felt that. Just under 2 months ago my children come home told me they met daddy’s gf and she stayed over that same night, that was the 1st time I had heard anything of her. 4th time they met her gf had moved in and my little boy was begging me if she could be his step mum. When I asked him why he felt like he wanted her to be at quiet time (bedtime) he said on the first time she met him she promised him some toys (his favourite) and he thought if she was his step mum he would finally get them after 6 weeks. He had his reasons. Just not the right ones. And that is why I came here. I needed advice on how to handle the situation. I’m being as sensitive about it as I can regarding the children, no matter how I feel about it. Personally I do think he’s been a complete shit concerning the children and how he has dealt with it. To me, I feel he’s disrespected me as their mother to allow it to come from them. But, I haven’t told him that, as if he really cared he would have told me. I have to accept that. He did relate mum to tummy. I have to trust my ex’s decisions concerning his partner. I have no communication with ex other than a contact book, and rarely use it as all other communication has broken down. I’m happy he’s moved on, the children are happy. That’s the main thing. It’s the unsettling questions and confusion for my little boy I’m finding difficult to deal with. Thank you Emma40fornow and SandyY2K for encouraging words. I hope I can come back in a few months time and report things are great again and this was just one of those rocky roads us parents all walk on at times

Hi OP,

It does sound like your ex introduced his partner quite quickly, but I don't think you need to be so concerned about the use of the term 'step mum' - I know it can be emotionally charged for some people, especially mums, but there are also many people who use it as a term for anyone who has a partner with kids, and there is no deeper meaning.

Is it possible you may be projecting your own discomfort about the use of 'step mum' onto your son? At 5, the term will mean nothing significant to him at all, all he will know is that that is what he calls his dad's girlfriend. I think focusing on what he should refer to her as will just make it into a bigger issue and bring it to the forefront, which actually is probably more likely to cause the confusion for your son.

Absolutely correct him on thinking he was in her tummy etc, but I wouldn't worry too much about what he chooses to call her.

You need to sit down with him and explain the difference between stepmum and mum. You also have to make it clear to him that he can use whatever term he likes with daddy’s gf and if he isn’t comfortable using stepmum he doesn’t have to. I’m willing to bet most of his difficulty processing this is because he doesn’t feel comfortable but is unable to process the emotion.