I don't like DP's son..

[justalittlemilk]

So DP and I have a five month old DS together, he also has a 14 year old son who I just don't like. (He isn't my 'step son' as such as he was older when me and DP got together and he has his mother, I'm dad's partner to him.) I find him rude and babyish, and just generally unpleasant. However DP is a totally different parent from me, where he thinks the sun shines out his kids arse (he has older kid too), for lack of a better phrase. This means that when DP's son is rude there's no discipline which just makes it worse. If anything, DP becomes quite unpleasant company when he's around his son as he turns oddly immature (I'm not talking about silly teenage immature, I mean not being rude and somewhat nasty and thinking its funny!)
I totally get that 14 is an awkward age for teenage boys and its not known to bring the best out in them, but in my opinion that's not a justification for all.
For example DS was reaching for his fingers and trying to bite them, as babies do, and DP's son shouted ughhhh why does he keep doing that he's doing my head in!!
This kind of thing is regular, moaning when LO cries etc, so not a one off thing taken the wrong way. And as always DP just laughs. I mean he's 14 not 4!
I dread him coming over and when he comes on any family days out with out us as DP lets him rule the roost so for me and my DS, the bratty behaviour just ruins it. I have subtly mentioned bits to DP but I'm aware I need to be careful as at the end of the day I don't want to be directly offence to his son OR his parenting skills.

Any advice or anyone been in a similar situation??

How long have you been together and have you always felt this way about him or more so since you had your baby?

Your DP loves his son as you love yours but he’s had 14 years to love him, a lot longer than 5 months, so he’s not going to get annoyed about the same things you do. I don’t know any 14 year old boys but I can’t imagine they’re the best age to find babies that interesting and he might be feeling insecure about having to share his dad with a shiny new arrival who gets his dad full time.

If it’s always been like this then it won’t have got better with you having a baby but you can’t have expected it to. If it’s recently felt harder then your tolerance may be lower as your baby is only little and will be taking up all of your energy and you’re having to share your husband with him son. As above, he may be feeling insecure she acting up a bit for attention and things may settle.

Either way, all you can do is try and find things you like about him. He can’t be all bad! Have you ever had time alone with him where you can bond and really get to know what makes him tick? All children have aggravating traits. Even though I adore my step children there are days when I want to brain the buggers and then a short time later I want to cuddle them and never let them go. Try and see things you love about your partner in his son, that might help. It’s easy to get fixated on the annoying stuff but you’ll drive yourself mad and drive him and your DP away.

It seems like you've not ever been so keen on him, however your DP is a main part of the problem.

So when he says why is the baby doing that.... the reply from your DP should be "that's what babies do, you used to do that when you were a baby".

Your DP should be more sensible than to start behaving immaturely when his son is around.

Are you saying none of this behaviour was displayed before you had the baby? Or perhaps it just irritates you more now.

With regards to family outings, step back from them. Let him and his DS spend time together...because I wouldn't want a child ruling the roost.

Have an honest conversation with your DP, about the way he changes when his DS is around and that you find it difficult to deal with. That would annoy me more than his DS tbh.

Did you previously think he was a good parent who disciplined when needed, or did you overlook this?

another example of a Disney dad not parenting his kid properly. Your OH needs to grow a spine and start giving his son the support he needs/ Teenage times can be difficult but they need structure, otherwise things are only going to get worse, and that is not your job.

You shouldn't have had a baby with him.

Problem here is you want you DP and baby - nice tidy family.

Sadly for his older child - he exists in your mind. He may be babyish, than transition time from teen to adult is hard, face with the obvious fact Dad has sex - circa new baby, a realisation that his SM does not like him - he will push your buttons and a DF who does not really know how to parent. Get the feeling he is not with you much an has had little contact with his sibling.

I would re read what you wrote because you sound vile

Your loathing of this child sings out - suck it up for 4 more years and you can have what you want

I have very limited sympathy for people that enter into relationships with people who already have children, then lo and behold when they have a child together, or maybe even before, the stepchild or children become the "problem".

He is no doubt well aware that you dread his presence. He's adjusting to his father's new life and a new step-sibling. Add teenage changes and general angst to that. Poor lad. His dad is probably being softer with him after taking all that into account. He sounds like a good father.

His words are typical for his age of this generation. Granted it is not the best part of what teenagers have to offer, and of course, not all 14yo would act like that, but many do, so from his perspective and that of you OH, he is no different to his peers.

It doesn't mean he does care for his sibling, just that babies are probably a bit aliens to him, and just annoying. You can either chose to ignore it, or you can react on the same level in a pleasant way saying something like this smiling and with a genuine tone of humour 'yeah, babies do disgusting things, isn't it amazing how you are oblivious to it when you become a parent and love your child so much, it doesn't matter, even when you become a teenager. No different to your smelling socks!'

Sounds like your OH still enjoys that boyish side that we women struggle to find endearing so to be fair, it will be hard for his son to think there is anything wrong with his behaviour.

You seem to be very passive here but you are an adult and a mother to your child so you need to step up here. Your DSS doesn't appear to have any respect for you but you don't seem to spend any positive time with him or relate to him as an adult simply stepping back when something tricky happens. Yes DP is the dad but that isn't a get out of jail free card. I have a 15 year old DSS and an 8 month old DD. Now we put in the groundwork long before she was born booking private scans so DSS could come with us which he thought was both pretty cool and fucking terrifying (cant say I disagreed!). He had a bit of a Disney idea of being an older brother doing bottles, nappies and whatever else. DD was very poorly when she was born so life was quite different to what he imagined and this manifested in him being quite unkind to me calling me 'bitch' (literally as an alternative to my name) and saying he hoped I would never get pregnant again (particularly hurtful as we nearly lost DD). So sometimes me and him went for a walk with the buggy to talk and I would call him on it when he called me horrible names. Things slowly improved. I would also send him funny videos of DD e.g. laughing at game of thrones #psychobaby and a comparison of her in her jumperoo to dr robotnik from sonic. It's much better now. Yes your DP needs to talk to him and be on side but you need to do the legwork as an adult rather than expecting DSS to suddenly change.

You had a baby with a man whose parenting style you disapprove of and has a son you don’t like .
You wonder why it isn’t all coming together ?

Honestly? He sounds like a 14 year old boy. What you've written doesn't suggest his behaviour is particularly OTT or awful, and it's more that you dislike him than anything else.

Was he the youngest before you has your DS? DSD1 pushed back HARD when DD was born, because she was worried about a new baby and her place in the family. It took a wee while and lots of reassurance but we got there and they've got a lovely bond now.

Being a stepmum and a Mum I usually have empathy with stepmums but to be honest you post reads as if he's intruding onto your little family and you don't like it. That's something that needs to be worked on. Maybe he and your DH need some time together alone?

Either way, this issue needs to be sorted before it becomes a much bigger problem for all of you.

You don’t sound vile as PP said, you sound frustrated. Teenagers in general are not particularly lovable, other peoples teenagers less so, and teenagers trying desperately to adjust to massive changes in their life, which are out of their control, by being huffy and whiney - not easy to like let alone love! But he is a child struggling to adjust to his own body, pressure at school ramps up at that age and now a new baby on the scene. Try not to judge him to harshly if he is handling things less than graciously.
Agree with SandyY2K that your DP needs to start modelling better behaviour for the lad. How else is he going to learn and develop? It’s the same as any other stage of childhood - parents responsibility to lead the way.
I also think “you used to do that when you were a baby” is a perfect response, as it shows DSD that his huffy comments are unreasonable but also hopeful that sort of thing will help the sibling bond develop if it’s accompanied with funny baby anecdotes and other similarities between the brothers. Maybe that’s wishful thinking, but seems like a good place to start to me.
I’d approach DP on subject from the angle of being concerned about baby and his big brother, who is hopefully going to be your baby’s hero and role model one day, developing a good bond, and wanting you all to get along better as a new family unit. The role model thing starts with Dad modelling behaviour for his son, not the other way around. Babies are not exciting to 14 year old boys but there no need to let snarkiness go unchecked.
If you love your DP, there will be things you can find to like about his child, I think you are just struggling to see past the teenage huffiness.

I have kids that age and they know that babies cry but I think that if we had one overnight they'd be surprised by a lot of things like babies needing to be burped after a meal, how loud and how much they cry, how sharp their little nails are... They would need to be told that it's normal because in their minds they were those movie babies who lie perfectly in the swaddle and smile. That's maybe why your h laughs- his son is verbalizing what first time parent think but don't say out aloud (Why the fuck is he crying? He's clean and fed!) (Please stop crying and go to sleep!!) It is stressful listening to baby cries. It's obviously not the baby's fault but even parents regularly lose patience. I understand why it would puss you off though and your h could help matters by talking to his son and saying that it's normal behaviour that all babies do and discuss what he could do to reduce the stress of listening to a baby cry.

You need to direct your anger at your h and yourself for ignoring how Disney Parent he is. The 14yo behaves like this because of hormones and his Dad's parenting and only the latter can change. When your son is 14, you'll find lots of things annoying about him too and realise that your expectations of dss were perhaps a little too high.

Thanks for the replies (the pleasant ones anyway). I don’t dis acknowledge DP Disney parenting, I just try to be careful not to over step the mark and criticise his parenting skills with a son who isn’t mine. Because he only gets him at the weekends I think he tries to hard to be a “fun parent” and there’s little to no discipline. Which I know wholeheartedly is a large factor in the behaviour of his son, I just don’t think it’s justification for everything.. at what age does one take responsibility for their own actions?

I think you are overreacting a bit OP. The example you've given doesn't sound that bad to me. I mean, yes, a bit immature but nothing terrible. I think your DP is right to laugh it off rather than make a big deal out of it.

DS was reaching for his fingers and trying to bite them, as babies do, and DP's son shouted ughhhh why does he keep doing that he's doing my head in!!

From a teenage boys point of view a baby who is constantly doing things that get on his nerves and doesn’t seem to stop I can see why that might cause an outburst. And remember he feels none of the maternal love you do so you will be desensitised to things your ds does. But in all honesty none of the 14 year olds behaviour sounds that bad at all maybe you should have some bonding time with your baby while your dp takes your ds out on a short trip to have some father son time. Oh and congratulations on your baby.

A perfect excuse to have some time alone. Leave them all to spend some time together.
Do you all good imo!

You seem v lacking in empathy op. Why should a 14 year old boy be thrilled to share his Dadd with a new baby brother. I expect he's quite aware too that you really dont like him. Give yourself a talking to and then talk to your oh.

There is no law that says you have to like dp son, or your own dear child's half brother!

I dislike my step daughter, she dislikes me, we haven’t spoken in 4 years. So far, the world seems to continue nicely without me speaking to her. (She’s 20)

I had this and it didn’t end well. In my case our children were similar ages and he outright refused to discipline them in case they stopped visiting.

When their behaviour got so bad it was affecting all of us I tended to snap at them through sheer frustration and they absolutely hated me, still do as adults.

14/15 is a VERY difficult age and if you can just cut him some slack for a couple of years things might change.

at what age does one take responsibility for their own actions?

When the parenting is lacking, he may not be able to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate behaviour.

You've heard the saying that we are a product of our environment. If he doesn't see role model parenting and be pulled up when he does wrong, how is he supposed to learn?

If you feed your child chocolates and biscuits for breakfast, that becomes their normal.

Did you not notice this behaviour before you had your baby?

at what age does one take responsibility for their own actions?

Children will behave as they want within the rules of where they are. I bet at school he knows which teachers will tolerate moaning and low level bad behaviour and which ones won't. It's the same as your h- he is being a Disney Parent because you are tolerating that behaviour. Before you know it, baby will understand what his brother is saying so your h needs to tell his older son to not openly moan in baby's presence. It will affect baby's self confidence and behaviour constantly hearing negative feedback from their sibling.

Having been in a similar situation, my advice is you need to realise that neither your dh or dss are going to change. So you have to change. Do what is in your control, you can control how you react to your dss. Stop letting him bother you and stop going on family days out. By detaching a bit you may find the situation easier to deal with and you may start to like him a bit.