DP treats his DC different to mine - causing sadness....

[zazas]

Please help me to sort out this situation before it gets worse.....

Took my DD (9yrs) to school this morning in tears - finally explained that this morning at breakfast, DP asked if his 2 DC would like their bread toasted and what would they like on it. While he gave my DC burnt toast and didn't ask what they would like on it My DD asked him why he had done this and he told her to stop her moaning!

She can't understand why he would treat the children differently - neither can I.

I need to talk to him about this and the way he treats the DC differently and was wondering if others could offer advice on how to do it in a way that doesn't cause him to get defensive (usual initial response from him over DC issues). Obviously this is just one incident - mostly he is fair but it is always there - small differences in his treatment of his and mine and the kids notice it. Put it this way I can tell by the tone of his voice if it is his children or mine he is telling off ie take off shoes, clear the table, turn the lights off or even saying hello to if they have been out playing!

Background is that we have been living together 3 years, I have DD 9 and DS 6, DP has DS 7 and DD 6 and we have together a 12 week old baby. My DC live with us and see their father only 2 - 4 days a month. DP's DC live with their Mother and stay wth us about 30 - 40% of the time. The children get on great together and it is mostly a harmonious set up. I love his DC very much and would never, ever treat them differently. I struggle to understand why he behaves like this?

Thanks

(((hugs))) Sorry I haven't got any advice. I just wanted to tell you that I know exactly how you feel. I'm looking forward to reading your replies.

Thanks dragonstitcher. It is so difficult because he would feel that he treats them the same if I mentioned it as in "I bought them all a present from London' etc But it is the small things, the tone of voice, the interest in them. Maybe I am being completely unrealistic about this to expect him to feel this way towards my children?

I wish I had a solution for you - to an extent I can see the same problems with my DH and my oldest DCs (his stepchildren), in that he's less forgiving of them and less patient. And in fairness, without that unquestioning love one has for one's own children, you're never going have quite the same levels of patience or tolerance. The issue isn't how he feels about the DCs, it's how he treats them - lots of men are pretty rubbish at realising how their tone of voice sounds, and don't necessarily realise how they're coming across. That's the bit you need to talk to him about.

Even if it's unrealistic to expect him to FEEL the same way about your dcs I don't think it's unrealistic to expect him to hide this fact.

My sdds are a bit older than my dds so I treat them differently in that they are teenagers and mine are 9 and 7. But I tell them off less harshly than my own if anything!

My dh is really good and kind to my dds but after 3 years they come to me over everything still which makes him sad but you can't rush these things really.

Maybe have a calm chat to him and cite the toast example and the other things you've mentioned here? Don't be to confrontational because as you say he probably doesn't realise he's doing it.

I imagine that if he sees his kids at the weekend and yours all week he will be feeling that he is treating his kids as "guests" and yours as "family". That is what the toast incident sounds like to me.

The fact that it has upset your dd means that he has to work on their relationship so that she (and you) knows she has his unconditional love.

Dh sometimes treats his children differently to ours.
His come and stay when they want to, and dd1 has noticed the difference.
I think that it is like someone else said, they are almost treated like guests. And DH says that he wants his time with them to be nice, and not have the argumnets that may have occured.
I also think there is na element of guilt, as he doesn't live with his pther 2, and obviously feels a little bad about it.

it is something your DD has picked up on and it has upset her - he needs to be made aware of this and think about the way he treats them...