Partner's ex wife driving me crazy

[Shandy70]

I'm a stepmum to a wonderful 14 yr old boy. I've been with my partner for 4 years and getting married in 2 years time. We have a holiday every year and I have always insisted we take my stepson. The problem I have is his mother hasn't once taken him away but regularly goes away with her partner all the time. She goes for weekends away and holidays abroad. I would like a holiday on our own too but if we didn't take my stepson away he wouldn't go anywhere. My partner doesn't see why I get so frustrated and just doesn't see the problem? When she's off galavanting then we have to look after him no matter what plans we had. It's driving me crazy, any ideas on what I can do? We have shared custody of my stepson but we have him more than she does, and guess who gets his child benefit? But that's another story. Any advice will be most appreciated

He doesn’t need a holiday every year. It’s important for you and your DP to have a break too. If he’s with his DM half(ish) the time too, I’m sure she does other nice things with him, days out etc so just because he won’t get a full on holiday you don’t have to feel guilty.

My DP and I get the odd week away without either of our DCs. My DCs have been away with me once a few years back and with their dad last year, but I take them camping and for day trips or weekend breaks etc, just can’t afford a proper week away for us all (DP pays for me, we don’t live together or share finances so I don’t expect him to pay for my DCs).

It might seem less obvious if you and your DP went away during term time or in the spring/autumn rather than in the summer, so it’s not as if your DSS would necessarily be able to come along anyway. Leaving him at home for a week in August feels worse somehow than a week in May!

It shouldn't fall solely on you to take DSS away. I would have a chat with your DP and explain you'd like a holiday just the two of you.

If you have any contact with the ex, perhaps you could explain in front of DSS that you'll be taking a break without DSS and perhaps it's a nice opportunity for DSS and mum to go away together.

It might seem a little naughty to do it in front of the DSS however he isn't silly. He's 14 and knows the score by now.

You need to stick to your guns with DP and explain you love your DSS but need a break just the two of you.

It shouldn't but it does from what OP says and if they don't the OP will feel guilty.
I fully understand it because I have this with my exh. In the last ten years he's taken the dc to butlins once. And only because his new gf of 6 months paid. My main issue was the dc had a great time so it upsets me he doesn't do it more, and when I asked him recently if he was going to do it again this year he said no because it's to expensive.
It's up to me and my dp and family. I even took on an extra job cleaning toilets a few years back to pay for a Florida. I'm not expecting their dad to take them alway abroad every year I don't but we do at least a few trips to haven and the seaside.

I totally understand how you feel because me and dp want to take a cheeky cheap trip to Spain but can't because we will feel guilty about the dc, even a weekend away but last year the extra went on 3 holidays to his parents villa.

Does the dc have any school trips he could go on, that you pay half towards and then you and dp do a grow up trip?

I can understand your frustrations. Would it make you feel better about it to know that you’re doing the right thing and your DSS will benefit from that and have lovely memories with you both. Try and turn in into a positive in your mind and ignore the ex, just focus on the happiness it brings you all. (Assuming you enjoy the holidays!) It doesn’t sound like you want to stop taking him, so that might be a way to live with it more easily?

Also bear in mind at 14 it’s only likely to be a couple more years before he won’t want to go on holiday with parents anyway.

Can you and your DP afford a holiday just the two of you as well?

Honestly my priority as a parent would be to take my son away while he’s still young enough to want to go away with his parents. You have the rest of your lives to go on holiday together as a couple.

She isn't his parent though - sorry but people forget that and it's important to remember that dss has two parents. It's fine to go away when he is with his mom on an adult break. Or could you go in term time? He can't go as at school an dif u book an obviously adult holiday then he can see it isn't to leave him out. You could still take him away for a weekend or a few days another time in the year.
It's different I guess for us as the dsc go away with their mom as well as us so we do go away just us and I go away alone with our child.
Speak honestly with your partner, thee sis a compromise to be had.

No point spending any time worrying about this. You have the boy for a few more prcious years and he will remember your holidays fondly. The rest of it, if shes not abusive or neglectful, is entirely up to her

Erm... does she has the money to take him away? I have a friend who would need to live on toast and beans for months and still won’t be able to pay for a holiday similar to what the other parent offers. If he organised something with the kids for a weekend, the kids spend the time complaining it is not as good or good fun as the trips with their mum. It is really sad to see.

She may be traveling but that doesn’t mean she has the resources to take the kid away for a similar time. But I agree with the others, there is no need for the kid to have a holiday each year but if I was in the same dilema I would try to arrange a family weekend away and a romantic weekend away without kid with the same budget so nobody felt left behind.

I agree that at 14, you are about to loose him to his friends very soon. Enjoy the time with him, you will be missing him dearly in a couple of years.