Help 😩

[EmCRo]

I already posted this in the parenting group, not realising there is one specifically for step parenting... oops so I will post it here too...

I feel like a total fraud being on this site as I’m not a parent and I’m not an official step parent but here goes....

I have two “step children” aged 15 (girl) and 11 (boy), and I have been in their lives for 3 years. Myself and their dad have lived together for 2 and a half years. We see the children nearly every day, even if it is just for a couple of hours.

Recently I have been finding it very hard with the 11 year old boy (he only turned 11 on Friday). He has always been a bit of a handful since when I first moved in, clenching his fists and yelling in my face when I asked him to do the most simple of tasks, like moving his wet towels off the bathroom floor. It took about 3 months and things started to get better, his dad (my partner) always backed whatever I said, and would say things to him like “if you’ve been asked to do something, you do it” so things were great. Just the usual behaviour of his age, up until recently.

I feel like I am coming up against a brick wall at every angle. His attitude towards me has completely gone south, I feel that he is being rude and pretty arrogant. This all started a few week back when I went into his bedroom and found a huge amount of rubbish down the side of his bed and shoved in the storage part of the bed base. Honestly, it was minging. There was a sandwich wrapper dating back to November and it is there were left over crusts. He knows food and drink isn’t allowed in his room and that’s always been the one and only house rule. Fast forward 2 weeks, after he got a bollocking from me and his dad, him having to gut his room and scrub and sticky marks, I go into his room to find more rubbish down the side of his bed. When I asked him about it, he just did the usual grunt when he doesn’t know what to say and couldn’t look at me when I was speaking to him.

I’m not really a house proud person but I keep the house as clean as possible, just like everyone else who has a full time job. I just feel like I’m being taken the piss of, to the point where I don’t want to do anything for him. I asked him why should I go and support him at his football games every Sunday when he can’t follow one simple house rule. Of course there was no answer.

I know this is all a bit long winded, but I’m starting to dread when the kids are coming round. And I don’t know what I can do to try and get over this hurdle. I feel like anything I try and do just gets thrown in my face. I just thought, by now, all these kind of issues will be well and truly over...

All this comes after a run in we had a few months back, when he yelled at me after he got sent off the football pitch for swearing. For me to take the tv out of his room (which was mine pre this relationship) to find that he had broken it!

I kind of feel that my partner doesn’t know what to say or do because in a way he feels guilty that it’s his child that making me feel so down and upset.

any suggestions will be greatly appreciated x

You seem to have other house rules that you don't assume are rules but they are. Asking him to clean up after himself when he has a bath is a rule and a good one. Maybe you all need to sit down and discuss these rules clearly.
There should be a little give and take. He wants to eat snacks in his room, you don't want him too. How about he's allowed to drink in his room but remove his stuff afterwards.

So you only been together 3years and moved into his dads home after only 6 months. You were partially a stranger to those kids. Have you always been so forth coming in regards to the home and his bedroom? I think the problem is in such a short space of time you’ve taken on the role of the parent and really you should be supporting you’re dp in parenting not doing the parenting yourself. I’m guessing this is why he’s having such a negative reaction towards you.

We’ve gone through all of the reason of house rules, mostly they have come about because of the mess the bedrooms were in when we moved out of the old house. So when we moved nearly two years ago we had house rules from the get go.

Asking a child to not be a mucky slob is not parenting really though is it, it’s a basic requirement surely?

OP to circumvent his attitude try just getting dad to dole out the consequences and give him a bollocking etc. But you have every right to ask him to pick up after himself, sit him down with dad and let dad take the lead on reiterating the family rules.

If he’s still doing it after that then he’s clearly taking the mick and you’d have to discuss that with dad and figure out where to go from there.

This is exactly my thinking! I thought I was being unreasonable etc but thanks for the confidence boost! :)

Hi
I went through this only a few months ago, my SD is 13 and generally every considerate young lady who helps clean and keeps her room tidy for the most part. My partner two sons (12&16) however do not.. their room is a disaster with rubbish and dishes left there. They never do dishes or bring washing down..generally just treating our house as a fun hotel. I kept quiet as they are only her every Thursday night then EOW so I just cleaned up and didnt say anything. However our son together is now 15monthd and very active so I simply do not have time to clean after them now. I laid down house rules a couple of months ago so 1) no food upstairs without asking 2) bring all washing down and make beds 3) all kids take turns doing dishes (no dishwasher... nightmare ;) ) needless to say the boys have been lax and unless specially told 'please do this task' they dont. So my partner and I decided... no chores no pocket money... no money for town with friends, even the threat of no Easter egg!! As they are not small children now and their sister is so helpful. Sometimes you have to lay the law down to get some house respect I think if the kids do not view your home the way they do their mother (who is stricter than us) do your SSs have the same issue at their mothers?

OP I would read this thread of the Teenagers board. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3542520-Is-parenting-a-teen-adversely-affecting-your-mh

Sometimes it’s too easy to blame problems on the step angle. Often they’re caused by teenage hormones and development. And make no mistake, even for birth parents there can be big problems.

Try to ensure you leave the main disciplining to your DP. Also try to make sure you allow your DSC to have one to one time with their Dad on a regular basis.

And be kind to yourself. Teenagers and Pre-teens are tough to handle - whether you gave birth to them or not, but they usually turn into normal adults eventually.

Look these things crop up when you're parenting and you don't have option of opting out.
Your sds is coming to a tricky age and you and his df need to be fully aware of that.
I would let your DP deal with the bedroom and clean it with his ds. Otherwise you will cause resentment to build up.
Children are not robots and will not always jump to attention when told. If they did parenting would be a joke.
When you met the DC first it was good DP asked them to respect you but really children really only have to obey their own parents and not every adult. So as the teens approach DP needs to majorly deal with the issues.
Maybe reading a book together like:
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will take ...would be helpful.
But let there be no talk of them not coming. Parenting is unconditional. You are in for the long haul, l presume.

DH and I always try to be "bad cop" to our own kids and mostly nice to reach others. You need a strong relationship to cope with telling them off repeatedly - At least twice as many positive interactions as negative ones I reckon as a stepparent. If you're not making than you need to either do more positive stuff together or else back off the negative stuff a bit. Ask your DP to deal with it, even though it feels a bit like nagging or telling tales. But as the parent he's got a stronger relationship so it can withstand more negative stuff.

It is very difficult being the step parent of a teenager.

Your DSS sounds very similar to my DSS. The only way I could deal with it was to step away and detach, but that was last resort. I did not (and still don't) go into DSS's bedroom. All washing, bedding, rubbish etc was the responsibility of his father. If I had an issue with the bathroom he shared with my DS and DD, because he had left the toilet unflushed, spit in the sink or wet towels on the floor, I would tell his father and it is up to him to clean it or get DSS to do it.

Now we have been living together over 10 years and DSS is 18, it is a lot better. Strangely if DSS has been very bad, i.e. drugs alcohol etc he will be more honest with me than his DF.

Stepping was may help and give you a break, also DSS can learn that being part of the family means you have to act as part of the family.

I agree with the others who say get your partner to do the telling off etc. A parental relationship can take telling off, but it’s much harder for a step.

Also telling off is stressful and I think the parents have the responsibility so should also get the crap jobs :-)