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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Meeting the ex Partner - Advice

19 replies

Dvh149 · 16/04/2019 12:00

Hi,
My partner has recently (Jan 2019) started having contact with his 3 year old daughter again after not seeing her since she was a baby (long story) His daughter was living with her grandparents for 6 months as social services has concerns and this is when my partner re-established contact and the decision has been made that she can return to her mothers care now. Myself and my partner were both positivley assessed as full time carers for his daughter if needed and contact has been building up slowly with my partner and his daughter since January. He now sees her 6 hours a week and this is going up to 8 hours for 2 weeks and then full days for 8 weeks then overnight fortnightly. My partners ex has made it clear that she doesn't want her daughter introduced to me until she has met me? I don't really feel this is necessary and feel that over time our paths will cross and it will happen naturally. There are no safeguarding concerns, my self and my partner are getting married in a few weeks, so our relationship is stable and long term. I offered to collect my partners daughter this weekend for contact and drop them off (not spend the contact with them) to start to get his daughter comfortable with being around me (and also because my partners car is not currently working) His ex has said she is not happy with his and wants to meet me before I meet her daughter, yet is quite happy with my father collecting her daughter who she has never met? I dont want to be unreasonable but I also offered to have a phone conversation to hopefully clear up any concerns that she may have about me meeting her daughter and this is still not good enough. Am i being un-reasonable ? Should I agree to meet her to keep the peace (so to speak) or should I stand my ground that I think this is not necessary? My partner has a child contact order that SS recommended so is it worth speaking to the social worker about this and seeing what the recommend? Thanks :)

OP posts:

FiremanKing · 16/04/2019 12:24

Could you not meet her for a coffee in a neutral place?

Maybe set a time limit saying you need to be somewhere else so you can leave when you want.

I think it’s natural to meet the women who will be parenting their child with their ex.

It’s a good basis to discuss a footing for shared values regarding eating, discipline, routines etc so that the child benefits from having a balanced life whoever they are staying with.

Spanglyprincess1 · 16/04/2019 12:32

Legally she has no right to insist. So it up to you.
I did but wouldn't again.
If your comfortable then it's okay, if not then your not and don't.

turnitdownanotch · 16/04/2019 12:36

I suppose if you think it will keep the peace, you do it.

Personally, I think it's a way of her trying assert some control over you both and once that starts, where does it stop? You have already been assessed and her dad has every right to introduce her to people as he sees fit, as does the mother.

What's her plan if you refuse? Because I'm quite sure she won't have a leg to stand on if she thinks she can start withholding access. And I wouldn't be rocking the boat with the courts/SS in her shoes.

However, I'd also be rather curious to see what the meeting would entail!

Original poster

Dvh149 · 16/04/2019 13:44

I am sceptical as in her assessment she mentioned that she believed that I took my partner away from his daughter and that im the reason that he didn't see her for so long. This is not the case at all, but I feel like she may want to meet me for some kind of confrontation, which I feel will be a massive step backwards for everyone involved. I feel like I have been fair in offering to speak to her on the phone and dont see what other benefit a face to face meeting has to offer at this point, that a phone call could not suffice?

OP posts:

Pieceofpurplesky · 16/04/2019 13:47

You say it's a long story but why didn't your dp see his Dd?

Kaddm · 16/04/2019 13:49

Just meet her on neutral ground, like Costa.

Then, when you have a baby/toddler of your own, think back to this moment and consider how you’d feel to have to hand your baby over to someone you don’t know because your family is broken up against your wishes.

Original poster

Dvh149 · 16/04/2019 13:59

It was a messy breakup and he was prevented from seeing his daughter. He admits he should have tried harder but unfortunately he wasn't in a good place himself after the breakup as well and lost his father at the same time. I understand what your saying completely about handing your child over to someone you dont know but she also has a 50 something long page report about my whole entire life which social services have provided her with so not sure there is much else left to find out about me to be honest :) One of the reasons she had her daughter taken out of her own care was due to the type of people she was introducing to her daughter, including a convicted murdered and drug dealers...so the fact that she feels the need to vet me before im allowed to meet her daughter is slightly insulting and hypocritical to be honest. I will meet her if its going to cause major problems for my partner but all I am saying is why does she feel a phone call is not good enough?

OP posts:

swingofthings · 16/04/2019 15:52

Why does she think you prevented your OH from seeing his daughter? Was having contact after they seperated and then it stopped after he met you or did he leave her for you?

I suspected you are right about the confrontation, but in a way it might be a good chance to clear things up if it means moving on and reducing conflict. You shouldn't do it though if you think it is going to cause more trouble than good.

coffeeismybestie · 16/04/2019 17:00

It's never a good idea to clear things up. Because it rarely happens. One person just agrees while the other one vents or you both disagree.
If you open your self up to meeting her, and she still doesn't like you what stops her still preventing contact? Or lying about you coming of ride or smug?.
My dc df gf is someone I went to school with, didn't really like her then, and since they've been together I've seen her a few time at hand overs she's acted as if she's the exw. Either snogging my exh ( separate 10 years) or has a grumpy face. I don't know if she has a problem or if I've just assumed she does, but it doesn't matter because my dc like her and she's fine around them.

On the other hand my dp ex's hates me for just being around, I offered to meet because their dc is younger (4) and I didn't want to add issues. She told my dp's mother I had threatened her, she told court that I was some where I wasn't. So I stay purposefully clear of her because I don't like the drama plus it just makes the situation worse for the dc.
Funny thing is she thinks she knows me but she doesn't even know my dc names because she's just names her new lo the same name.

I would just leave well out of it for now, some people fuel up on drama and playing the victim if your not there accusations can't be made.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 16/04/2019 19:25

The hypocrisy from her is unbelievable, but having experience as a step parent to children whose mother is also unbelievable, I would advise that you just disengage from these petty wars as much as you can. When contact is more established, do what you want.

Original poster

Dvh149 · 16/04/2019 19:57

Thanks everyone for the advice! She has agreed that I can help with lifts without me meeting or speaking to her prior to this but doesn't want her daughter formally introduced to me or me to be there during my partners contact until I have met her. I will just take one day at a time with this and see what happens. I will probably meet her during pick up and drop off anyways so I don't see the problem, but oh well. I just don't want any drama!

OP posts:

daftgeranium · 16/04/2019 20:51

She can sod off, I say. Live life on your own terms. She has to trust the other parent and trust you. The fact that she doesn't says more about her than it does about you. Good luck.

SandyY2K · 16/04/2019 23:30

It's strange that she thinks you took him away from his DD, yet you say he was prevented from seeing her.

If you refuse to meet her, she can't force you to. Does she want to meet you on your own? Could you meet her with your partner? Thats a better option IMO.

Original poster

Dvh149 · 17/04/2019 07:37

She.believes that because she told him if he was with me then he couldn't see his daughter and he stayed with me that it's my fault... strange but she is immature. Yes I suppose that is an option.

OP posts:

purple92 · 17/04/2019 10:41

I met my partners ex before meeting his kids..
Again, she insisted that I met her first before meeting the kids..
and in fact we did it all in one day - met for a drink and then she collected the kids from school and met them as well when she returned!

I could understand her reasons for wanting to meet me with regards to being around her kids, bu as PP said.. no legal standing for demanding it either.
I went along with it as I felt I had to for a future with my partner.
Was shitting myself before hand, but it wasn't all that bad, and over very quickly!

Original poster

Dvh149 · 17/04/2019 10:54

Thank you! That's made me feel better about it all! Hopefully it will be over quickly x

OP posts:

Butterflyone1 · 17/04/2019 11:51

She was deemed an unfit mother, she has no right to dictate to you about meeting.

You can play this multiple ways. You can stick to your guns and explain social services have deemed you fit to parent therefore she has no right to dictate contact with her or you can play her game, meet up but explain she won't be calling the shots.

Original poster

Dvh149 · 17/04/2019 12:10

Yes I think your right! We have been very compliant with all her requests so far as we don't want to upset the apple cart but think we need to start putting our foot down on a few things now x

OP posts:

Butterflyone1 · 17/04/2019 13:32

Best of luck. I fully understand how difficult the ex can be.

Also I hope you have a wonderful wedding.

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