15 year old stepdaughter united with her Mum and my mil and causing problems

[Mummytobe33]

Hello, I feel like I’m in a difficult situation because my SD came over to our home and spoke to my husband saying “She’s ruined our relationship Dad”. My husband said “No you would have felt the same about anyone I married” and she then said “No I hate her personality she’s just really childish”.

My stepdaughter was 11 when we got married and stayed with us every weekend. We lived in my flat and my husband sold his house. I made a lovely bedroom for her and things were going well when she stayed.

When our son was born about a year and a bit later I found myself being the one saying “Please don’t carry your baby brother round the flat at night speed”, “I’d prefer it if you didn’t ignore me in the house”- she started talking about me in third person and it was as if she was blanking me. My husband pretended not to see so I looked like the mean one when in fact I was just saying let’s be respectful and safe.

I know that’s my stepdaughter then went telling her mother that I was mean and nasty etc etc and she also told this to my mil who has constantly been phoning my husband telling him I’m horrible to her grandaughter rather than supporting us and acknowledging she’s a teenager etc

We went to a school performance recently where my mil and my SD mother went together so me and my husband were made to be belittled. Afterwards the ex was hugging and kissing my mil deliberately to play games.

It’s all so stressful and my husband feels torn between me and his daughter/ex/mother.

Surely the ex and my mil are causing drama when they should not be giving my sd so much powerful in this situation?

Your husband should be putting a stop to this. If he doesn't then you won't win. It won't get any better an it will be a living hell.

My husband texts her to say he would prefer it if his mother didn’t get involved but she takes no notice. I’ve confronted her before and she yelled at me then stormed off! I genuinely feel sorry for my SD as she’s the victim of childish games played by her mother and my mil. What could be done? I’m so stuck and sick of it all x

Let him be the bad guy. If at all possible make sure you are not alone with her so that he has to be the one to call her out on her behaviour.
Take a step back and put the responsibility on him.

I had too as she accused me of all sorts to the school etc and luckily he was always around so could back me 100%

It won't solve it. But just remember it's not down to you

Thank you for your really helpful advice. I hope your situation improves too x

Could it be possible she feels you treated her differently since they arrival of you’re little one. You may not think you’ve done anything wrong but that doesn’t alter her POV and how she sees and views things.

Is it worth having a proper conversation with MIL about what she feels the problems are with how DSD feels and how you can help put things right? If she can see you're really wanting to make things better and do care about your relationship with DSD she could potentially become a useful ally and mediator who could help DSD deal with how she feels and make peace with you.

Your partner's behavior is appalling, he is allowing himself to be manipulated and you are being made into the victim. What a little bitch SD is.

This needs sorting out, otherwise it will escalate and you may end up feeling you have no option but to leave. Don't allow it to get to that.

Nobody should be spoken to like this in their own home.

Get your partner to step up and sort it out, set some lines about what it's acceptable to say and what it isn't, to both his daughter and his mother.

Good luck.

I don’t think my husband knows how to sort it out and maybe that’s the problem?

No I hate her personality she’s just really childish”

How did your H respond? He should follow up with her, ask her what her issues are but equally he needs to support you. It is a difficult situation as he probably doesn't have the skills to cope with situation. Would you consider family counselling.

Were you the OW? Just helps with background.

I don't think the ex and MIL affection is something you can feel defensive about, as it sounds as if they are genuinely close. That is likely to always be the case.

I know it's tough but you can only be in control over your behaviour. Be reflective and see what you can change to make the situation better. Perhaps she is a stroppy teen or perhaps she has some justification, whatever the cause if you reflect and try not to be defensive then you will start to feel better about the situation.
It is too easy for everyone to feel the "victim" in this situation and look to blame someone else. Often it is down to different personalities and sensitivities due to loyalities.

From experience step parenting a girl seems to be much more challenging for step mums.

Doesn't matter whether your husband doesn't know how to sort it out, he needs to man up and try. He doesn't need empathy, in my opinion he needs a kick up the pants.

Tell him either he stands up for you, or he deals with everything SD related...
Stop doing everything, if SD complains, tell her you are simply following her wishes, please go see your dad

It’s all so stressful and my husband feels torn between me and his daughter/ex/mother.

Does he accept that he should have told his dd off for her behaviour and that the behaviour needed telling off? Your h created this problem by not parenting his dd and has made you into the villain when you were rightly looking out for your son's safety.

It seems that a lot of divorced men nod along and agree with their wife and ex thinking that it makes for a peaceful life but it creates problems as both sides think that he's on their side which makes the problem
worse and makes the women involved seem unreasonable.

Your h needs to make clear what he observed and what his opinion is. He needs to tell the women who weren't even witness to the behaviour to wind their necks in. Then he needs to be an actual parent so you don't seem like an unreasonable disciplinarian . Discipline isn't about being mean to the child- it's teaching them acceptable boundaries so they can cope without you there. He needs to get over himself and stand up for his son's safety ffs,

My husband texts her to say he would prefer it if his mother didn’t get involved but she takes no notice.

Texts the ex or his mum? He needs to pick up the phone and talk to his mother. Sounds pretty feeble texting (where it's hard to convey emotion ) If the texts are to an acrimonious ex, then did he really think that she'd do as requested?

He texted his mother saying she had no business telling him she was disappointed because he didn’t want to stay after the show when the tension was high.

I think he’s scared of his mother? She shouts down and doesn’t see anyone else’s point of view!