Aaagh

[TTQuestion]

My husband never agrees with me that his kids/my step kids have behaved badly. Even when it's blindingly obvious. And this is during conversations between just me and him, that they cannot hear.

Latest example - tonight we all went for dinner. My step sons 11 and 14 both sulked, disagreed with everything the other one said, and i mean EVERYTHING, refused to choose food at first then didn't eat their food despite eventually choosing it themselves, and one son even got a second meal after complaining he didn't like the first. This was simple food, nothing gourmet or new to them. Then of course within half an hour of getting home he was complaining of hunger and didn't like any options in the house.

No thank yous were forthcoming.

My husband did not address these issues at the time and I remained happy and smiley as is my apparent duty. When we got home I said to my husband, we need to deal with this behaviour, especially the constant bickering between them, before we go away on holiday or else it will be ruined. He just looks at my blankly then claims their behaviour was fine.

I get they are teens and their behaviour is typical but that doesn't make it good behaviour. I just want him to acknowledge that.

This happens all the time.

IM GOING OUT OF MY MIND!

I have 2 sons of my own, 12 and 14-- some days are like that, but NO I don't write it off as Ok behaviour. Puberty sucks a bag of dicks, I know that. But your husband needs to get his head out of his bum.

And don't let him say, "Stepmum says..." . No. It needs to come from HIM. Hormones are not an excuse to act like a prat. If teens are let off the hook for bad behaviour, then they grow up to be entitled assholes.

Thank you for responding to me and just for being on my side!

The 11 year old is not a teenager.
They sound awful
Your husband needs to acknowledge they are awful

Sounds frustrating and doesn't make for enjoyable time together that's for sure. Do you think it could be him being defensive or does he really not see anything wrong with how they are?

I wouldn't be able to let this lie, I'd end up really disliking being around them. He needs to be honest with himself and then sort them out.

@TTQuestion you're welcome. I think asking for civility is 100% reasonable.

To answer a previous posters question:

I think he sees their behaviour as bad but is just incredibly defensive when it comes to me being critical of them to him. He does acknowledge this but doesn't know how to stop it. I suppose he just doesn't like someone else telling him things about his kids?

We have some cultural differences and we've often clashed over my way of speaking being too direct for his liking (I'm British, he is not). Example - once one of the boys was moaning about something in the house we all live in and I said (in a jovial voice, not shouting) "well when you pay all the bills, then you can complain but for now you should just be grateful for what you have". Saying this to them was like crime of the century and not something that should be said to a child in his culture.

I am seeking out counselling for us as we speak as we have little chance without some help.

We have a child together as well which is really the only reason I'm still here....

Their behaviour sounds normal for teen boys with no discipline, his as a dad is not. He needs to start teaching what is right and wrong and putting some punishments in place for this behaviour

What's the culture? Sounds like a culture for raising spoilt brats. My teens are ungrateful wretches much of the time and can be rude too. They need to be told frankly.

It's really hard when you get caught in a pattern of one of you feeling constantly defensive. The only thing I find that helps is making lots and lots of effort to praise good behaviour when you see it, and tell their dad lots of things you like about them, showing you do like them (sometimes, at least!) Then you can get away with some comments about the annoying stuff, phrased either around you finding it embarrassing (so clearly your business) or around how the two of you can help improve their relationship/social skills. What doesn't work is if you get into a rut when your DP thinks his kids annoy you, feels that he is responsible for it, but can't see any way to fix it, and so feels he needs to defend them constantly, which just makes you feel helpless and ignored

This behaviour is normal when children can get away with it.
It is normal if you let it be normal.

It is absolutely not normal in lots of families where good behaviour is expected especially when eating out.

I can remember holidays like this - surly brattish teens or near teens- and as you are on hols (or in your case a restaurant) you can't stand up and scream ' Go out and sit in the car then You selfish little shit/s -leave us to enjoy our meal/walk/visit' .
Mine btw were not step kids.
Teens will just do that but maybe discuss going out first, see if they actually want to go. Perhaps if you phrase it as the boys aren't happy or aren't enjoying themselves, what can you both do so they enjoy it/ don't fight, rather than criticising them. He might be more receptive.

Yet another case of a Disney Dad not parenting they kids properly I'm afraid. He needs to sort it out, otherwise it will get worse and worse. good luck OP

If my kids were bickering like that I'd tell them to stop it, or we wouldn't be going to eat out again.

Do you say anything to them? Like tell them to stop?

What culture is it that tip toes around bratty children?

I feel for you OP, it must be hard to warm to your step children when they are so unpleasant.