Stuck in the middle

[BluBee]

I'm a mum of 3 and step mum to 2. My OH and I live with my 3 children and see my OH children during most school holidays as they live quite far away. Up until recently our family dynamic has always been pretty good. However my middle son (11) has had a drastic change in his behaviour. Since starting comprehensive school he has become very disrespectful towards both my OH and myself and also been involved in instances of bullying (something I do not tolerate). He has been disciplined, grounded, no tech etc. He's generally a helpful kid but often he is very easily lead into making bad decisions. My problem now is my OH thinks he is beyond salvation and during some heated arguments he has used derogatory words to describe my son. I am under no illusion that my son is an angel but I also can't believe that there is no hope. My OH has been in their lives since he was 7 and has always been scared that one day one of them would turn around and say to him that he's not their father he doesn't get a say, this happened this week. My OH is ready to walk and I feel completely torn, I don't want to lose him or my step children but I can not give up on my son. Any advice greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position. Ultimately your loyalties need to lie with your son however he does need to realise his behaviour has consequences.

People say things in the heat of an argument and whilst it wasn't nice what he said about your son, you admit he isn't angel and perhaps if you said what your OH said then perhaps it would have been ok...?

I called my OH son an idiot once as I was furious with his behaviour of course my OH flipped and told me never to speak of his child like that again. I apologised and after we'd calmed down he did admit his son was acting like an idiot.

Point of that story is people say things and often wish they could take them back.

You need to speak to your OH calmly and explain that you're not giving up on your son just because he's acting out. Senior school is a challenging time for kids to adjust to so it's no surprise he's pushing the boundaries but instead of your OH simply walking away, you need to stand united as a unit and teach your son right from wrong.

Is the children's father in their life's? If not and your OH has stepped up to help provide for them then you son needs to realise that he's lucky to have a man who cares about him in his life. I would be backing your partner up on this point.

Speak some time individually with both your OH and son and try to sort this out. It doesn't have to come to an end so abruptly.

My OH is adamant that my ds won't change. His dad is in the picture, however his parenting is very different from my own and Ds does not have guidance needed from him. After most if not all occasions of him having spent time with his dad his attitude on his return is terrible. His lack of respect and remorse is the hardest thing to deal with. Once punished he corrects his behaviour for a while and then slowly slips backwards. OH has suggested that he should go to live with his dad if he continues his bad behaviour. Am I wrong to want to keep trying with my son? Surely ias a mother I need to do everything I can to help my son. But I fear it will be at the cost of our blended family.

You dp is being a child and pathetic. You dc is going through a troubling time and I'm not making excuses for his behaviour, but he is a child and when they don't do what you want you don't just give up. It's actually insane to think a 11 is beyond help.
Your dp was always worried that the dc would tell him he isn't there dad, sorry but what stupidness.
He's a grown adult and a parent, these things are just part of having children, they aren't fun and sometimes it's hurtful when you own child says they hate you but you don't just walk away.
You and your dp should be working as a team together forever not just until he's had enough.

It's actually insane to think a 11 is beyond help.

Absolutely! He’s a child in need of guidance, not being given up on and shipped off to his dad.

Your partner’s stance is so bizarre I can help but wonder if he’s not part of the problem. Do not pick this man over your child.

Can you be more specific on what your son is actually doing? Bad behaviour at school and maybe lack of engagement at home doesn't warrant a threat of leaving. It's extreme that you OH is ready to leave over this. Makes me think your sons behaviour must be extreme too...

As a mother I can't imagine giving up on my child but as I also can't imagine allowing my child to split my relationship.

Hi op - I agree with others that your oh's reaction to an 11 year old acting out in senior school (which is what it reads as) is pretty extreme. Is there more going on?
I also just want to add that a friend of a friend (also in a blended family) has three sons. Eldest & youngest never gave her or her dp any trouble. The middle guy was a different story. At aged 15 she pulled him out of school & let him go live with his dad (whose parenting style she didn't love & who is a bit feckless - she says) who was living alone but had a gf. The kid wanted to go, so at the end of her tether with him she eventually agreed. Kid totally turned himself around, is now in university doing pharmacy. She says now she realises he was a kid who just needed his dad for a few years; that he really, really missed him & that he responded to his dad's parenting better that he responded to hers. She has reared her other two & an sdc really well but she says her middle guy just needed something different.
I just tell you this as possibly your guy is struggling with something similar? Hard to say though without more in depth info.

It's a tricky situation and of course you need to be there for your DS.

The honest truth is that people are generally less tolerant of kids who aren't their own. He has the option to leave and you dont, because he's your child.

It's even harder if his own DC are well behaved and don't give this kind of grief...in his mind he's probably thinking 'all this disrespect and hassle and he's not even my kid'

Does your DS want to live with his dad?

Your husband sounds like an utter twat, OP. You will be your son's mother forever, if you choose a man over him now, your relationship will never be repaired.

Also: Of COURSE that will come up. That's inevitable. Tell your son to act respectfully, but your hubs ISN'T his Dad... and your husband is being a child.

My oldest son has gone through a very similar pattern behaviour wise since starting secondary school. He’s nearly 13 and all the things you describe are very familiar. We live with DP, who supports me by talking to me about the issues, but he is very detached from DS - not in an ignoring way, he just doesn’t engage with his behaviour, apart from once or twice making a calm comment when he’s been particularly vile. This is helpful because emotional and confused adolescents are so predictable in how they let out their anger - a new partner is always going to be a target, no matter how long you’ve been together or how good the relationship is. My dp went through it with his ex, who also already had a son, and his engagement made things worse, so he feels calm supportive detachment is better. Your son will get through this horrible period.