I don’t know what to do anymore

[New2Parenting]

I don’t have any children of my own.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years, he has a 9 year old girl from a previous marriage.

I met her when she was 4. Both my husband and his ex wife moved on quickly after they separated.

He tells me he wants me to be a parent to her, but then when I ask her to do something and she said no because she doesn’t want to do it, he then negotiates with her, which I feel undermines me. These would be things I would have my own child do, eg clean their room, eat breakfast etc.

I know feel that no matter what I say she doesn’t listen, has tantrums, say no to most things I ask. Then her dad comes in and babies her to do those things. E.g will sit in her room while she cleans it

I don’t have the best relationship with her. She has told a couple of people she feels like I don’t like her. Truth be told I don’t have any feelings towards her that I imagine a parent would.
I have spent time with her one on one, taken her to activities. But most of the time these end in her not listening and then having a tantrum when I try to tell her off.

I’m feeling after 5 years all of this stuff should have been sorted and my husband has made the situation worse by not having my back. I have never told her to do anything other than general child stuff.

I love my husband, but she is making things hard. I’m ready to give up.

The issues start with your husband. You need to speak to him and explain exactly how you feel and what you need from him to resolve the issue.

It sounds like the things you are asking your SD to do are not unreasonable so your DH needs to back you up. Sadly others often think they are having your back but it seems like they undermine you.

Get your DH on side first then you can start trying to form a relationship with your SD. She's here to stay so you need to try and have a good relationship with her.

How much time do you all spend together? What's the relationship like with SD mum?

Step away from being her parent and start with just being her friend. Let your DH do the parenting. This will take the pressure off you all.

Exactly as pp have said. Take a step back and let your husband do the parenting. If he wants you to be a parent to her he shouldn’t have split with her Mother. It’s making things harder for you both by the sounds of it.

We used to spend time together when her dad works, school holidays as I don’t work everyday.
But now not so much because I can’t handle her not listening.

The relationship between my husband, his ex wife, her new husband and myself is really good. While we don’t necessarily hang out together, we can sit and talk for hours during handovers.
I know that they have also had issues with her.

Firstly dc get questioned and asked to many things these days without anyone actually working out why they say what they do. I would of never told anyone I didn't like my dads gf unless it was my mum. And she would of told my dad why, like I wanted more time with just him, as I only saw him every couple of months.
Secondly OP and this isn't just for you, but children change as they get older and people seem to forget that, they get needy and insecure when the hit 9-13.
They don't just get information from their other family but friends too. My dc really liked my dp because he wasn't like the ones his friends had at school, but also at times they wanted me to themselves even though they like him loads.

People have issues liking their own dc as they grow up and find it hard dealing with the fact they don't listen so it's understandable that other step parents have issues.
You needs rules that are stuck too, you don't have to love this child, they may happen for other people but liking her and caring is enough.

Yet another Disney dad. Your partner needs to start parenting his child properly. He needs to know that his relationship is at risk if he doesn't.

She has told a couple of people she feels like I don’t like her.

She's not wrong is she though.
People think children can't tell someone doesn't like them. They can... and this may be a contributory factor to her behaviour.

Some kids go through a naughty phase no matter what you do.

Regarding her breakfast... once it's there leave her to eat it. She will if she's hungry enough.

With regards to her doing jobs, try creating a rewards chart for good behaviour and jobs well done.

If her room is a mess, let her dad deal with it. She can be encouraged to keep it tidy by having boxes to put her toys in...a bookshelf... and other tidy storage ideas.

Perhaps he/you can also look for things online and get her involved

Let her choose some things that you think are a good fit...so she's choosing from a selection of what you and your DH are happy with. IKEA is a good place to look.

Involve her in choosing bedding and decor for her room, so she takes pride in it and sees it as her own space.

@SandyY2K

I don't hate her, I'm entirely sure how I feel about her. I know I don't love her. I don't have any children for her to be treated differently. I think she thinks I don't like her because I seem to be the only one who doesn't give in to her tantrums (never have). I do include her in things I do for her, eg birthday planning, cooking

I remember back when she was younger like 4. I watched her by myself. She had a tantrum because she got out the bath and she was cold. I had her clothes out on the bed and said "once you get dressed you won't be cold ", it then all starts, with her wining it's cold, then moves to screaming and stomping her feet. Even when she is like this I don't yell/scream at her (I have never).
There is no getting her out of this mood, once she's in it.

We have done all of those things you suggest

If she stops eating breakfast when she's not finished, then maybe 20 minutes later she'll say she's hungry. This than turns into world war 3. Tantrums, screaming, stomping her feet.

In regards to her room, we surprised her with a newly decorated room. She has a cubby in there which all of her things can go. We are not fussy as to how she cleans, she is told regularly to just to it in any box , as I try to do the whole label thing on boxes.

We have tried a reward chat, pocket money she's not interested.

She is and always has been (from what I get told by other people who knew her before me) a child who will only do what she wants to do. Once she wants something nothing else matters.

I do think a lot has to do with how my husband and his ex wife brought her up. But now both have moved on she still has these types of tantrums when she's at her mums.

I'm not saying you hate her, but to children, strictness or a no nonsense approach can be perceived as not liking them, especially in this case when her parents are more lax. Put yourself in her shoes...as a 9 year old kid, you'd probably prefer the parents who gave in to you and were a soft touch.

If she stops eating breakfast when she's not finished, then maybe 20 minutes later she'll say she's hungry. This than turns into world war 3

Why does it turn to WW3? Isn't the food still there for her to eat? And where is her dad when all this happens?

She has 2 parents and 2 steparents who probably all have different styles, even if there are some similarities.

I find that stepdads (generally) don't do as much with or for their stepchildren... and she may (in her little 9 year old mind) wonder why you are more involved than her other stepparent.

Kids can be challenging sometimes and she may just grow out of it, but would step back and let her dad parent her. That's his job.

She probably has all these thoughts as above e.g. why is my step mum a ballache when my stepdad isn’t that involved.

But ultimately while her dad is in the background placating/undermining then you are The Bad Guy. So while he wants you to parent, he can’t have it both ways. Your OH needs to understand this.

The only ‘weapon’ in your armoury is to back off, and leave the parenting to him.

With the breakfast thing I would just leave the food there. If she is hungry 20mins later let her come back to it.

it’s your OH who is the problem really.

The only ‘weapon’ in your armoury is to back off, and leave the parenting to him.

Agree with this. Back off. Be polite, pleasant, positive. But leave him to it. Take yourself out sometimes, not in a pointed “I’m off without you” way, but in a matter of fact fashion (eg “I have a haircut booked and then I’m going to the supermarket if anyone wants anything?”). Have a weekend with friends, so that they can have some “quality father/daughter time”.

She's just not a great loveable easy child. Few are. She needs direction and disciplining within a loving environment.

Don't define her just by what doesn't make her a great kid. Look at the things makes her a nice, fun, or clever child.

A kid, like us adults, will become very weary of people who don't like them. That's not dislike or hate them, just don't like them much.

I'd unforced rules as you are, step away from major Disciplinary issues and try to get involve in her life, including what she does when at her mum, school, activities etc...

You don't have to back off. It's your home and she needs to understand the rules. Don't ignore her when she behaves badly or it will get worse.

Just keep saying no to whatever she wants and leave her to scream until her dad deals with it.