DSS impact on DS

[Jog22]

A lot of back story but in a nutshell 25yr old DSS living at home no job and in room on PC 24yrs a day. Does 1 hour counselling a week. 2 nights out doing a niche hobby. very little cleaning /washing. Doesn't appear to consider he has anxiety/depression. I'm getting very stressed out and worried this is a bad example to 10 yr old. Partner feels guilty and powerless. DSS has two other family members he could live with but doesn't want to. Help me please. This is now effecting my relationship with partner and am so scared it's showing my DS that in 15 yrs he can roll up at ours saying you supported DSS to do nothing so why not me. All I can see is me being the evil stepmum if I put my foot down however I'm past caring about that now.

I’d ask for a time limit, have a frank chat. Say this can’t be forever and get some ground rules. It’s your home, not a hotel so he has to respect that if he wants your help.

Sounds like he’s not doing well though, your DP needs to get his head out of the clouds. One hour a week isn’t going to cut it, he needs taking in hand! Excercising, volunteering. Draw up a contract, if he doesn’t stick to it, he can turn up somewhere else.

Give him a deadline to get a job and move out or give your DH a deadline that you and DS move out.

Your poor dss
This sort of thing is relatively common in young men and hard to overcome.
It won’t impact your ds negatively at all

If your DSS isn't doing anything with his life due to some anxiety issues, it doesn't mean your son will have it. He might have ambition, interests, etc.
I can understand how it feels having an adult "child" doing nothing at home, but I hope you don't show your opinion to your son in order to prevent him from becoming like that. It would be sad if he grew up thinking that his brother is a loser, when what he might need is help.

4 different responses yet you're all right. Thanks people. Unfortunately DS has already witnessed my frustrations and anger although Ive also said how DSS is ill and we're to be kind to him.

DSS needs some structure and routine in his life and being in the house on a Pc isn’t cutting it. You need to discuss with your partner what is reasonable- adequate sleep, so not all night gaming. Fresh air and exercise. Can he take over online shopping for groceries as his contribution to the household. His self worth will be so low he needs help to feel important and effective again. A bit of tough love but he needs the love part to be strong. Agree a weekly plan for him and help him look at voluntary stuff he could do to help others- if he is good on pC many organisations need help there.

Does he do jobs round the house, do washing, make tea?

Anxiety doesn’t result in 24/7 playing games whilst someone else pays for your rent!

Even in supported housing for people with mental health problems - I’ve worked in them - would be working very hard with each individual to get them out each day, an individual plan, like walks, swims, volunteering, job applications.

Basically by saying it’s fine you are both enabling him to go willingly untreated.

I do think OPs right it will affect her DS. They copy what they see. My DSD is now exactly like DSS as OP describes, and part of that I feel is that she copied another sibling.

How is your DSS paying for the hobby he goes to/other things?

If you/your partner are giving him money, I’d stop doing that and make him do things to contribute to the house if he wants to get the money.

Is his hobby something he could potentially make into a job? Making stuff? Teaching/tutoring etc?

It sounds like he needs some easy “wins” to build his confidence. I’m not sure what they’d be.

I'm sorry but you sound like a terrible SM.

Clearly DSS is having issues and doesn't seem to have the ability to cope with life and istead of trying to help, you seem to be putting more pressure on him.

By all means as for some form of routine. Ask him to help around the house with chores if he's staying rent free but encourage him to seek help instead of chastising him.

Why do you think your son will follow in the footsteps of his stepbrother and not you or your DP who presumably work for a living?

This would concern me regardless of whether there was a younger sibling in the home. There doesn't appear to be genuine concern about him, but more so the effect on your DS.

I'm not sure how long this has been going on for, but he might need a different type of support than what he's getting.

Counselling usually is an hour a week, but perhaps looking into whether it's the right type of counselling is an idea.

Do you know if anything triggered this?