Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Husband cut off my son 17

15 replies

GUYA3409 · 29/03/2019 19:37

I have been with my husband for 17 yrs since my son was 11 months and his brothers 5 and 6. Its not been easy but we have stuck together as mine and his children who were 3 and 9 grew up. We thought that the hard bit was over... This last Xmas his daughter 19 decided that she didn't need her dad or me in her life anymore. Living 100 miles apart has lead to her feeling we haven't done enough and perhaps she's right! Anyway my husband although hurt accepted this without a fight saying if that's what she wants she can have it. I was very upset and tried to talk to her with no luck.
My 17 yr old who used to be so caring respectful and polite started driving. He bought a car and started going out which he didn't before. He is hanging around with a group in their late teens/ early 20s and has changed completely. Stopped coming in, showering, eating at home and being so rude to the point it made me cry! I obviously see these as signs of drug abuse and confronted him. He admitted smoking cannabis and we has a good discussion. He promised to come in by 12 shower daily and make more of an effort with us. Within 12 hrs he and my husband had a row about his bad language and called my husband a cu@@. This had never been acceptable now my husband says he wants nothing to do with him. That he can cut his daughter off so this is easy. My son has said the same. I'm devastated to say the least. I cry all the time feel extremely anxious and am resenting my husband for being so cold. My son is growing and pushing the boundaries but it seems there are none and he is becoming more and more distant. What can I do? Please help

OP posts:
llangennith · 29/03/2019 21:02

Your son still needs you so your DH can bugger off.

Firefliess · 29/03/2019 23:05

19 is old enough to leave home and decide you don't want much to do with your family. I wouldn't be too fussed about his daughter being a bit distant.

But 17 is not. No matter how rude and difficult they are they still live with you, and your DP has no right to say he wants nothing to do with him. I can understand him saying that in anger (I've felt that way about my own teens at times!) But once he's calmed down he should know he can't do that and that he needs to work with you to parent your DS and sort out the argument they had. I'd he can't do that you wouldn't be being the parent your son needs by staying with your DP.

SandyY2K · 29/03/2019 23:38

Your son needs to apologise to your H. His behaviour is unacceptable and if it was my stepchild, I'd feel the way your H does.

I wouldn't tolerate my DC talking to me like that, so I definitely wouldn't with a SC.

Your DH has nothing to lose by cutting your son of at this point in his life.. your son is more likely to need financial and other support directly or indirectly from your H.

If your DS doesn't apologise for his attitude and awful language....it leaves you stuck in the middle.

swingofthings · 30/03/2019 06:07

Could your OH actually be a difficult person to live with? How are the other children with him?

Jessgalinda · 30/03/2019 06:21

Has your son tried to make amends?

Is actually sticking to agreements you made?

Was there any agreement he would stop smoking?

Weightsandmeasures · 30/03/2019 06:58

Your son may be 17 and still technically a child but his behaviour is unacceptable. He may not yet be and adult and may need support but that does not give him the right to abuse your DH in his own home.

The biggest problem is your son's drug use. It sounds like he is in the grips of a downward spiral. The impact on both your and your husband and the rest of the family can be huge.

Your son needs to take ownership of his life and actions, and not use your husband to deflect the accountability where it lies - with your son!

Your son is the one taking drugs, disrespecting the boundaries of your home (staying out late, not showering etc) and then verbally abusing your DH. Why exactly is the focus on your DH's understandsble reaction to be mightly ticked off and not wanting to having anything to do with what sounds like an unpleasant nearly adult man?

Original poster
GUYA3409 · 30/03/2019 11:44

I spent the night at my mums after a blazing row with husband last night. I did manage to speak to son who realises that he has been difficult assures me he has not smoked for 2 weeks. We came up with some rules and boundaries which he has agreed to including apologising to husband and trying to make ammends. However on returning home my husband has just told me he wants a divorce. Now I really don't know what to do.....I feel im not allowed to express my feelings with him as he suffers from depression anxiety and ptsd and I don't want to put things on him so I bottled up so much and it all came out last night. I said thing I didn't mean as did he and now I think it's over....Oh blimey what a mess

OP posts:
llangennith · 30/03/2019 14:30

Agree to the divorce.

Amongstthetallgrass · 30/03/2019 14:35

Agree to it.

Ticklingcheese · 30/03/2019 14:51

Having teens can be shit, but they are still your children and need support, help and love, no matter how awful they are.
It appears that your dh cannot do this, and that his world is centered around himself.
No matter what his diagnose, if he can't even emotionally support his children, he is NOT worth your effort. You will probably spend your life catering to his needs only. And understandably your dcs will be long gone for you if you only value his wellbeing.
Sounds as you and your dcs would be much better off without him.

Warmhandscoldheart · 30/03/2019 15:12

I'm sorry you're in this situation. You said things you didn't mean and so did he but the truth is you've probably thought them for a while and the row allowed you to say them out loud.
You need to look at your marriage and think what you really want.
Your son still needs to stick to the rules and boundaries though and apologise for swearing.

Weightsandmeasures · 30/03/2019 20:06

Where drugs are being used and abuse, tough love is often better than tolerating a and excusing unacceptable behaviour. He is 17 not 12. He must respect his parents and their home.

OP, the situation in your home sounded very stressful. Perhaps the two of you should find some time to speak and acknowledge this, and find a way forward. If divorce is truly the only way forward, then so be it but it's important not to make a rash decision based on response to a vert pressurised environment.

loveanother · 30/03/2019 20:12

Good luck when your husband's cleared off as he refuses (quite rightly) to be abused in his own home, and your almost adult son fucks your off and leaves you to pick up the pieces.

Blewbird · 30/03/2019 20:19

Take a break. Let the steam come off. Then try for an honest conversation if only to work toward a constructive divorce.

TanMateix · 06/04/2019 15:05

Your son still needs you so your DH can bugger off.

I would have thought I’d the other way around... it doesn’t seem the son is contributing to his food expenses, services or to keep a roof over his head. If OP and her husband end up splitting up that’s the end of his comfortable life unless that is OP can continue to support her near to be an adult son on her own income.

I can bet the moment the husband goes, the son will start blaming and abusing OP.

I would read him the riot act op, he is not an adult but he is not a child either. At 16, even kids in care are stop being cared for.

I hope you can sort things with your husband, he is right to be annoyed and wanting to go. If he is just getting hell from your kid, why would he like to stay, especially when you have not been able to keep your teen’s behaviour in check (not that you can do in certain cases...)

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread