Question from a former SD:

[MommyBunny2]

Okay, I don't have stepkids, but I WAS a stepdaughter, and to be honest, I want to gain some perspective on things.

I know I wasn't a perfect kid, but I wasn't really horrible, either. I tried. And I more blame my BD than her. But, when I was 9, my folks had been divorced about a year (I later found out it was because she walked in on him with my future SM, but my mom didn't tell me that until YEARS later.)

I didn't see him unless it was his weekend, anyway, but I'm at my grandparents house and her boss casually mentions that my father had gotten married the previous day. I had NO idea.

So, I call, I say, "Daddy, you got married?" (I had met her all of twice at this point.)

He's like, "Yeah, I wanted to surprise you!"

(Right... that's not traumatic to a kid...)

I asked if he "surprised" her daughter, too (she was a year younger than me), and he said, "No, she was in the wedding."

Naturally, I was HURT, but I kind of internalized it, because I was freaking NINE, and we didn't talk about feelings stuff, he and I.

Over the years, I had a feeling she was being shoved in front of me, and I think I resented that, but as I've gotten older, I realized he really preferred her because she played sports and I wasn't into sports; I was a socially awkward, bookish klutz with scoliosis. Though, she was a bully, and her mother, grandmother and sisters made it pretty clear I was just in the way and probably shouldn't be there... Why was I there?

I guess it's hard to have closure with it, because they are both gone now, but I guess I'm trying to wonder was there something I could have done differently that I wouldn't have been resented? Or did they just want her ahead of me?

It's not you it's them. I was second class to both my parents in preference to the birth children on my partner. I'm close to my dad but haven't spoken to my birth mother in twenty years, she's just not that bothered by me and I was always an inconvenience. It hurts but I can't change other people.

@Namechangedtoprotect thank you. Sorry about your Mum.

None of this is your fault.

Sadly, there are some people in the world who just aren't very nice people. There is nothing stopping such people from having kids.

You can't change the past and there is nothing you can do or ever could have done to change people. All you can do now is fill your life with positive people and live well.

Thank you.

No, it wasn't your fault whatsoever. Some people are just not good parents/people.
I get irritated by my SD's behaviour, mostly because I don't have the authority to discipline her, but I don't make her feel like she's a burden. My ex however stopped almost all contact with our son after his new woman claimed that I sent her intimate pictures of me (!). It's not my son's fault that his father is a dick.

Nothing that you could have done would have caused something like that. It was NOT your fault.

There are some times nasty dynamics in separated/blended families that have nothing to do with the children. Considering your SM was the OW, it may have been that he thought that by inviting you to the wedding your mum would see it as if you were betraying her, it may have been that he wanted to cause less heartache, he may have wanted to avoid a further problem with your mum or he was a selfish dad just thinking of himself.

I suppose that if the relationship between your parents had been different (ie. amicable divorce not an affair) things may have been easier for you all.

The adults made some terrible decisions and none of it was your fault or because of you.

They may well have been acting in some
Misguided and what they thought to be kind as directed by your mum, or by grandparents or themselves.

But they got it wrong.

Not you.