Male and female step parenting differences

[Grosserygangrule]

I’ve been on this board for years under many names, had some really good advice about a difficult situation and some pretty vile posts to questioning my husbands illness etc.

Anyway I was thinking about being a stepparent and how utterly thankless it is for women more than men.

Women are expected to love dscw as their own, usually expected to cook and clear up and do picks up etc. And if they aren’t thrilled about it at all times, they’re an evil bitch.

Stepfathers generally just have to live in the same house and provide monetary support towards the usually mother and he is seen as being wonderful.

Why is it so different between expectations of men and women, is it because we’re supposed to be nurturers by nature?

I find this bored more and more depressing every time I read it as it can be so nasty to stepparents.

swing I absolutely take responsibility and in my conversation with my DP, I clearly stated that it was both my fault that I'd not only done this but hadn't said to him outright that I would help with the party but that he was still expected to do xyz. i.e. a dividing and conquering of chores.
It's absolutely my fault but as I said, I guess I have gotten used to grown men acting like grown men and actively pulling their weight. Not treating their other halves like some sort of glorified help and then expecting their partner to be grateful that they had allowed you to participate in such a special day for their DC. . I kid you not, he said that to me.

I have actually also been the partner in the above analogy and I paid, last year, for both my DC and his DC to go away on a lovely holiday. What I did do this time however, is make clear that this was a one off, a treat. I explained that my finances wouldn't stretch to covering all kids and us in the future. And I mean't it.

I often wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, how I would feel. Both in terms of the kids party and the holiday situation.

Re the party - it wouldn't happen. Wherever the party was held (unless I had paid people to do it all), if that party was for my DC, I would be the person getting as much done the day before/ the morning of the party. I would be working the hardest and be so grateful for friends/ family who had pitched in and helped. My DP would never have found himself in that situation I was in.

Re the holidays? How would I feel if the situation was reversed? That one is a much harder one, and one I have wrestled with for some time. By nature I am a generous person and I am incredibly blessed (that whilst I am not close to wealthy), I am relatively financially secure. So that means, I have in the past leant money to my closest friends and I don't expect it back. I guess I live by the mantra, 'there but for the grace of God, go I'. Any one of us can need financial help and if those closest to you, who have it cannot help, then what is the point? One day, I may need that help too...and I know those closest to me would do the exact same if they could help.

When it comes to my partner however, different rules have come into play but I recognise that thats because this isn't a one off helping a friend, this is future, DC's inheritance and relationship dynamic for the rest of life. Because, as you have said yourself, these 'big' conversations need to happen before people move into 'blended' situations. And I myself have tried. I have suggested that we go to one of our respective family lawyers and spend time discussing our individual finances (so in essence, give full financial disclosure), and ask how situations like ours are set up if we 'blend'. How are assets protected in the event of a split? How does it work if one of us move into the others house and that person then pays towards a % of the house in terms of running costs, does that person then think part of the house should be theirs and if so, what % if that is the case? If one of us dies tomorrow and the estate passes straight to the DC, what happens to the other one in the house. IMO the holiday discussion is the tip of the iceberg and it's these incredibly difficult conversations that actually sit beneath.
My DP didn't take me up on my offer of going to the lawyers, his reasoning didn't sit well with me and since then, I have pulled back how much I invest in monetary matters. Including holidays.

When I read these threads about money...and one partner having more and not extending their money to their partner and her DC, I have a deep amount of sympathy for both sides. Because I wonder, did you both sit down and have the really hard conversations about the bigger picture overall?

I care about money, because ultimately, it's my DC's future. Their inheritance and their security. I don't come from money, so they will not inherit any 'family' money. It's on me. And I strongly feel that spending that money on my partner and his DC, is ultimately doing my own children a disservice. Does my partner feel that way? Nope. Does it sit well with him? Nope.

So who's right?

In my experience my SM was very needy and jealous of my relationship with my DF, but my SF was just accepting of me and didn’t see me as an inconvenience or a threat to his and my DMs relationship. I think women tend to be more territorial and insecure whereas men for the most part just go with the flow in relationships which include DCs. I know two people over the years who had similar experiences; absolutely great SFs, but nightmare SMs.

@stealthmode

On the contrary I thought you taught him a lesson the right way with the party.

I'm sure when your DC have a party you do everything.

In all honesty I think things like organising kids parties fall to the mother, so when a couple split, the man is quite clueless as far as this sort if thing and expects his new partner to do it.

Like a pp said, you put on your best side at the beginning of a relationship and do it, rather than start as you mean to go on.

It doesn't help when you get taken for granted and feel unappreciated for everything you do.

These men were never hands on with their own DC when married, so hardly likely to step up with someone else's children.

livelove I’m not remotely territorial, if anything I fully expect my DP’s time and attention to pivot to his Dc when he sees them. I’m fully respectful of their relationship. Sad that that is your experience however.

The challenge is if during that time, you’re expected to be the skivvy (cook meals, clean, wash) whilst he spends quality time with his DC. It’s intensely irritating. What sort of example does he set his own children? If they don’t see him doing these chores that are part of everyday life? Or better still, why don’t these men get their arses into gear and prep a meal the night before the DC arrive so that it just needs sticking in the oven and they’ve thereby taken care of dinner one of the nights of the EOW. I mean this stuff is not rocket science. It’s a little forward planning and respect that your partner is not your slave.

My DP in relation to my own DC has zero responsibility. School bags/ uniform / mufti days/ school trips/ holiday childcare/ food shops all fall to me to be on top of and sort. I can’t remember (genuinely) the last time he saw that my fridge was near empty and asked ‘do you need me to go to the supermarket?’.

So in the nicest possible way, he has zero need to be resentful or territorial about my Dc and the demands therefore it makes in his time/ energy/ money. Because I do everything for them. And he has to make absolutely zero compromises in relation to the logistics around my children.

So I can clearly see that, in regards to this dynamic. Being a step father is far easier. I am finding it intensely difficult to break my DP out of this pattern so I simply now leave him and his DC to their own devices and the logistics / food of when he has them are for him to sort.

I should add btw that I find acting this way incredibly hard. It isn’t my natural state and therefore I actually find it stressful. So it has caused me to question how compatible we actually are longer term.

My natural state is to help and do things for people. But I clearly know that unless I spell it out for him, it doesn’t come naturally to him to ‘see’ what needs to be done. And I’m just not used to that. It’s the perils of dating a man who used to have SAHW...He’s never had to learn about the true dynamic of a family where both parents work and equally split the chores in the home. Plus he’s just phenomenally lazy after he’s done his day at work. I swear, if I came home and collapsed after every day in the office the way he does. My house would be in disarray.

Interesting thread and opinions.

I fully understand where OP is coming from. I don't get to see DSC as often as I'd like, only every other weekend but once I live with DP then it'll be every time he has them.

I love seeing them and love treating them and doing the normal things like cooking dinner and taking the dog for a walk however whatever I do will never be 'right' in their Mums eyes.

All I care about is the kids but sadly there seems to be other agendas on the table. The kids are constantly worried about Mum when they are with us as she says things like she'll be all alone. That puts so much pressure on them.

Let's be honest, we're never going to 'win' as step parents. All we can do is the best we can and do right by not just the kids but ourselves.

It's such hard work but it's also so rewarding.

What was your DP’s reasoning for not speaking to a lawyer re finances, stealthmode ?

Interesting discussion.

When I was in full ‘honeymoon phase’ with DP I tended to consciously offer to do stuff to be helpful to him as a dad, I can see that now. As time has gone on I only do stuff if I feel the sentiment is appreciated and reciprocated in the name of ‘teamwork’.

Perhaps that’s why time is so important in blending situations. The scales do need to fall from everyone’s eyes. So far so good with me and DP.

But I say this from the safety of a ‘non cohabiting’ position. Who can say what would actually happen if we moved in. I could start to feel unappreciated. Could all go belly up! Maybe that’s just, er, ‘relationships’?!

Step fathers have it easier than step mothers. There is much less expected of them in terms of actual parenting. It's not unlike men having it easier when it comes to parenting in general

I disagree my dh is a step father to ds from the age of 2 he’s now 10 he does more parenting than ex and his dw. When dh got with me his life changed, he was young and free to go as his pleased previously with no restrictions but he knew getting with me and that I had a child our lifestyle would be different. We couldn’t just go away randomly and we didn’t have the spare income as I worked part time. Where as ex and his dw has plenty of holidays away together and had more disposable income as they didn’t have any restrictions with childcare as I did. I think it’s easy being a parent to a child two nights a week but when you have the school runs, hospital appointments and to cater you’re job around you’re child and try organise annual leave to cover school holidays. I definitely made more sacrifices as did dh than ex and his wife did, having a child didn’t impact him in the way it did with me which I think is why he left he didn’t want to parent full time. My dh never once complained about having ds which is why I never understand SM complaining about SC visiting when often or not their visits are pretty limited to certain days and they are child free the rest of the time.

Latent his reason was in essence to state that he didn’t understand why we needed to take that step. I also genuinely think that my approach was bit too ‘businesslike’ for him. I can see in hindsight why he felt that way and it made me feel (for a while) exceptionally material, greedy and self serving truth be told.

And you know what? You only have to look at multitudes of threads on mnet where one half of a couple earns more/ has more disposable income and has these exact conversations, only for the vast majority of posters to crucify that person and state that that pattern of thinking is not what being in a relationship is about. I.e the overriding view on mnet is that a partnership (true partnership) is about supporting someone you are with, financial only being one small part of that.

I think my DP comes from that school of thought.
My school of thought is, I have to look out for my future and my children. Because my DP’s priorities are his children (rightly). And so whether I move into his house or he moves into mine (buying a new place together simply wouldn’t be an option initially) I think we would both be wise to take this advice to protect ourselves.

His reasoning didn’t sit well with me because in essence it was to criticise my POV and it raised red flags galore in me. If you love me and want to be with me, and don’t give two hoots about money? Why wouldn’t you go to a lawyers and have a meeting so settle any nerves your future partner has? I mean if that what it takes to make me feel secure (as someone with one divorce down)....why wouldn’t you do it?

And that is the only question that circles my mind. Because if the shoe was on the other foot and he asked me to do the exact same, I would have gone in a heartbeat.

Oh and I should add. I have an eclectic (small) group of friends who think very differently to me, so serve as a useful perspective givers. So in essence they regularly call BS on me.
They were all unanimous (for once) that if I had moved him with him, or him with me, without these big conversations and a respectful legal agreement that we were both happy with, it would be an incredibly naive and stupid move on my part. Sad but true.

I agree with you entirely stealth, about the tricky practical and financial questions. They are very pertinent. It is silly to sleepwalk into this stuff with the prospect of things potentially unravelling, and not protecting the dc.

To me it sounds as though your DP thinks of home/work life as divided into pink jobs and blue jobs?

Facilitating family life and running a home - pink job

Going out to work - blue job (er.. wait.. and also pink job)

My school of thought is, I have to look out for my future and my children
The common school of though is what is right is what is right for them. So when the person is to benefit from a sharing arrangement, it is the moral right thing to do. When they don't get to benefit, it is the wrong thing to do because you should be looking after yourself and your children.

It's more common that all should be shared here because in the majority, the woman is the one who gets to benefit from a all sharing arrangement.

My view is that in most circumstances, one is almost inevitably going to lose whilst the other will gain, however it is the responsibility of the latter to minimise the gap. I think there is a trend by wish men tend to look (and maybe fall in love) with women who seem enthusiastic at the prospect of being a zerogstecmum for his adored kids and take pleasure in looking after them, cooking and helping. Women tend to be attracted to men who can offer them financial security, with whom they will be able to remain sahm, or still work PT. This is probably mostly unconscious.

So when the woman they fell in love with suddenly makes a point after they've committed that they don't intend to act as a mini mum to their kids and that as it is his kids, he should do it all, they face quite a disappointment. Some will accept it, some will end the relationship, many will stay but brew discontentment and feeling they've been manipulated.

Similarly, when mum's discover that their partner is not as financially St's le as they thought, are happy to pay more in maintenance that they need to and still pay more direct for their kids, expect all kids to go on their holidays etc...and the finances are tight but they don't want to be earning more themselves, resentment builds in.

I do think a lot of it would reduced if couples forming were more honest from the start and maybe more compatible in what they expect from their partner. If you meet a wonderful man with children but you have no interest in participating in raising his kids, make it clear from the start. Either he will think you're not the one for him, but that will save the headache later or indeed, he doesn't want a women to help him bring up his kids and therefore will consider you even more his match.

I think ladies I am caught in the cycle of having a DP who loves the fact that I am self reliant financially (because he’s already paying maintenance to his EXW who remains a SAHM) and quite frankly he couldn’t afford to run a second family as well.

But at an emotional level, I believe that he struggles with it (but wouldn’t say so out loud). And I don’t blame him for feeling that way. If I went from being the breadwinner, (in my blue world with a SAHW) to no longer identifying as the breadwinner, and also having someone rival that status...how would I feel? I don’t think I’d find it easy.

So at a logical level I think he appreciates my financial independence. But emotionally struggles with it. Especially when I have the ‘man’ convo and say ‘hey, I need to protect my assets, can we go to the lawyers’

And swing that is an intensely insightful post.

I think you’re spot on.

@stealthmode - you could be me writing! My dp loves my financial independence but finds my bluntness around finances hard to take.
@swingofthings I too think you're right in your last post. However in my situation dp & I spoke about expectations both at the start of & throughout our relationship. I stated that I would never ask him to support my kids but that I would also never mind his unless in dire circumstances like their dm getting sick or worse - minding them is his (& his exw's) job just as supporting mine is (my & my exh's job). All this was fine or so I thought. Recently (after a counseling session -his not mine) he told me that he found my lack of willingness to be more caring/parental with his kids hard to take!?! Cue, another set of discussions trying to sort this one out!
Dp's exw is a sahm & has no intention of working. Dp is a high earner but 3/4's of his salary goes on maintenance & saving for uni & he has very little disposable income left. He gets very emotionally confused about what he expects from women imo. On the one hand he resents his exw for not working & for him having to shoulder all the finances, but also seems to resent me for being so busy because I HAVE (& want) to work & am the rp to my kids.
I honestly don't think this stuff will ever get resolved unless sahm cease to be a thing. I realise this sounds very hardline of me but until BOTH parents are contributing financially (not necessarily equally) to their kids upkeep & BOTH parents share parenting responsibilities (again not necessarily equally) & there exists decent parental leave programs & proper state subsidised childcare there's always going to be this tension regarding financial & other responsibilities.
I have a few Swedish & Norwegian friends who tell me that sahm are few and far between in Scandinavia but that working with kids is made very easy due to excellent childcare & flexible employers.
This is not a dissing of sahm's at all - I just don't think the traditional family model of mum at home with kids & dad out providing is sustainable in an age where family set ups have radically altered & it seems to build huge resentments in cases of divorce &/or remarriage/partnering.
I haven't explained myself very well as am rushing .

Magda, I live in Denmark and it's true about Scandinavian childcare. It's also very common for the father to do a couple of months paternity when the mum goes back to work to bond - so in general there may be a higher percentage of fathers who have experienced a bit of doing the main parenting role for a little while.

I will say that when I when I was still dating my girlfriend she was very blunt about what would be expected if we got to the point where I moved in. There were no misconceptions that I could just coast along while she did all the 'parent' stuff. After a couple of years I don't really see how else it would work - our 'us' time is after the girls are in bed, can't really see what quality there would be to it if she was exhausted from doing everything herself and building resentment at my lazy arse stuck to the sofa?

I totally agree with many that the amount of time they live with you must make a difference. My SD's are with us 12 days out of 14.

I now have a daughter, born on Saturday, and gurgling happily away next to me as I type. Right now she's my world, but I'm not sure to what extent I'd say I love her more than her sisters. She's "mine" but I've got the rewards for the work I've put in with the other two. We have an amazing bond. We've had to gently turn down their request to call me "dad." My wonderful daughter feels like.. part of the tapestry of our family?

BUT... I didn't carry her inside me for nine months. Like her sisters, she kind of popped into my world one day. Yes, she'll have more of my biological features, but her sisters have facets of my behaviour and humour. Maybe from this point of view, it's easier for a Stepfather to feel at least a similar love for his stepchildren? I think the difference would be more pronounced if only one of them had grown inside me? It's a bond us men can simply never know.