Male and female step parenting differences

[Grosserygangrule]

I’ve been on this board for years under many names, had some really good advice about a difficult situation and some pretty vile posts to questioning my husbands illness etc.

Anyway I was thinking about being a stepparent and how utterly thankless it is for women more than men.

Women are expected to love dscw as their own, usually expected to cook and clear up and do picks up etc. And if they aren’t thrilled about it at all times, they’re an evil bitch.

Stepfathers generally just have to live in the same house and provide monetary support towards the usually mother and he is seen as being wonderful.

Why is it so different between expectations of men and women, is it because we’re supposed to be nurturers by nature?

I find this bored more and more depressing every time I read it as it can be so nasty to stepparents.

Women are more likely to be working fewer hours if at all, hence more likely to be expected to do more household chores. Men are more expected to contribute financially.

It comes down to the balance within the family. Financial independence vs chore independence. Where the balance is wrong is when women contribute as much if not more financially AND do most of the chores.

Also, I think it's more of a norm (and forgive me if I'm wrong) - that a man is likely to move in to a house with a woman and her children, so he gets to see more of them and integrate/bond a lot more.

I know my DH is a much better SP than I am because he sees my DC on a daily basis whereas I see one of my SSs very rarely (he's grown up, left home etc.) and my younger SS is not here enough for me to connect with as much as I would like - but I have to follow his lead.

Is there a phrase familiarity breeds respect? I know my DC respect and appreciate my DH a lot more than my SS do me.

I don’t find stepparenting thankless at all. Both my partner and my step daughter are always grateful for what I do.

I think usually people feeling it’s thankless are feeling that because of lack of partner support, respect, unrealistic expectations etc.

Step fathers have it easier than step mothers. There is much less expected of them in terms of actual parenting. It's not unlike men having it easier when it comes to parenting in general.

However statistically step fathers are more likely to abuse the step kids than step mothers. The difference is vast- it's something like 4% of child abuse cases involve the "evil stepmother" or dads girlfriend vs 20% that involve mothers boyfriend or stepfather.

I don’t think it’s just in stepparenting that the expectation of men and women is different, I think women are held to much higher standards than men even with their own biological children.
It takes very little for men to be considered a good father, and very little for women to be considered a bad mother.

For example if you described a mother in the way you’d describe my ex (who is considered a good father) she would be vilified. A mother who saw her children EOW, never attends school events like parents evening or plays because of other commitments, and only pays a small proportion of their income towards their children (CMS basic) would be considered a crap mum.

It’s sad but it’s true.

Women are expected to love dscw as their own, usually expected to cook and clear up and do picks up etc. And if they aren’t thrilled about it at all times, they’re an evil bitch.

Expected by who though? The men they are with, people in general? Or is that their perception of what people expect from them because it makes they relationship seem stronger. I've never expected any of what you said of my sons SM and if my ex ever has, he's been put right because that's not what she does. Not saying she does nothing, but she's no skivvy for my ex and DS and I absolutely respect that. And I'd be taking a leaf out her book if I was ever a SM. Not a chance in hell

And we see it all the time on here. People telling SM's they shouldn't be doing all the parenting, etc. So who is expecting it?

I don't think it's expected by society in general. I just think it's a role too many women have put themselves into. How often do we see it on here, girlfriends of 6 months desperate to take on far more involvement than is expected of them?

And we see it all the time on here. People telling SM's they shouldn't be doing all the parenting, etc. So who is expecting it?

Yeah......
But we also see a disengaged step mothers treated as the worst evil and THOSE POOR KIDS!!!
Just see what happens when a step mother is not being motherly towards step kids but is being motherly to her own.

Women are expected to love dscw as their own, usually expected to cook and clear up and do picks up etc. And if they aren’t thrilled about it at all times, they’re an evil bitch.

not on MN! maybe in real life this is what youre hearing but it certainly isnt what you see on MN threads.

Women are expected to love dscw as their own, usually expected to cook and clear up and do picks up etc. And if they aren’t thrilled about it at all times, they’re an evil bitch.

Fathers generally expect more from stepmothers than mothers do from stepfathers. Women are putting pressure on themselves. I'm an ex-wife and wouldn't expect my children's stepparent to love them as their own. The ideal would on the lines of a teacher who really likes my kid or the way that the average person feels about a niece or nephew.

I think woman in general are more resentful about becoming step parents. In my experience some woman don’t feel they should have to be a ‘mother’ to someone else’s child And are more likely to want a fresh family away from the fathers old children and therefore eventually distance themselves from Step kids and doing anything for them.
But step fathers tend to move in with the step kids permanently and become more of a ‘parent’ figure and aren’t as openly resentful and ‘they’re not my kids’ about it.

That’s from my experience of about 15 step families I know.

My view on it is that in any relationship, the women is expected to take care of the kids. The man expects to have little to do with them. That remains true when one of the parents is a step parent. This dynamic is bad enough when they are combined children, but is usually acceptable to the women as they are her children. But it obviously it causes conflict when they aren't.

Fathers generally expect more from stepmothers than mothers do from stepfathers
But again, mothers usually expect SF to support them and her children more than fathers expect their new partner to do and Indeed so is the law.

You can't consider how much one partner does in the house without considering the family finances. All on all my partner and I share chores 50/50 but then we work the same hours and bring in the same income. If I went down to 4 days and expected him to contribute a bit more financially, then yes, there would also be an expectation that I took on more duties at home and rightly so.

The concept of loving dsc as your own is an unrealistic one in most cases. The love you have for your own is aort of primal and instinctive, it’s so powerful and unshakable. I greatly like my dsc they are fab kids but I don’t think it is possible to love them as my own. I do treat them all the same which is why I end up doing the majority of cooking etc. I cook ds tea every night therefore by default I obviously cook the dsc when they’re here.

I do think sm have a lot more expectation put on them in terms of emotional care than sf

You can't consider how much one partner does in the house without considering the family finances. All on all my partner and I share chores 50/50 but then we work the same hours and bring in the same income. If I went down to 4 days and expected him to contribute a bit more financially, then yes, there would also be an expectation that I took on more duties at home and rightly so

However I think it depends on the household. If you marry someone who earns more or works more than you and they have other kids that aren’t yours biologically that they are also paying for out of that pot then it doesn’t work either.
Because your expected “50%” contribution to the family pot is also subsidising their children.
If you earn less or choose to do less hours then as long as you’re covering your own costs I don’t see why you should have to pick up extra household chores. Being with someone who has kids that aren’t yours changes the normal balance of things and if you choose to have more kids then you are choosing to take on the work and stresses that come with those kids.

Stepmums are often expected to look after their own children and then also do a lot of the practical care for SCs too... even making extra dinner, changing extra beds etc may not seem much different to what they’re doing for their own kids but it obviously adds to their household workload.

The problems arise usually when the biological parent doesn’t recognise this, appreciate it, or contribute to these for their own children.

I have 2 kids and so does my DP. I cook the majority of the time and clean up after my kids daily as they live here most of the time.
When my SCs are here for the weekend DP does all the cooking for the family and cleans up after SCs, changes their beds, washes their clothes etc.
He doesn’t expect me to do any of it because they’re his children, and when I do help he is appreciative. That’s why it works, if he didn’t acknowledge my efforts or expected me to clean up after them then we wouldn’t be together.
I have no desire to double my household workload looking after his children.

I haven't found that personally tbh. Maybe because DH has more kids than me, it's me who's recieved the comments about how brave/saintly/mad I must be to take them on. Also when one of them moved to live with us full time I got praise from DH's family in particular saying how good it was that I'd done that. I don't think DH gets so much praise for taking on my two, especially regarding them living with him as it's just taken for granted that they do.

I do do a lot more for my DSC than DH for mine on a practical level - a result of working shorter hours, already being used to being a primary carer, and meeting needs that weren't being met. DH's contribution to my kids is more financial, which I guess doesn't mark him out for any special praise as he's a high earner so people just expect that of him.

I think woman in general are more resentful about becoming step parents.

I think it all boils down to the fact that women are expected to do the caring and nurturing motherly role and all of the donkey work.

Plus I do think biology plays a part and women are wired differently to men when it comes to other people’s children. Women are more protective of their own.

All the stepdad has to do is go to work and earn money and he’s the big hero. The mum just carries on with her normal parental duties towards her own children and her partner gets an easy job as the doting stepdad who doesn’t have to do very much apart from bring money in and the fun stuff because the children’s mum does all the donkey work which the stepmum does in her household.

And women are held to much higher standards than men no matter what the family set up is eg nuclear or blended.

I'm a little disheartened by how many posters are of the view that (in the majority) what the man brings to the table is the financial contribution in terms of financially supporting his current wife/ partner and her kids. Maybe thats because that is the reality of life in society.

I have been in a long term relationship, we both have children and we don't live together, in the main because of some of the differences discussed on this thread (great thread by the way).

I would say in the beginning my DP completely shot himself in the foot. By expecting a lot from me in terms of my behaviour with his DC. I already run a house, work FT in a highly pressured job, and have the logistics of my two DC to run (along with a ExH whom is a brilliant co-parent and makes it all possible). He then expected me to step in and do more when his DC were here. Whereas the amount he is ever asked to do (and does) with my DC is absolutely minimal.

So as others have said, this can lead to intense resentment.
I will also say, he gives me zero financial contribution, if anything its the other way with my picking up the cheque more often for dinners/ holidays.

I would say that his 'expectations' and then his inability (in the beginning) to pitch in with my DC is one of the main reasons I have been exceptionally unwilling to 'blend'. Because I sit here and think, 'what do I get out of this?'.

In my situation, this would only work if my DP stepped up and became a complete equal in terms of chores, every day logistics and pitched in the way a family does. I don't think this is a male/ female thing btw. I actually think my DP can be self absorbed, can be lazy and both are not a great combo. It also doesn't help him in so much that my EXh (even though our marriage didn't work) was phenomenal around the house and always pitched in. I don't recollect a time when he happily sat on the couch letting me do chores round the house......

I think these dynamics are for partners in the relationship to sort and establish.

If you earn less or choose to do less hours then as long as you’re covering your own costs I don’t see why you should have to pick up extra household chores
I agree if you are indeed covering your own costs but most don't working PT.

I also don't get the victimise attitude of expectations. Surely who does what is something that is agreed when moving in together. There has to be a first time for it all.

So what happened when he asked 'what are you cooking tonight'? Surely a response along the line of 'I don't know, you tell me, aren't you cooking for your kids'? Would have set the line from the start.

I think the issue is many new partner want to please ans impressed at the start so do offer to cook, do the cleaning with a smile and the frustration comes when it is set and taken for granted.

I agree if you are indeed covering your own costs but most don't working PT
But it depends... if you’re expected to pay 50% of household costs which cover kids that aren’t yours then that’s not on.
For example if you live in a 3-4 bed house because that’s what you need to accommodate your SCs and you’re expected to contribute 50% of the mortgage when in reality you occupy only one of those bedrooms, then I don’t necessarily think that’s fair either.

Like I said it all depends on the circumstances. Many people could easily work part time and afford 50% of what they need for example a 1-2 bed flat or apartment.

So what happened when he asked 'what are you cooking tonight'? Surely a response along the line of 'I don't know, you tell me, aren't you cooking for your kids'? Would have set the line from the start

I’m not sure who that’s aimed at? Surely not me because if he had ever asked that with the assumption that I was going to cook (regardless of whether his kids were with us or not) without considering he might be cooking dinner... then we wouldn’t be together

@stealthmode you sound very sensible and realistic. I like it

But it depends... if you’re expected to pay 50% of household costs which cover kids that aren’t yours then that’s not on
I agree, tge government doesn't though. If I lose my job tomorrow, my dh would have to cover 100% of my children costs. My ex only has to pay 10% of his income.

I think as a whole, step fathers tend pay a lot more than just their own costs when getting together with a, partner with children.

I’m not sure who that’s aimed at? no, not you, but any stepmums who complained they are expected to cook for their step-kids, clean after rhem, pick them up from school etc... How did the first instance of it happen, or second if first was done as a favour. How do you find yourself doing it routinely unless you agreed to it in the first place?

swing I think it happens through naivety and wanting to be helpful. It’s why I did it. I genuinely thought that when my partner saw how much I did, he would also step up his input when his DC were not with us and that a pitching in dynamic from both sides would happen. I even remember offering to help organise a few birthday parties for his DC. The sum total of the prep he did? Next to nothing. I was run off my feet and absolutely shattered.

I sat him down after it happened and we had a conversation about why he’d done so little. He got incredibly defensive and stated that he saw his children so little, that he didn’t want to spend their party cleaning and running about and as his partner, I should be happy to be supportive and help him so he can enjoy the day. Valid on some level I suppose.

But not so valid when you think he could have prepped lots of food the day before the party..gotten up extra early the day of the party to prep....and actually asked me and said, if I do xyz before and after the party...do you mind if I leave you in charge of xyz during the party so I can spend it with the children? And I’ll help you clear up later that evening, after they’re in bed. Of course I wouldn’t have minded.

But he didn’t. His overriding priority was that he spent that time with his Dc, what I did in the background was expected and a given. Even now my blood boils when I think about it.

I was stupid to let that happen more than once but I learned and I stopped. The last party, I arrived an hour before it was due to start and stayed 2 to 3 hours with my DC and then bought them home. To say that my DP was irritated in the extreme at my ‘behaviour’ was an understatement. He was upset that I hadn’t helped him prep the day before, or the morning of and that he had been run ragged all day and was exhausted. I simply responded, yes I know, it’s how I’ve been the last x times you’ve let me do it all. Now maybe you understand.

It wasn’t a particularly nice way to teach a lesson truth me told, but my sympathy levels were zero. The challenge is, whether these ingrained behaviours can be changed. Or if the ingrained expectation of my time with my children takes precedent over all else means that this imbalance will always occur.

And that’s why I think blending becomes so difficult. Because I would love to have the luxury of sitting with my DC every weekend spending quality time with them and having fun. But that simply isn’t realistic in my life. I have to work, and do chores and my Dc pitch in. Because my life doesn’t stop.

The EOW really can cause huge upheaval in family/ relationship dynamics.

My DP isn’t wrong to want to spend quality time with his DC and make their limited time ‘special’ but what happens the rest of the time? That’s the problem.

swing I think it happens through naivety and wanting to be helpful
I think that is honest but you then have to accept some responsibity that it was then taken for granted.

Whrn you have kids and get together with someone, you look for a future partner who will love you and if not love your kids too, enjoy their company and doing things with thrm. If you start by indeed doing things for them, it is easy to assume that it is because you want to do it because you enjoy doing it so. Even if it was suspected that it was done solely for the purpose of being nice and helpful, it could be assumed that the willingness to do would continue. It all contributes to the part about falling in love and wanting commitment.

I think many problems arise because of setting a false sense of happiness and contentment when what it really is is tolerance with prayers that it will get better. Whrn it doesn't, demands start and when not fully responded to, resentment.

This is why I also think commitments and plans happen often much too fast. Being a step parent is very hard and if you are not going to be honest from the start as to what you are prepare to accept and take time to consider if you can build a bond with the kids as they are rather than how they can be moulded, then I think the relationship is always going to suffer.

I think it is very misleading to be 'nice' by doing things that are not intended to be part of set up. It would be like the better off financially couple saying that they are happy to pay more of the joint bills and a year say later that they were naive and just nice but really it's unfair and their partner should find a way to pay 50% and they don't care how they do it.

Another analogy. What if at the start of the relationship, you decided to go on a nice holiday abroad. You've never been, would love to, but can't afford it. Your partner says not to worry, he has the money so can help pay got it. You are over the moon to have met such a carrying man who appreciate your situation and see you and your kids as one.

Next summer, same situation, but he appears a bit less forthcoming at paying more for your kids to join in but does so.

Third year, you bring in the conversation as to where to go this summer and he suddey says that he has enough of being taken for granted that he pays most of the holiday for your kids and that it is time you start paying most of it, and therefore look to take extra hours or cut in other areas to do so. You are surprised at this change of behaviour but when questioned he saudxthstvhexwas just being helpful that first year and assumed that you'd realised and make efforts to save to be able to contribute more towards your kids. He tells you that he will pay 20% towards them and no more because you need to learn a lesson that you can't expect him to be relied on to help more financially.

You feel this has come out of the blue and feel let down that suddenly your children appear to have become a burden to him when what attracted you to him was how he saw you and them as a package. You appreciate his point in principle but you are disappointed with his attitude.

You decide that you font have to go abroad and take your kids camping whilst he goes abroad with his friends. You feel resentful and pissedcoff, he feels that he has a right to sprnd his money as he wishes.