I just find it hard

[midnightgirl]

I mean there's been problems in the past, sd then 13 sent me text messages saying how she hates me, didnt know why but didn't like me or my dd. Her mum was pushing her buttons though, nearly 2 years on and we do seem to get on ok. I remember she tried to cause a lot of trouble and my dp never saw it, it did worry me he couldn't see it.
Last year youngest sd turned 13 she started telling me she hated me too, sending me awful messages, calling me a bitch. My dcs 12 and 15 now were getting upset about all this, I mean my 2 aren't like this with my dp and he pulls them up on things. Things have calmed down we all seem to get on I ignore a lot of things sds do and say.
They are obviously protective over their mum and don't want to feel disloyal to her so they won't accept my help with anything and they obviously are different around their dad than they are me, which I understand but it hurts sometimes but you know I have my own dcs so I concentrate on them.
I've noticed now that even their friends treat me differently to their dad, I'm guessing it's down to loyalty again or what do they say about me. What have I done to deserve this! We have them 50% of the time, I do the school runs, washing cleaning cooking , general taxi service but I don't get anything back but that's the way it is being a step parent isn't it? I've known them for 7 years, their dad and mum had been split for 2 years . We've lived together for 3 years and in some ways I suppose things have improved but I worry my dp doesn't back me up when they rude, he doesn't notice their friends can be off with me and if I ever I mention anything he becomes very defensive and usually ends up in a row so I say nothing, but I don't know if I'm up to this step parenting thing! Anyone else feel like this sometimes?

Safe to say we all have bad days as a step parent, we’d be lying if we said we didn’t! my situation is different yours as my dsd is much younger but I would like to say it sounds like you’re really trying and putting up with a lot doing all you can and it can be so disheartening when you get nothing back or treated this way. Remember they are tennagers and like you said are probably feeling loyal to their mum. I know you said your dp gets defensive but if it’s starting to give you doubts about carrying on you really should talk to him, if he knows how much it’s making you question thinks maybe he will listen. Hope you are ok x

You don't really like them and it seems they don't like you either and go from either showing it to you or tolerate you. Sadly with older children who are suddenly exposed to someone whose views on things are different or even opposed to what they have brought with with both parents, they rarely adapt to a new way of disciplining and become hostile as it feels force on them. Their reaction is inevitably taken as rejection by the SM who grow resentful and without meaning too, shows their resentment on the kids who end up feeling rejected to and its then a vicious circle.

The only way to make it tolerable at this point is by taking a step back. Why are you doing all the chores associated with your ads when you resent doing so and they certainly don't feel thankful for it? You and your OH need to be honest to each other about the situation. Either you accept that it doesn't work or you accept to sperste aspects of your life together and he takes on the role of dad full-time. If wanted them half of the time so he can look after them himself during this time. They are old enough not to need picking up from school and looked after anyway. Give your time and attention to your kids and he can do the same with his. Whe. All have left home, you can give 100% of your attention to each other.

Well I do care about them, as soon as they are upset about something or ill I'm there whether they want me to be or not. I never discipline them I leave that to their dad but I have said something to them if they are rude to me, but that's it really. Tbh it's my dp who sets up any rules but unfortunately he's on to mine if they break them but seems to find it hard to discipline his own which adds to the resentment.

I do need to take a step back. I just feel I'm not up to this step parenting thing. Yes they are old enough to walk home from school, they won't and he expects me to pick them up. Mine however will walk home but if I'm picking his up I might as well pick mine up. 3 different schools too!

What do your own children feel about it now? They must be aware of the undercurrent of tension the house ? And why does your dp pull them up on their poor behaviour but you aren’t allowed to call his children out on theirs?

This absolutely frustrates the life out of me that stepparents feel/are expected to do all the nice bits but are not expected to discipline. Me and my Dp do both together as I never want my children to grow up thinking that they are any different from stepchildren because they are not. If your children have to walk from school why is it any different for dsc
You need to put your foot down hun, do not accept this behaviour because I am sure you and your partner wouldn't from your children

By the way i hope you are ok and you sound like a good stepmum so don't beat yourself up, you need your dp's support and if he doesnt like what he hears then tough because I bet he wouldn't put up with this

You’ve got a husband issue not a child one. He either treats everyone the same as do you, or he gives his kids special treatment and accepts the issues arising. He can’t make you treat them differently unless you continue to be a doormat. Stop going to collect his kids from school. If they won’t walk or make their own way- HE can get them. Be firm and fair and they will respect you in time. But currently your partner doesn’t respect you so they never will either.

I mean recently, my eldest sd who is 14 and is a good kid really but she's 14 and sometimes has too much to say, she was rude to me at the dinner table and was generally being gobby. Her dad did nothing but when she was rude, I said don't be rude to me please. Then she continued with sarcasm and said well I'm sorry for ..... I just said look don't give me attitude. Then dp said that's enough looking at both of us then after dinner pulled us both aside making it into a big thing. If that ever happens the other way around it's done it's said and my dcs except it and we move on. I felt really undermined being pulled aside like that. He should of just said 'dd that's enough don't speak to midnight (me) like that!!! Then move on or am I wrong ?

No you are not wrong he is treating you like a child and I would have had something to say about that to him. She is the child and you had every right to tell her not to be rude to you. Him treating you like this in front of her is unacceptable.
Stop doubting yourself which is what I think you are doing and stop allowing yourself to be treated like this

Shoe on the other foot how would he feel if you did this to him in front of your children?

Well I mean there has been times in the past my dd was rude to him, he told her don't speak to me like that, I turned to her and said yeh u owe him an apology and she did, we moved on and actually since then she hasn't done it again. I don't feel it's equal at all. Another time last year my other sd 13 called me a bitch because I called her down for dinner, she said she wasn't coming cos she was practicing her make up , with an attitude. I said well can you do it after dinner cos it's ready now and we're all eating now and it will go cold. As I left she called me a bitch I stopped to go back but thought no I might loose it so I'll tell dp. He said well I didn't hear her so 🤷‍♀️ my dcs heard her and were really upset, asking me if I was ok. Then when she did appear downstairs, he said nothing ! Again I felt so let down. Things have improved since then so I've just left it but when little things happen it all comes back!

Your partner sounds awful! Please realise you deserve so much more.

The behaviour you are describing is not little things but your partner is obviously making you feel that they are. The pure lack of respect your dp and sc's have for you is disgusting. If they lived with me they would not get away with it. I would not be allowing my children to see them get away with this behaviour either, they are not guests they need to be told the same as you would your children and if your partner doesn't like it then tough shit because he should be stepping up

@pinkcrayon is so right

The thing is he's not awful in other ways, it's just when it comes to his dcs. But it's getting me down

@midnightgirl, he expects you to do all the work but doesnt give you the respect you deserve its exactly the reason his kids treat you the way they do. Because they can.
Being a step mother to kids with a bitter ex partner is so difficult because unfortunately the kids tend to have loyalty to their Mum and will go with what she says. It requires a father who can teach their children that they cannot bring that sort of behaviour into their home with him, and that as an adult that does alot for them you deserve respect. He should support you. He isnt. And he wont.

You say he sets the rules, why? As a partnership rules should be something you both come up with and that everybody together has to follow.
He doesnt get to discipline your kids and you not be able to say anything to his after some pretty awful behaviour.
His kids cant get away with poor behaviour whilst your kids get in trouble, what message does that send to your kids?
The fact that he says he didnt hear her call you a bitch. So he doesnt even give you enough respect as a partner to believe what you say.
Your relationship is demeaning you arent an equal partnership.
Dont teach your own kids that this is how a relationship should be because thats exactly what you are doing by staying there.
Teach your kids that relationships are equal where you both listen and respect each other and are a team.
This is all one sided he sounds truely awful.
Please open your eyes op.

I agree with everything PinkCrayon said.

Your DP doesn’t respect you and this will only get worse.

You and your children deserve so much better.

You might not feel able to leave, but please stop giving them lifts, picking up after them etc.

I don't know what to do, I don't rely on my dp financially but my dcs are happy, Iran's that's not. I'm either going to have to cord the cord so to speak and not do anything for them or leave. I've had so many discussions with dp nothing changes!

You’re entitled to be happy and I’d imagine your children would be just as happy, or actually happier, living with just you without your partner telling them off but letting his kids off everything.

Seeing you being so disrespected can’t be nice for them either if you think about it.

Agree with @HeckyPeck

Op you can do so much better!