Pros and cons of moving in together with kids - any regrets?

[spritesobright]

This is more hypothetical but the context is that I have started seeing someone who also has two kids (his are 9 and 5, mine are 5 and 7). He has his children EOW, I have mine during the week and EOW. Neither of us were expecting anything serious but as time goes on and I love him more and more the complexity of a blended family in the future and dealing with exes, finances, etc. all seems rather daunting.

On the other hand, we both find it very difficult only seeing each other EOW and ultimately, would want to live with a partner.

So I am wondering how others made the decision to move in together with young children involved and what the pros and cons were. Did you ever think it would have been better if you lived separately but integrated other aspects of your life (like dinners and sleepovers and family get togethers)?

Moving in together would be years away for us (only 6 months in), but I am finding it difficult to visualize/see a future with so much to take into account.

I moved in with my partner. I have 2 kids and he has 2 - all the same sex. It was a nightmare!
We live seperately now and it is honestly the best thing for us. We occasionally do things all together, but it doesn't feel forced now and the kids and us are a lot happier for it.

Hi @spritesobright - I don't want to sound negative but I don't think there's too many overly positive blending experiences on here.
What I will say is that from what I've experienced in my own life & from what I've read on here, the most successful blending stories occur when the parent moving on has the support of the other parent.
In my own situation my kids (13, 16 & 22) have blended pretty successfully into their dad's extended family (sm & two toddler aged half siblings) & I honestly think one of the reasons that has happened is because I encourage and support their relationship with their sm & she too is very helpful & polite to me. The kids see there's no conflict between the adults in their lives & this puts them at ease.
On the flipside my dp's exw is very resentful of him moving on & constantly badmouths him & me & my kids to his kids (3 teens). As a result they are very conflicted. They love their dad & want to spend time with him but don't really want me & my kids around so I really stand back. They are used to having me painted in a bad light & also if they mention to their dm I was around it sets her off. They don't dislike me or my kids as people (I don't think) but we are the scapegoats in the middle of their dm's dislike of their df.
As a result despite being together over 4 years we are nowhere even close to being blended & I don't think we ever will be.

Dp technically lives with me but has maintained his own house (which is expensive) so he can see his kids alone eow, holidays etc. They also live in another town which doesn't help but the distance could be manageable if their dm was on board.
Our situation is hard for everyone but most especially dp who feels like he has nowhere that really feels like home. I don't think he & I will ever have a proper home together until all the kids have left school which is a bit depressing & something we are working very hard at getting our heads around.
I also should stress that our kids do meet from time to time & get on fine despite being very different. Maybe they would be closer if they spent more time together or maybe it would make things worse - I don't know.

Oh dear, this is kind of what I feared. It just all seems so difficult. Sloppychops that must have been a tough decision to then move back separately after trying it. I can only imagine the stress you were under to make that decision.
Magda72 I think that's a really good point about the role of the exPs in supporting or discouraging harmony and blending. So I guess it's important to try to maintain a good relationship with exPs... sigh.

The other thing that worries me about it is that my new partner seems to really enjoy the freedom of living on his own (with kids only visiting EOW). And to be honest, living with kids is difficult if highly rewarding. I love my kids but when they refuse their meals, throw tantrums or leave messes it's not particularly 'fun' for me either (they're good kids, I'm just describing their worst traits right now).

I've wondered if one solution would be just living close to each other and visiting lots. I don't know, seems like a minefield.

I think the living close is a great idea and works well for me. I spend lots of time at my house with my children are with me and then when it's just me and OH (without his or my kids) we can spend time at either house.
Plus - you always have somewhere to stomp off home to after an argument...

Sloppychops can I ask how old your children are and what share of custody you have? Thanks.

We decided not to blend very early on

We’ve had 6 years together but living apart and can see a time now where we will live together as the dcs are all mid to late teens now.

I don’t have any regrets about not blending, indeed think it would have been awful for everyone

There are times I miss the ‘coming home to someone’ every night, get stressed being fully responsible for a household etc. but we still love each other intensely and I really do think it was best for the dcs.

I have been with my DP for over 3 years and we are still living separately for a few reasons.

1. whilst I have an uber amicable relationship with my ex, my DP does not with his ex and as Magda says, the level of complications this brings in is actually heartbreaking. And has huge ramifications how smoothly these situations progress.
2. Introducing not only a new partner but their children to existing children can be intensely challenging. Differing likes/ dislikes/ jealousy/ competition...can all rear their head. For this not to become a problem, your DP and you have to be on the same page Re parenting styles, discipline and be the strongest team. The most common problems seen on these boards is when one parent has their children more often than EOW and when another has theirs EOW. One parent then does what we would call ‘standard parenting’. The other parent can be more laid back, do more ‘spoiling’ aka the Disney parent. That can cause a lot of arguments between the parents. But also a lot of resentment from the resident children who start to see a dual system of rules operate. So sometimes the easier thing is to keep the families separate, unless you and your partner can really work through parenting styles.
3. I would say that I’m still open to living with my DP, but we have now had substantial time with each other’s DC and worked through (and continue to work through) challenges. This is not something that can be rushed and honestly the biggest mistake I think adults in these situations is to make the decision and expect the kids to get along with it. It’s far more complicated than that.
4. what you do have on your side however is that the children are younger. Studies show that younger children adapt to these situations better.

In summary I would say take your time. In the interim can you not afford a babysitter once a fortnight to free up more time for dating? I mean if all you have is EOW over 6 months, that’s 12 weekends. You’re still massively in a bubble/ honeymoon phase. I remember that time fondly. But it’s not any place where you can make a decision about living together IMO (but I can understand thinking about it).

We took the decision to introduce the children to one another (initially) a year in. We arranged time where the other was free to spend time with the DC without their own children present.

And then we introduced all the children further down the line. It’s not been easy at all, but we’re making progress.

Have the big conversations, about parenting styles. About Disney parenting. About discipline. About how you would handle disagreements between the children. How would you ensure they’re treated equally whilst respecting that one set of children do only see their dad once a fortnight.

Don’t underestimate just how hard this ‘blending’ lark actually is.

Oh and I agree with mooncup. It is very stressful and expensive to run two separate households. Occasionally we have looked at the financial angle but when push comes to shove, unless that becomes more problematic, I can’t take this step because it could save me money.
I want a happy, peaceful home. That remains my priority, for now. If we ever get to stage where we think it’s in the best interests of the kids (and financial is an element of that), then we’ll reevaluate

Thanks Stealthmode and Mooncup, that's helpful. As I say? We haven't even met each other's children so I guess we will see how they get on.
We have talked about our parenting styles and I think I am a bit more laissez faire/attachment parenting and he is stricter. But we're also adapting to both being separated so that's changing slightly.
I do get to see him sometimes on kid weekends with a babysitter but not for overnights, which is a bit different.
I really am getting ahead of myself I know. There have been some big changes in my life recently and it's tempting to want to know what the future might hold but we are both trying to take it one step at a time.

You have a long road ahead of you if you want to do this properly. Even the initial introduction can go smoothly, most kids are open and unguarded when it comes to meeting mummy or daddy’s friend for a few hours here and there.

When they realise you’re there to stay however and they need to make that adjustment to being a more permanent fixture, that is a whole other step of children adjusting to another adult. Not so much being in their lives but this adult in relation to their parent. And this is where a hostile ex can cause issues. Because it should never be set up to be a competition but it can become one. And as the adult facing this, it takes a LOT of emotional capacity to be the adult in this situation and consistently (possibly over years) rise above it.

I don’t live with my DO, but even in a non blended situation I can categorically tell you that being in a relationship with children on each side is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to manage. But taking our time and doing what is best all the children has been the right way to do it.

I understand your comment about wanting to know the future. I have times like that. But you may need to let that go as we may have our own goals and dreams and our children may actually need something very different.

Striking that balance is incredibly hard.

I think you're very wise to be asking yourself these questions now. Blending families requires a mixture of personal boundaries & flexibility which is quite frankly, exhausting.
I would also say that what I naively didn't factor in is that when you are with a person who is also the nrp you don't just get them - you get the ex as well, both directly & via the kids.
My dp doesn't have to deal with my exh at all bar the odd occasion to do with the kids. And, as I'm the rp my kids are parented my way so to speak - so the values dp admires in me he sees reflected in my kids. As a result there's very little clashing.
However dp's kids are parented very differently by their dm & also differently to how dp parents them. Dp isn't a Disney Dad but he does choose his battles, as like pp's have said, he doesn't want to spend all his time with them nagging or arguing. The result of this is that his kids' beliefs & values are reflective of their dm & not so much of dp, & as his exw's parenting is not similar to either mine or his, a basic clash has been set up right off the blocks.
The boundary issue also comes into play. As a dm I have worked really hard to stand back from my exh's parenting & respect his house, his rules (though it being my exh it's more his dw's house, dw's rules lol). Dp's exw does not do similar & there is constant intrusion on dp's time. Again, I have worked very hard to stand back from it but it really affects dp & he has aged significantly since we met. He is getting better at maintaining his boundaries but has had to go to counseling for this.
I think when you're in a relationship with someone with kids - particularly an nrp - you really have to look at the whole set up (if possible) before you choose to move on. And by set up I mean the kids relationship with both parents, the parents' boundaries (or lack thereof) with each other & both parents' parenting & value systems.
I knew many divorce people but only one person who had blended before I got with dp, so despite being in my 40's I had virtually no experience of this type of set up & I honestly thought that because my exh & I had successfully moved on from the detritus of our divorce for the sake of our kids (despite him leaving for the ow & flaking out for a few years), that everyone managed these situations with care & respect. I could not have been more wrong.
Enjoy your relationship but keep asking yourself these questions & when you do meet the kids & possibly the ex, examine the whole set up & keep asking yourself are you comfortable with behaviours & boundaries (everyone's inc. your dp's), can you live with these behaviours & boundaries, how do dp's first family's interpersonal relationships sit with you & what impact would they have on your life & that of your own dc?
Don't like the term first family but can't think of another way to phrase it so no one jump on me .

And everything @stealthmode has just written also.

@magda72 I could have written your post. It’s awful when the ex paints you in a bad light when you’ve done nothing wrong. I get called nasty names and it really gets me down.

Interesting thread. DP and I have been together three years, we each have teens. Relationships with ex-partners are all amicable and smooth. But as time has gone on I have realised how incredibly complex it all is in terms of everyone’s relationships with everyone else.

When I was in the bubble of not knowing his dc I assumed things would be do-able if we just we calm about it but I have had to face up to difficult feelings around his dc and the way DP parents/avoids stuff and be honest about how it represents my own defenses and feelings. As my relationship with DP has grown in trust I have also been able to understand his whole situation and his dc a bit more. All the dc have differing needs in relationship to stability and moving forward. They all get on (on the basis of occasional meets) see each other now and then, we might all go on holiday later this year if we get brave. But we have gone really slowly. We are inching forward and think we are reaping the rewards of not forcing anything on anyone, relationships have developed at their own pace. If the planets align in the next two years (once the kids are all older than 16, if it seems appropriate) we might start the ball rolling. Still a very daunting prospect though.

In your case I think it’s good all the dc are similar in age as you can relate to where each is at, as a parent, in terms of ages and stages. I have found that’s really helped us support each other in our parenting

It’s stressful and expensive maintaining two houses but peaceful homes and settled dc are the priority.

I've been with my partner two years and we are no where near being blended. We both have kids, but we have them on different weekends which means zero alone time. It's hard work. I don't see us moving in together for a very long time, if at all. We parent very differently, and the 'Disney Dad' thing does get on my nerves. The difference between our children with things like manners is quite apparent. Will it work out? Who knows! It's challenging. My main priority is that my kids are happy and settled though x

The biggest mistake we make is assuming that somehow love will triumph over everything however had it is to move with someone when kids are involved. Love definitely doesn't make everything OK.

Too many people with children move in together assuming that any differences will be iron out together, calmly, reasonably, as adults do. Again, it doesn't work like that because our sense of protection over our kids takes over and everything because very emotional.

There are already warning bells in your situation in that you say you appear to be at a different stage of what you consider appropriate disciplining and that alone can kill even the strongest loving couples. The only way to move forward is to be 100% honest from the start when you meet each others kids. Talk about how you would deal differently in situations you face and why. If through these discussions you realise that you really don't agree with how the situation was dealt by the other person and neither would want to compromise or do things differently, it isn't going to work. You then have to decide whether you stay together but living seperatly or whether you decide that love is not enough to make you both happy.

If you are going to attempt it, it might be best to do it gradually? Perhaps your DP could temporarily move in with you during the week only? Then your kids are only dealing with one new person living with them rather than three, and they get a break from him at the weekends. And you say your DP likes his child free weekdays so he might decide that it doesn't work for him after all. However if it does work for you all, you could consider talking the next step.

All really interesting points, thank you.
I certainly learned from my first marriage that love isn't always enough and relationships take work and evolve and kids are stressful.
We are trying to just appreciate the time we have now, on our own EOW and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

Myself and partner moved In very quickly, he has a child from previous relationship, we have been together 3 years and have 2 children under 2. We all have an amazing relationship and it works really well.

Do what feels right and good luck X

This is my first post on here, I'm 9 months in to living as a blended family and started to look at this board as it's really hard work, that said for us it is working and working really well. I find it really rewarding. We both have 2 children of similar ages, (his 4 and 8, mine 6 and 8) and we both have roughly 50% time with our kids. We have the kids the same EOW, so get a weekend to recover, his children get a night with us without mine and mine get 2 nights with us without his. That balance works really well.

We started slowly, introduced us to the kids first, then once they were comfortable with another adult around then we would stay at each others houses on the night they had kids. We then introduced kids, at first for part days, then once that was working, sleepovers. We were lucky the kids got on and asked to see each other so in the end we were driven by them.

We communicated a lot with the kids, made sure and still make sure they have time with just their parent so they can talk if needed. The big thing is communicating with each other. We talked loads about our parenting, making sure we treated all the kids fairly and that meant both of us had to change some things we did to get a consistent approach. Things went wrong, we both got upset at times, we argued, but each argument we talked through and learn from. That sounds a lot easier than it has been, it's been really tough at times, we've both had to open up to being challenged and have our parenting challenged but it's worth it and the kids have really benefited.

We're also dealing with a manipulative ex so we expect some tough times still to come, at the moment the kids don't notice it but I suspect they will.

If you're going to do it, I'd recommend very slowly, expect arguments and learn how to argue constructively (or at least come to that point once the emotion has worn off).

There's lots of negative stories here but I know people who have made it really work well but the key is to go slowly and for the kids to get used to the idea of the other kids being in their lives. Years not months before the move and those who I know have succeeded in integrating have either supportive ex's or the ex isn't in the picture at all

If you can develop relaxed and friendly relationships with all the kids, work as team on parenting and finances, keep your relationship as the top of the pyramid and have each other's backs, bat away any BS from the exes and not get roped into any drama, stay calm and stick together, you'll be fine then all you have to worry about is who sleeps where and fielding double the kids bickering and future teen sulking

Moving in with my DP has been a massive regret for me. I have one DC full time, and he has two pre-teen DC at weekends.

Even though it was planned and we had all spent lots of time together, I did not anticipate the difficulties that have been caused by the totally different boundaries, expectations, rules and parenting styles. I underestimated how much disruption his XP could cause to my everyday life. I didn't realise that his DC would be rude and sulky with me every week and refuse to do anything I ask (like their homework, or putting their dirty plates in the sink) and mean to my much younger DS and never get told off. I didn't know that my DP would treat his DC like vip guests and make everything about their wants and needs and that my DC would be treated completely differently. I didn't see that DP having freedom to do whatever he wants all week would cause such resentment as I have my DC every day, and I thought he would participate in family life more.

Anyway, it hasn't been great and I'm currently viewing houses.

ralph so sad to read that. You’re not alone. Pop across to the male/ female thread. It’s exactly the same (well for me anyways). Life for my DP continues with no responsibility when his DC aren’t with him. But suddenly when they are, I should be ‘doing more’.

I’m not. Just in case you’re wondering

Well this thread certainly hasn't put me in any rush to go and move in together! but it's given me lots to think about.

Toomuchbabytv do you have 3 kids total then? Under 2s are hard work but I guess at the same time they are less likely to get jealous of the new partner or have the same emotional issues as an older child.

Family4fun the thought of dealing with 4 kids does seem like a handful but it's good to hear about a realistic does of challenges and rewards.
Ralph I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds really difficult. I think the point about responsibility is really key. I would find that hard to see DP having so much freedom while I am doing the single parent thing.

DP and I already have a discrepancy where he has a lot more freedom since he has his kids EOW and is renting so he can afford to spend the whole weekend with me and not get behind. Whereas I am finding that if I spend a no kids weekend with him I come home and have to mow the lawn, sort out DIY, get the kids' school stuff ready, etc. So next weekend he's going to come round with his tool bag and give me a hand with stuff.

I actually think my best strategy now is to get my children's father to have them more (we're currently negotiating custody), so that I can have a bit of a break.
Life was hard enough trying to negotiate childcare/admin/finances in a non-step family. BUT it's still better not having to walk on eggshells around my grumpy and critical STBXH.