Step Parent advice - Family Group Conference

[Dvh149]

Hello,
I have been asked to take part in a family group conference with my partners and his ex partner and several members of extended family members regarding my partners 3 year old daughter. We are at the end of care proceedings and they are going to make a decision about where his daughter lives full time. It is looking like she will go back to her mother full time (currently living with her grandparents) and my partner will have visitation at our home every other weekend. The conference is to discuss what support we can all offer to his daughter and her mother to enable her to have her back full time. I haven't met my partners daughter yet, cut a long story short he has only recently gained access to see his daughter again and whilst he is re-building his relationship with her and her mum is having supervised visits it was deemed best for me to not be involved at the moment. I have a meeting tomorrow with the group conference organiser on my own to discuss whether or not I would like to attend the meeting and what I can offer in terms of emotional and practical support for his daughter. I have already said im not sure I should attend the meeting as it is probably going to very tense anyways (lots of people going haven't seen each other for a long time or dont really see eye to eye) The conference worker suggested they feel it is important that my voice is heard as we are getting married in a few months and i will become her step mum. I dont have any children of my own and would welcome some advise on what I should say...I dont want to make her mother feel like I am trying to get involved when I havent even met her yet but do want to get across that I want to be able to provide whatever support I can.

Why hasn't he had access to his dd? When was the last time he saw her?

Do you want to be there?

You can support your partner and his daughter in good time without being at the meeting

Does your partner want you there?

The relationship broke down when his dd was 3 months old and his ex stopped access, he tried lots of times to gain access and was about to take it through court middle of last year when social services contacted him to tell him that she was no longer in the care of her mother and her grandparents were here carers for the moment. He has been having supervised visits with her for the last 3 months (first at a contact centre and then out on the community) She is calling him Dad now and they have said wont be long before he can have her at out home for periods of time, slowly building up to overnight stays. I dont feel like I have a right to be there really.... also I think it could probably cause issues if I go as the ex isnt exactly a very stable person and still sees me as the reason that she isnt with my partner anymore. My partner said he is happy if I come but understands if I dont want to. The lasy I am meeting tomorrow has put the options out there of her being my voice at the meeting and wants me to put forward the practical and emotional support I can provide.

The lasy I am meeting tomorrow has put the options out there of her being my voice at the meeting and wants me to put forward the practical and emotional support I can provide.

I’d take this option I think.

I hope it all works out & the ex is less volatile from now on,

I think you are tight not to go to the meeting. You can ask the lady to convey your feelings on your behalf. But be clear on the level of commitment you are prepared to give. Don't be bullied into anything, nor sidelined if you don't want to be.
Think about whether you will be at home when the child visits? Whether she will be I involved in your wedding. What you'd like her to call you. Whether you envisage looking after her on your own at any time on the future? Eg during school hols if you have your own DC and DP is at work. What you think about overnights, Christmas, holiday time etc.

Thank you everyone for the comments :) Has really helped ...thought I might look like I dont care if I dont go, but like I am getting involved too early if I do choose to go. Think the happy medium if I ask the organiser to speak on my behalf.

I would go. If you’re marrying this man and this little girl is about to become your step daughter, then she is going to be a very real and permanent part of your life. By virtue of that, the ex will also be a part of your life.

This meeting has been arranged in a child centred way and it could be that you don’t speak up if you don’t feel it appropriate but at least you will be able to listen and understand more about what’s happening and the dynamic between everyone.

I’m quite shocked that you’re about to get married and saying you don’t want to go. This commitment you’re making to this man is also (by virtue of his daughter) a commitment to her wider family. Do you appreciate that if the mother isn’t able to adequately care for her child, that it’s quite possible that you/ your husband could end up (at some point) caring for her.

You should go into this marriage with your eyes wide open and for that reason alone I would absolutely attend

I would go; I work in that area and I think it would be seen as a positive within the care proceedings that you want to be involved and support your partner and his DD. If his ex kicked off it would tell them a lot about how she is and whether she can remain civil with you and your DP if her DD comes back into her care

Yes we have already been assessed so that is anything happens once she is returned to her mother's care then she will be allowed to come straight to us. I do understand what you are saying and it isn't that I don't want to go but I feel that I may be adding more tension in an already tense situation. Unfortunately not every one going to the meeting is child focused and my partners ex will use any excuse for an argument. This will be the first time that I meet her face to face also so I feel it could be that we start our relationship off on the wrong foot

Think to a bad idea to all be in the same room together initially. Your comment regarding the ex blaming you for them separating is going to create tension when you’re face to face, especially if it’s true, ie you being OW. Surely it can be organised so that your dp and ex can be the only ones initially discussing the situation and how to progress, with maybe you entering the meeting later on to clarify and discuss your role. Otherwise I think the discussion is going to be derailed pretty early on.