Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Step Daughters 10th Birthday Party.

24 replies

Helena112 · 19/03/2019 10:17

Hello everyone!

I’m looking for some advice, should I attend my SD 10th birthday party or not...

I’ve known my SD since she was 4, she spends 50% of her time with me and her dad. We get on well. But I’ve only ever met her mum twice when dropping my SD at her mums house, her mum has never shown an interest In meeting me.. and that her choice.

Her mum had arranged for my SD and 5 friends to paint some pottery for her birthday. She was going to take them and that was fine.. we were going to pay for half the cost. she then said she couldn’t as she was working.. and my partner and I were going to take them. But now it’s become apparent that she is going to attend the second half of the party as she can finish work early...

With there only being 6 kids.. and them only painting a pot should I really attend? Or should I just take a step back and leave them to it? Chances are my partners parents will also attend. So there could be 5 adults watching over them?

My partner has been really dismissive and said it’s up to me! As long as I go with his family afterwards for cake at his mums... (when his ex won’t be there) but it will be all or nothing. I’m not going to join in later for cake...

What are you’re thoughts on this? Would you go? Or would you stay away?

Thank you 💖

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BobLemon · 19/03/2019 10:36

Go. When are you going to stop avoiding the ExW? Your SD’s wedding? A facetious comment I know.... but it’s also kinda a valid point.

I’m surprised you’ve managed 6 years of 50/50 childcare without meeting her more often.

What do you want your SD to see? Sensible adults co-parenting, or thinking it’s normal that DM/SDM should be kept separate?

PinkCrayon · 19/03/2019 10:39

Cant see why you shouldn't. Just go along.

sue51 · 19/03/2019 10:41

I would be inclined to go but I would get DH to first tell the ex I would be there.

Original poster

Helena112 · 19/03/2019 10:47

Thank you.

I know it's crazy how we've hardly met. She just has no interesting in meeting me and I've never pushed for it.. I'd of thought she would of made the effort by now. But then again neither have I !

OP posts:

glitterdayz · 19/03/2019 11:25

My exh is dating someone I went to school with, didn't really talk to at school. I haven't made any effort to talk to her now and I have only seen her a few times, first time was when she was first meeting the dc and she was standing outside the car kissing my exh and I didn't feel the need to start talking then, the second time I was collecting my dc from a supermarket, exh ran out to bring dc to the car and she walked out cross face a minute afterwards, I smile but nothing. That's my effort.
To be honest my exh wouldn't want us to talk, he's private plus if we get along or don't it doesn't change a thing.
Me and exh have been separated for 10 plus, and get alone well, if I was having my dc bday and they were happy for her to come, then I would be fine with it too, I'm just not going to be her bestie but I'll be polite.
Don't over think it, I think my exh gf may think there's a issue or she just has a grumpy face.

Magda72 · 19/03/2019 11:25

@Helena112 - I've been with dp for over 4 years & his exw refuses to meet me. She won't even come to the front door if I'm in the car with dp & I'm not allowed go to anything that she's attending - fair enough - but I made an effort with my exh's gf (now dw) from the get go as she was going to be spending time with my kids.
Given how long you've been in your dsd's life I think you should go if you want to, but as a pp said let your dp tell her you'll be there. How she chooses to react to that is then her business.

NWQM · 19/03/2019 11:30

Why would it be all or nothing?

Are you doing anything with your step daughter to celebrate her birthday differently?

Personally I'd go. I agree with posters who have suggested that your DP lets his ex know to be polite but otherwise you are as much a part of your SD life as anyone.

BlueMerchant · 19/03/2019 11:34

I'd go. Although it's a bit much having loads of adults there to watch.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/03/2019 11:37

I don't think it's weird that dsd's mum hasn't met you very often. After all this time she knows you treat her child well and are a good step parent and that's probably as much as she cares about. She doesn't need to get to know you.
Personally I'd skip the party and go for cake at the ILs after. She has both of her parents and grandparents there already. If I could duck watching kids paint plates, I would 😉

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 19/03/2019 11:42

You're a part of her life so go, but maybe when mum turns up take a step back and let the parents lead.

youngestisapsycho · 19/03/2019 12:34

Why cant you go for the cake later... why is it all or nothing?

HeckyPeck · 19/03/2019 12:54

It sounds like you wanted to go at first so I wouldn’t let the fact that she’s going put you off.

Can the adults not paint stuff as well rather than hanging about watching?

Or is there a space to sit and chat have tea etc?

babysharkah · 19/03/2019 15:12

Go. Let the mum lead but you're still a part of her life.

Original poster

Helena112 · 19/03/2019 16:24

Thank you all for your advice I really appreciate it. I'm still not sure I can't stand the awkwardness. We have recently suffered a late miscarriage and to some extent she's the last person I want to see (for selfish reasons I can't stand the thought of her saying I'm sorry for your loss) I might ask if I can also paint a pot! Gives me something to do rather than just watch and chat!!

OP posts:

Brakebackcyclebot · 19/03/2019 16:29

Is there animosity between you or is it just that you haven't met?

If It's the latter I'd go, & I'd paint a pot. You might actually find you like her?

Original poster

Helena112 · 19/03/2019 16:37

We've only ever met twice in passing. Never spoken just smiled and said hello.

OP posts:

TheMightyToosh · 19/03/2019 16:46

I say if you want to go, go. Don't let her being there be a reason not to.

Agree for your DH to let her know as a courtesy, but to be fair, unless I've read it wrong, she organised the party and then passed the buck to the child's dad, instead of making sure she could cover it herself and not be at work. So if she doesn't like the fact that you're there, she doesn't really have a leg to stand on.

Brakebackcyclebot · 19/03/2019 17:06

Go then. It doesn't sound like she has any issue with you. She may be expecting you to be there.

It is possible to get on with your DP's ex. One of my closest friends is my ex-DP's ex-wife. Don't assume there has to be any tension. Just go and talk to her like you would anybody else. She's just another human being ☺

glitterdayz · 19/03/2019 17:11

People always say the dc comes first and that right up to a point, if she would like you there, then that give you the option to say Yes or No.
if you say yes the plan what will make you feel comfortable, remember life is full of awkward moments,

I thought meeting my dp's parents was going to be terrible ( I'm a very social person unless it's important, I'll talk to anyone) but it was so good and I was very comfortable. It was actually the other way round my dp couldn't wait to meet my family and the first thing my Nan said was ' so you knocked up my gc' and he wondered why I left them meeting for so long!

Or you don't go but think are you going to regret or resent the fact you didn't?...

daftgeranium · 19/03/2019 18:37

If you don't feel comfortable, don't go, and do something else for your step-daughter's party. The parents should step up here. And your partner should have a bit of empathy for your recent sad loss.

Livelovebehappy · 22/03/2019 20:12

I would say have your DH run it by the DM first to make sure she’s okay with it. If she doesn’t want you there then I would step back, what’s the point of upsetting your dsd’s birthday celebrations due to there being awkwardness between the adults there? This isn’t about your feelings, but about your dsd having a lovely relaxed day.

Petalflowers · 22/03/2019 20:16

I’d say go. If she is there, it would be a good opportunity to meet. Also good for step -d to see you both getting on (hopefully).

SandyY2K · 22/03/2019 23:36

It sounds like you don't feel comfortable going and ss your DH is being dismissive, then you don't need to go.

They're are enough adults to oversee them.

I don't understand why you wouldn't join in for the cake later though.

Original poster

Helena112 · 23/03/2019 08:19

Thank you all for your help and suggestions :) I decided I didn't feel
100% happy going as DH was being very dismissive...he since disagrees! We celebrated my DSD birthday yesterday evening at my parents house we had a tea party, cake and gifts. And I'm going to visit my sister who lives an hour away today and just leave them all to it! So hard being a step parent at times!

OP posts:

Flip