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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do you deal with the biological mum

56 replies

Jessie20 · 13/03/2019 11:08

So I have been a step parent for the last 5 years had ups and downs with the biological mum, only brown my fuse twice one of which was this week!
Anyway, myself and my husband booked a family holiday along with our son together to beautiful Cornwall and his daughter with previous partner. We told the mum months ago the date, told the daughter then last week the mum decided as social services are on her case for another reason with her other children that now the daughter wasn’t allowed to come. With that we also told her she needed to sort a passport out as we were booking a holiday abroad, this was mentioned time and time and time again. Think she thought my husband was chatting shit! So we booked it, within 10minutes she kicked up a massive fuss! The abuse we received you would be shocked, Bringing our son into the argument too! Now it’s her fault she has not got her daughter a passport does she expect us to put our life on hold!
I’ve also got on with her for the sake of the daughter but from this I just don’t know how we can go forward as she doesn’t have one nice bone in her body! Awful woman and twisting her daughters mind too!

OP posts:

icannotremember · 13/03/2019 12:39

Why hasn't your DH applied for PR yet?

sue51 · 13/03/2019 12:39

He has years to get himself parental rights . Its not difficult.

ColeHawlins · 13/03/2019 12:40

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10IAR · 13/03/2019 12:41

You are able to take a step back, you're choosing not to.

DSDs mum said she couldn't care less if my DD died from a coldsore at 2 weeks old. I wanted to punch her teeth out.

Instead I said nothing, and took DD to stay with my parents until DSDs coldsore was gone.

In fact many times over the years DSDs mum has made horrid comments about my kids, but then I couldn't give a shiny shite about anything she has to say, so I don't rise to it.

You are choosing to get involved, and your DH is choosing not to be actively seeking parental responsibility.

Both of you need to change your ideas.

Original poster

Jessie20 · 13/03/2019 12:47

A lot of people are right about you guys on here you just dig at comments... all I wanted was a bit of advice but it’s continuous comments on biological mum or stay the fuck out it’s ridiculous

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 13/03/2019 12:48

Him not being on the BC changes things. It's irresponsible, if you want to be an involved parent, to not sort these things legally. Your dad is entitled to a legally and financially accountable father. Barring situations where the father is abusive or likely to abduct a child, it the child's right to have him named on her bc and to have proper contact arrangements drawn up. So my advice is to get on with that. I trust he pays child support?

10IAR · 13/03/2019 12:51

Jessie20 seriously? Point to where I said that please?

I told you that you have a choice to get involved or not, because you do. Because I've been a step mum for longer than you have, and because life experience taught me it's not worth rising to bait.

Your DH does have the means to change the situation but hasn't bothered.

What did you want? For everyone to say she's a vile bitch and she's ruining everything? That's she's evil?

Or to tell you the truth that there are steps you can both take to negate the control and arguments?

ColeHawlins · 13/03/2019 12:56

A lot of people are right about you guys on here you just dig at comments... all I wanted was a bit of advice but it’s continuous comments on biological mum or stay the fuck out it’s ridiculous

But it does actually help if you can stay calm, detach a bit and let your OH do what need ma doing.

Getting stressed about things you can't control, getting over involved and thinking of his ex in disparaging terms all make it worse for you.

CardiganB · 13/03/2019 13:00

what does 'to throw light at' mean? is it the opposite of throwing shade? (serious question)

ABitPeteTong · 13/03/2019 13:09

So it sounds like the mum is acting upon advice from social services. She'd be irresponsible to ignore that advice, don't you think?

And given that she's not happy to have your dsd go on a UK holiday with you, what made you think that booking a holiday abroad and expecting get to get the passport would work?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 13/03/2019 13:26

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fruitbrewhaha · 13/03/2019 13:40

OP, your DP's ex is not sounding great, but you cant get involved in the arguments between them. It's not your place and who cares if she is trying to bring you into it, just don't dignify it with a response. Think about it, it will drive her crazy if you just shrug your shoulders and walk off.

All you need to do is be a good step parent, make your home welcoming to your DSD, include her in your family.

Your DP has to sort the rest.

Hollowvictory · 13/03/2019 13:44

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MouseRatFan · 13/03/2019 13:44

Poor kid. Stuck in the middle of this drama!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/03/2019 13:47

partner can’t do anything he was never put on the bird he certifcate

The child is at least 5! How has he not sorted the birth certificate by this point??

SusanWalker · 13/03/2019 13:52

My ex and his new partner have said some horrible things about me. I have never said anything back. I have walked away every time. The only time I have brought it up is when they have said them to or in front of the children. And then I have said nothing more than for them not to talk to me in that way.

Because the only people that matter are the children. If they say something hurtful to me then I will suck it up because an argument will only hurt my kids.

Was it on SS advice that she has cancelled the holiday?

Foxmuffin · 13/03/2019 14:08

The terminology used to describe your step child’s Mother really is irrelevant to the issue at hand. I get that you were trying to be descriptive.

Really annoying that the Mum agreed to let her daughter go on holiday and is now resisting it.

You’ve not said but presumably your husband is intending on covenring the cost of the passport? I agree that this seems fair but understand you can’t do this by yourself.

I also agree to let your husband deal with his ex.

Would trying to gain parental responsibility just be another can of worms? It doesn’t seem to me this is the real issue here and the issue of not being able to apply for a passport is pretty isolated.

Chezza83 · 13/03/2019 14:16

Advice/help needed please. My partners Ex is constantly on my step children's cases about them moving in with him, all three (10, 12 & 14) have basically said they want to stay with us but are scared to tell him this as he has quite a volatile temper. Because of this, our 14 year old has said he would rather consider moving than tell his dad no. The Ex has moved on and currently lives in a 3 bed house with his new partner & her 3 children & they have another baby due early next month. I'm sure I read somewhere that it would be a requirement that my stepson would need to have his own room if he was to move in with him. Does anyone have any advice/expertise in this area? Thanks in advance.

Chezza83 · 13/03/2019 14:24

Sorry, new to this - just realised I've posted on someone else's feed x

SandyY2K · 13/03/2019 19:34

Too many people get their knickers in a twist over the wording 'biological mother'.

Focus on the issue at hand, especially when you know what the OP means. I am my DCs mother. I am also their biological mother. I'll never get offended by being called their biological mother.

OP.. with someone as unreliable as the Ex.. your DH should have filled in the passport form and left the money for her to send it off.

She's clearly got a lot going on with SS on her case. I also think he should get his name on the BC now.

It's quite unfair for mothers to expect maintenance and support, but not want the father to have legal parental responsibility.

Maybe she's never applied for a passport before.

IvanaPee · 13/03/2019 19:37

You’ve had a change of heart then about not wanting her to come on your family holiday?

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/03/2019 19:43

Does your husband understand that he can apply legally for parental responsibility? He can force a dna test through the courts if she denies paternity. Then once the results are through he can be given PR and have the ability to get passports and so on. If you do take the child on holiday abroad, neither of you have PR and you may be questioned about the child's relationship to you both, particularly if the child has a different surname to his dad.

It is your husband's responsibility that he has not yet got PR and cannot sort out a passport. None of that is the mother's responsibility to sort out for you.

Soontobe60 · 13/03/2019 19:54

If my DDs father's second wife had told me to sort her passport out so they could take her abroad I would probably have told her to fuck right off.
In fact, once when she tried to tell me how to be a parent, I recall that's exactly what I did tell her.

Shakirasma · 13/03/2019 20:05

So your DH is not on the birth certificate, he hasn't applied to court for parental responsibility, yet he wants the girl's mother to apply for her passport, hand it over to him and allow him to take her out of the country? If I was his ex I'd tell him to jog on too!

He has had years to apply for parental responsibility. Why hasnt he bothered?

smallereveryday · 13/03/2019 20:32

Jessie20 This is a very anti step mother forum. Any chance to pick holes in your post will be jumped on. The term biological mother for example. Most sane people understand the terminology in the context you wrote it. It was obviously to differentiate between your dsd mother and yourself as Step mother but those who pick this as the issue to post about are either professionally offended or idiots with an agenda.

So, advice. Which is what you asked for.
Firstly without PR your DH will be FOREVER begging the mother for 'favours' . Without PR she holds ALL of the power to make decisions. He needs to get PR.
No doubt he is worried about expense to do this. He really shouldn't worry.
What he needs to do.

Complete a form C1 from HMCTS website. (Basic information which you will both know. Copy it 3 times.

2 . Complete form 'help with fees (exemption from fees) . The amount of money you have coming in and going out. The amounts are quite generous. Unless he is on quite a high salary you will qualify for a reduction of the £215 fee or all of it.

Send or take the application to your nearest family or combined court.
They will send you a date for the hearing.
He can get his contact written in to a child arrangements order. He can also complete form c100 at the same time 'specific issues' and get permission from the court to take his daughter on holiday.

This will take a month or so sometimes 6 weeks. It may be too late for this holiday but once done - it's done and he will never again have to be at his daughters mothers neck and call as will have rights awarded him by the court.

Do it. It just takes all the power and game playing away but beware - I am writing this based entirely on fave value. You are anonymous as is he. I am presuming he is a good kind parent who put his daughters welfare first. If however he is an alcoholic, selfish abusive drug taking arsehole then the court application will not be straightforward. The family courts look where possible to allow a child the chance of a good relationship with their non resident parent. They will not risk the child's welfare in order to do this . So I am assuming he is a good parent.

He needs to do this. It's an effort but quite frankly not bothering to fill in a few forms is negligent parenting.

Once he has PR and permission from the court he can get a passport for her himself.

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