Not a step parent, but slight DP DD problems

[frenchonion]

DP and I only been together 2 years ish. Our DC so far get on pretty well (we meet up all together maybe once a fortnight, sometimes more sometimes less) but see each others DC on our own more frequently, say 1-3 times per week. I thought I was making super progress with DP's eldest (13) especially, as she's quite affectionate and relaxed with me now. She'll curl up on the sofa and is cheeky in a funny nice way with me. I've always been careful not to parent in any way, give them time alone with their dad so as not to infringe etc. and followed their lead with me. I get her the occasional treat and my main aim is just to be daddy's girlfriend who is nice to me type thing. So so far all been great. 'DSD' (for ease of typing) is prone to occasional sulkiness but I seems pretty typical teenage behaviour (and my slightly younger DD can be sulky too so I get it). She's a sensitive soul, really genuinely lovely kid. Recently DSD and my DD kind of had a falling out, not an argument as such but DSD got annoyed by something my DD did. DD didn't actually do anything, she didn't want to join in on something that was important to DSD, which in fairness to DD would have caused her stress, plus she's a bit younger so couldn't articulate it very well. In absolute fairness to DSD, she tried to make the task more inclusive, but was still a no from DD, which meant DSD couldn't do the thing she wanted to do. Cue tears all round. My DD is really cut up about it (she wanted to join in but got stressed and shut down) and DSD is pretty angry. But now DSD is being REALLY frosty with me. I've only seen her once very briefly since the incident and she just glared at me, pretty much stormed off, and is still really furious about the DD not joining in thing. Im at a loss. What can I do to fix this? Or should I just do nothing and let it blow over? Should I carry on as normal or back off for a while? I'm dreading the next group meetup with the DC too, so I think I'll delay that for a while. I can deal with my DD no problem, and she wasn't really in the wrong so I know I'll be able to work through it and she'll be okay, but DSD is still an unknown quantity to me, if that makes any sense? I'm so not equipped to deal with this. I'm probably being completely over dramatic about it and I know seasoned step parents would probably laugh at the triviality of it compered to further down the line stuff, but I'm feeling quite down about it as it caught me so off guard, I didn't even consider that it would be an issue. I'm such a super low conflict type personality and quite sensitive to personal relationship problems, and my DD is exactly the same. I just don't know how to fix it. I'm giving it too much thought aren't I?! Any advice would be welcome right now!

Sorry, the app stole my paragraphs!!!

What was the activity?

Something DSD had planned, and worked hard on too. Don't want to say more in case outing as I think her mum is probably on here.

So DSD had planned an activity that relied on your DD to participate and then your DD didn't? Is that right?

It is difficult to answer without knowing the full story, although I can understand why you don't want to give it. From what you have said I think the best bet may be to give DSD time and space to calm down. Behave as you normally would with her, but don't push her. If she is actively rude to you then your DP needs to deal with it, but if she is just upset, then leave her to work through it in her own time. You could maybe try explaining to her why your DD reacted as she did if you think she would be receptive to that? It is really tricky though.

So is DSD cross with you because she thinks you should have made DD do it? Or is she just cross with DD, and transferring it to you by association? Has DD apologised to DSD?

Without knowing more details it's difficult to know how unreasonable DSD is being. I'd be tempted to just let it blow over.

What does your DP think?

Why did DSD plan something which included DD, when DD didn’t want to do it?

It’s very difficult to say without knowing more about the activity but neither you nor your DD should be being penalised for not going along with something DSD wanted if it made DD uncomfortable, especially if she’d never wanted to do it. And all that aside, your DP shouldn’t be letting DSD be rude or “frosty” to you, whatever has gone before. I hope he doesn’t let her behave rudely towards other adults, she’s 13 not 3, and as his partner you have a right to be treated respectfully and civilly at the very least.

I think I'm being needlessly cryptic. It was a play. My DD is quiet anxious child. She did participate in the first 'rehearsal' but then thought she was rubbish and got really clammed up and even the mention of it makes her tearful now. She's had a couple of little late night cries about it since but is still trying to learn her script bless her. I think DSD is annoyed at me by extension of me being DD's mum. I really did try to help DD to participate but she was too shut down and tearful at that point to join in, and DSD until that point was genuinely so gentle and tried to be accommodating by taking out the speaking parts etc. But then got upset when DD still couldn't do it and wouldn't come out of her room. It all sounds a bit daft written down but everyone is so upset!

DP says don't worry about it. He's a good parent and will do his best to sort it I'm sure. I was just a bit blindsided by sudden conflict and unsure the best way to handle.

Well I for one thinks it's really important that we teach our kids that it's ok to say no, to anything. So imo it would be more important for your dsd to learn to accep others no's with good grace than for your dd to learn she has to acquiesce against her will.

I agree Magda72. Of course I encouraged DD to take part as she was really enjoying it up to the point that she backed out, but I'm not going to push her. And I know DP's DD is coming from a place of huge disappointment, as she really did work hard on it and was very excited. Having reflected and calmed down from the initial 'omg that escalated from nowhere' I think I'm being OTT worrying about it. I guess disagreements and bumps in the road are par for the course in blending families. I won't be seeing the DP's DC until the end of next week so I'll put it out of my mind I think. DP can deal with it if it's still a problem, which I'm sure it won't be and and will have blown over by then, and try not to be so sensitive to future issues!

I think this is squabble between two DC. Albeit non related DC.
This happens all the time between siblings. All. The. Time. I want to shoot myself in the head to not hear their continual tantrums and bickering.
My DC are equally frosty with me even if I’ve had nothing to do with it. I think I get scathing by association.

I shut it down pretty quickly. And ignore most of it and let them resolve it themselves. If she’s frosty the next time she comes over, and you’ve had a good relationship. Sit her down and ask her if you’ve done anything to upset her as she seems upset with you. That’s all. If she says no, say ‘ok, well I’m always here if you want to talk. Love you’ and leave it at that.

If her behaviour continues then yes, your DP needs to step in. But otherwise this is just standard ImO.

Steslthmode you speak so much sense. You're right. I think the mini huff with me (if that's the right word) caught me so off guard I had a wobble and a worry, but on reflection its a non issue really. In a way its sort of good that she feels comfortable enough that she can huff with me 😂 it's exactly the sort of thing my DD would do. It'll all come out in the wash. I'm just new at this mixing families and really guarded against pressuring or upsetting either set of DC and so want everyone to be happy and rub along and I'm so keen on getting it right as I'm so blissfully happy with DP. But kids will still be kids even if they get along fabulously there'll be human reactions to stuff. Silly me 😆

It will pass. Your dd dosnt wantbto the play which is fine. Step dd has to get over it and accept people change their minds. Ignore the daggers.

Also why cant your step dd do the play anyway? Shes being very silly.