Canvassing opinion

[whatdoyouwantfromme]

This is the scenario, curious to understand view points -
DS dad recently arranged to see DS(10) on 2 set nights a week plus sometime over the weekend. This arrangement has only happened in the past couple of weeks. He can't make his planned visit tonight, him and his wife have a hospital appointment/procedure. He can do any other night. Would you allow flexibility or insist he sticks to plan. So it's the night as planned or nothing.
Thoughts?

Has he only just told you about this? No excuse for so little notice, even though you don't usually get to choose when appointment are. If you are going to be reasonable and let it go this week you need to put some rules in place so that he can't just pick and choose and, as much as possible, makes his plans around when he doesn't have DS.

if there is a good relationship between all parties then flexibility ought to be possible but, if there is any animosity or a history of breakdown in arrangements, then there can be benefits to sticking rigidly to a new routine as everyone knows where they stand and that, in the future, alternatives will not be offered so contact must be prioritised over other things. It sounds as though this is a one-off issue which has occurred because there was an existing medical appointment in the diary when the new access agreements were made.

Would you allow flexibility or insist he sticks to plan.

Flip it round - if you wanted to change the day would you want flexibility or to be told you have to stick to the plan?

Ot all depends whether he is doing it all the time or being an arse but it's too early to tell that yet.

In the long term I would suggest he accepts he misses a night. Or you will get lost off with who is owed a night where ime.
And the time you won't swop he will hold it against you. Ime.
He must have know about app when he made new arrangements I would suggest...

It’s a hospital appointment. He should have told you in advance but in this case I’d be flexible but ask in future you are given more notice.

I think flexibility is always the way to go. It works both ways. DH used to have DSS on "set" weekendds, but both he and DSS's Mum were flexible about changing if there was an event on etc. Or if DSS Mum were ill we would take him so she could have some recuperation time. So long as there is a broad outline so your DS knows what's going on and time spent with his Dad remains the same, flexibility will help keep things amicable. Flexibility is also something that's good for kids to learn.

I’d allow the flexibility, for 2 reasons.

1. if it’s a hospital procedure, I doubt he would cancel (May have been waiting a long time) so your child would probably just be attending it with them.

2. flexibility works both ways and it might be important in the long term to set a precedent that could also benefit you.

^ to add to that, you sometimes don’t get much notice of appointments - I myself have an appointment this afternoon that I received the letter for on Saturday (it was a cancellation)

Be flexible. We had no set times at all and the 3DC saw their father probably more regularly than most when they were little. As they grew older he became less interested and they saw him occasionally. His loss.

Flexible all the way. Things change, life happens. My ex sometimes has to change things because of work etc and sometimes I do. It's nice to know that things can be moved as necessary.

Is there any reason you would not want to be flexible? Is there much history for him letting your son down etc?

I would always go with flexibility wherever possible. My DC go to my ex EOW and on Wednesdays for dinner, but the Wednesday nights are frequently swapped around, sometimes for my reasons, others for his and others still because the children have stuff to do.

If it was my exp I wouldnt because he would be lying. There would be no hospital appointment. And it would be just another on a long line of cancellations for ‘very important reasons’

But if your ex is generally consistent and reliable then yes of course I would be flexible. And expect the same in return.

If this is the first time he's trying to change it I'd be flexible and offer another day. But keep a log just in case this becomes a regular occurrence. If it become often then I'd stop offering another day

Keep a note - it may become a pattern which you will need to tackle. I would make it clear to him that you agreed a pattern of contact and that it is short notice to expect you to be able to cancel any arrangements you had but that as a one-off, you are happy to be flexible. Ask in future, he lets you know as soon as he knows and that he is ready to make alternative arrangements if you are unable to cancel your plans. He needs to understand that you are an equal parent, not his babysitter, and that you as able as he is to make arrangements for your time with/without children and that in all but the most dire of emergencies, you should be able to rely on him having the children at the agreed times. Finally, I would ask him if he is willing to offer the same flexibility to you - he has probably never considered it!

If it’s in your son’s best interests to see his dad then his parents should both show some flexibility.

Yes, I would be flexible.

My OH (the dad) has a court ordered contact order. The mother will not flex at all (on one hand, great we all know were we stand) but on the other if we are at a family event for example the kids MUST be dropped back at the exact time and not s minute later or there’s blue murder.

Contact is for the benefit of the kids, not there to punish the other parent.

My DSDs mum wanted absolute rigidity. Except for when she wanted to change xyz because of reasons abc. Well guess what, her attitude did not last long once she realised flexibility was a two way street or it just wasn’t happening.

If the new arrangements are benefiting the children, and it’s not clashing with your own schedule, just swap. Why would you want your DC to miss out on Dad time? It’s a hospital appointment, not an appointment at his local.

Flexibility every single day of the week unless you have clear reasons not to. My exH and I flex on this because we may have work stuff pop up and if the choice for my DC is a babysitter/ nanny vs their dad, they’ll pick their dad every time. Equally if my Dc are away on sports tours, then I ensure they spend a few hours with their dad the night before they leave and my exH does the same back. Irrespective of whose ‘night’ it is, our DC want to see us both when it’s possible.

It works for us as my DC are very happy little people.

My DP on the other hand is similar to northernspirits DP. 15 mins late for drop of post contact results in threats to call the police. His Dc have signs of real emotional issues as a result of this complete lack of child orientated contact.

Sad really.

Ok thank you all.
This is the scenario DH was faced with this week. We didn't have lots of advance warning of the appointment, a few days and we both needed to be there. However DH was given more or less an ultimatum, from both DSS's mum and DSS - if you aren't there you won't be seeing him. At all. Agree flexibility is the way forward. But it now has caused a huge issue, as the other parties can't see that - this includes DSS.

What was the arrangement before 2 weeks ago? Does he have a history of messing about with contact? It seems like an extreme reaction from them if he's always been reliable and this is a one off.

Never us who mess with contact, always them. Prior to 2 weeks ago it was the same but on a different night. (To fall in-line with training)

Are you the poster whose DSS has quite a fractured relationship with his Dad at the moment and refuses to see you? If so I can understand from a 10 year old's point of view it might seem like no sooner is an arrangement in place his Dad is already cancelling on him.

Flexibility for now, but if it starts becoming a regular thing, which often happens with exh’s, then you will need to review whether he’s taking advantage.