How do you help partner and step children during vicious custody battles

[Moogie10]

I am so new to this. My partner is engaged in a custody struggle with the mother of his two lovely kids. We've been together 20 months.

Currently she is denying the girls and recently accused me of calling social services on her. I could go on but this post isn't to vent.

I am wondering if i could get recommendations on books/websites/online resources etc... on how to support my partner on this.

And once the children are reunited (we have a strong court case that will move forward in May) - how to properly talk to the kids about what happened so as not to hurt their relationship with Mom. Like...how do i strike a balance between making room for them to express their feelings around what happened without demonizing or blaming. I was thinking of asking for a family therapy session for us....so there is an unbiased third party to help me and my partner....and the kids talk in productive way.

Like...how do i strike a balance between making room for them to express their feelings around what happened without demonizing or blaming.

You don't, their father does? If you've been together less than two years and he doesn't currently have any contact do you even know these children? Even if you do, this is something where he should take the lead and you support - it shouldn't be you arranging counselling, instigating the conversations around feelings, etc. Instinctively I'm not sure that you should be at their counselling sessions, but other people with more experience might have different views on it. Your partner should certainly be doing the organising and running on it, though.

He has an agreement but she has broken it and refuses contact. They are my step kids - don't i have a responsibility to their care? I mean....do I? Father should take the lead....good point. Then i support him.

I know the children very well...

They are my step kids - don't i have a responsibility to their care? I mean....do I?

They aren't your stepchildren, legally, and while I wouldn't say that if you'd been together a very long time you haven't so I think it does matter. I don't think it's very helpful for you to be setting yourself as almost an equal influence in their lives to their father - you aren't. I know you care about them and mean well but this is going to be such a volatile and difficult situation if he does get custody back that I think you need to tread so carefully. You know that their mother hasn't been positive about you; don't fuel this further by making them feel like you're intruding on their relationship with their father.

How old are the girls?

I don't think you should be heavily involved as you may just inflame the situation. It is up to the Dad.
When did you move in together?

Hard to hear this 270219. I will think on what you suggest. Hard to see children who depend on you suffer. And they do depend on me.

Hard to see children who depend on you suffer. And they do depend on me.

How so? From what I undertsand you aren’t currentjy playing a part in their lives. How long since they’ve been to see their father? What ages are they?

Why do they depend on you? It might be nicer for their father to have you as support but it shouldn't be necessary - he's their parent, he should be capable of meeting their needs without your help.

they do depend on me

Why would this be the case? You’re their dad's girlfriend, you’ve not been in their lives for very long and for at least some of that time there’s been no contact. I appreciate you want to support your partner and that’s great but it’s their father that should be the one they depend upon.

They should not be depending on you.

They should however be able to depend on their father.

Your role is to support him, which I guess you're already doing. So just carry on.

You don't go into depth. You dont comment on their mother as much as possible you dont discuss the custody battle.

Lots of its fantastic "Its fantastic to see you" and physically being present at school events and events important to them especially if you havent kept this up in their absence.

If it fits more or less and you are in a position where you cant avoid discussion all you say "your mum got the wrong idea, she did what she felt was right at the time. We didnt agree." Aknowledge thst there may be differences in the way you and there mother see things. Allow space for the child to develop their own opinions.

You don't automatically foist therapy on a kid. Have it in the back of you mind if necessary.

In terms of things you can actually do practically to help:

Be a sounding board. Let him rant to you and listen non-judgementally - but be clear that he is ranting to you so it is out of his system and none of it comes out in front of, around or - god forbid - to the girls. No matter how he feels he says not one negative thing about their mother. This will be hard, hence why he rants to you - but it has to be where there is ZERO chance of them hearing, ie when they are not in the house. Your bedroom, in whispers, when you think they're asleep isn't good enough.

To begin with you might want to arrange things so that he can concentrate fully on them in his contact time and so you take on more household stuff then (made up for when they're not there!). This isn't a good long-term thing, though - just a short-term one to make them feel he has their full attention.

@Moogie10 demonised whatever you do... or if you don’t. You’re trying to find the tools to help your stressed husband support his children, your step children. Apparently this is bad idea, as you are a step mum! Dad must think and implement everything... you are not a parental team as you should not be involved! What utter tripe, don’t listen . Offer suggestions to dh, listen to children. You don’t have to have opinions, just let them talk. That’s hopefully enough but if not, take it from there

I thank everyone for their suggestions. Even blunt I'm sure they are made with the best interest of kids.

I think there is merit in switching my mindset to supporting their dad. Not forgetting about the kids - but not overstepping.

Lollipop stop talking shite. No one has demonised OP. I swear people have that phrase saved to C&P into every step parenting thread regardless of whether it applies or not. It doesn’t on this thread. Also, Op is not married to her partner. They have only been together 20 months.

Why did she refuse contact? Was there a good reason? Are there some lessons you can learn. I have withheld contact twice, and both for incredibly good reasons. But dad’s girlfriend was spun a proper yarn...

You need to take a back seat role but yes you can be a positive person in their life. Never say anything bad about their mum, in fact try and think of positive things to say about their mum. Focus on the positives of seeing them again and and not on what has gone before (with them. When they aren’t there you and your partner might want to really look at yourselves and what led to their mother withholding contact.)

(Should add- I am a step mother to 2 children and my own 2 children have a step mother, so I can see it from both sides).

20 months.....so not even 2 years then?!?!

There dad takes the lead. They discus th8ngs with him.
You support from the background by giving them all time and space to discuss things together.

You are not their parent confident or councillor. You are dads girlfriend.

I say this as a SM of 15 years with 2 DSS.

Try to get an appointment with the Family Separation Clinic. They specialise in parental alienation (not saying that’s what’s going on here) but they are very good, experienced and work with the whole family, Other than that the only advice I have is to be there for your DP while he is building bridges with his children. I’m a step parent and I find that it’s much easier (and I’m better at it) when I’m in the background. While DP wants me involved with his kids the reality is that all they really want is their parents.
Good luck.

@Moogie10 - I mean this kindly but step back - for everyone's sake. These kids are NOT your responsibility at the moment despite how responsible you may be feeling.
Your role here is to support your partner through this, not his kids. Or to flip it - you will indirectly support his kids by supporting him.
You getting directly involved & pushing your (well intentioned) ideas re therapy etc. will only inflame an already high conflict situation. Trust me & others on this one.
I've know my dp over 4 years. He has an extremely high conflict ex & sadly I don't have much of a relationship with his kids as they are very uncomfortable around me due to loyalty to their dm. However dp has a great relationship with his kids & I support dp by (quietly) giving him advice when he's got problems with them or the situation, & by also not getting overly involved with their time with dp - I just leave them to it. It's sad but me stepping back minimises the drama.
On the other hand dp & my kids get on great because the 2 parents & subsequently 2 stepparents in my kids lives do not do drama.

OP. What a horrible situation, for all involved.

Is your DP currently allowed any contact (like phone calls..) or has everything been halted and it’s complete radio silence?

I would agree with others here, your job will be to support your partner right now, and keep an open mind as to what may happen next. He will be missing them desperately and also intensely worried.

How is he preparing for the May court hearing? Does he have legal representation or is he representing himself? Ensure that whatever he submits is about the children. All language and dialogue must be about the children’s wellbeing. As an example the courts don’t care so much that a parent hasn’t seen the child, they do however care about the impact that has had on the child/ children. And what those children have been told.

I’m not sure how old the DC are but if they are in school, get a meeting with the teachers. Do they have any concerns? Have they noticed any changes in the children? Likewise, speak to the children’s GP, has anything been lodged with the GP’s regarding concerns with the DC?

Now, just gather info and support him. When the May court hearing happens and if contact is reinstated (and that is an if) , because a lot depends on why this contact has been stopped and the view the court takes on this...then I agree with others. Take a back seat and let your DP see how the DC are.

He needs to be clear on if the children ask why they haven’t seen him, he gives them answers that do not introduce conflict into their worlds. He cannot badmouth their mother. But he should absolutely talk to them about it, but only if they ask.

Your best job is just to remain neutral, clear space so you can both focus on play and something they enjoy. Be prepared that they may be withdrawn/ different, but just go with it and don’t say anything.

Good luck.

Depending on the circumstances of their break up and you getting together, you considering yourself the kids SM and feeling you have a right to be directly involved in that battle might very well be why there is a battle in the first place.

This would justify even more removing yourself from the situation. Your OH is a big man. He decided to have children, he needs to act like a father and fight his battlr. You can be there for him when he feels down, spur him on, give him suggestion on how to seek legal advice but don't take his battle on for him. This would make him a weak man and you a controlling freak.