What if his kid hates me

[Malpais]

I've been dating DP for 6 months now and he has a 10 year old DS who he sees EOW. Mum doesn't allow overnights so contact is at hers and I've never met the son or have any plans to.

We've talked about moving in together - we both live alone in places we used to share with exes and the amount we spend on running two houses and cars when we only live a couple of miles apart, spend 4/5 nights a week together and use each others cars interchangeably is absolutely absurd. Neither of us can really afford to save much in the current set-up. We've spoken about moving in together around the 1 year mark.

However I suspect I still may not have met his child by then. His ex is apparently very protective and hasn't allowed the son to meet any of DP's previous GFs. He reckons it might take a couple of years and even then the ex is likely to freak out about it. She sounds slightly irrational but having been raised by a single mother I try to default to being sympathetic and seeing her POV. DP understandably doesn't want to upset her as they're getting on better than they have before which means he gets to share a lot more nice family days with them.

I had a horrible, horrible step mother who I hated and I strongly suspect hated me too. I couldn't bear to be the evil stepmum. Honestly I'd leave the relationship if my existence upset his child, I just couldn't put a kid through the feelings that I felt. I would never ever behave the way my stepmother did but that doesn't guarantee his child will like me.

Would it be fucking stupid to move in with him before meeting his child? At least living together I'd have the opportunity to save a deposit in case I needed to move on, at the moment I'd be fucked if my landlord kicked me out. His child's approval is non-negotiable for me to continue in this relationship long term - I refuse to be a factor in damaging their relationship.

Hmm....there are a few warning signs here, in my view.

Why on earth does he accept the mother dictating like this? I can't imagine a good father ever accepting that he will not be allowed overnights, and will have supervised contact only, at the mother's house. In your shoes, I'd have some serious questions about his role as a father - if he is serious about being a proper dad, he needs to get to court and get a proper residence arrangement sorted out. His ex is calling all the shots right now, and that's not okay. He needs to make that his top priority, if his relationship with his son isn't to suffer - ahead of any new relationship, or moving in with you.

You're right to put the child's interests first. You definitely shouldnt be moving in together before meeting the child. That should he a very gradual process for anybody with kids. You're 6 months in now, so thats just about the earliest point I would ever even countenance someone meeting a kid. It then needs an extended period of gradually increasing time together before thinking about moving in - and I don't just mean a handful of months. It all sounds to me as though it is moving too quickly, and - again - I would therefore question whether he is putting his child first in the way that he should be.

Just as a dad, I have questions over his role as a father. In your shoes, I'd want to understand that better before getting seriously involved with this person. It's easy to tell you that it is all down to the ex, butnyou may later find out thatvhebis actually just not a great dad. And that's something you would want to know before thinking about moving etc.

It would indeed be fucking stupid OP and I think you know that or you wouldn't be posting here.

6 months is NOTHING. I wouldn't THINK of moving in with a man who says he's not allowed overnight contact with his child.

I'd be suspicious right away and want to meet his child before anything else happened.

All else aside, it would be stupid to believe he's not allowed overnights with his children purely on the say so of his ex. Either he hasn't bothered his arse to challenge her through the courts, or there's more to it than he's telling you.

I think it’s crazy to consider moving in with him. You are not in full possession of the facts.

If you don’t want to disrupt things with the child, then take it (much more) slowly and for goodness’ sake find out what sort of father his is! If he doesn’t have overnight contact with the son that’s for your DP to sort out via the proper channels.

Can you not downsize your own place and rent somewhere cheaper? Surely that’s better than a massive (blind) leap of faith?!

It would be crazy to move in without meeting. What if you never meet the child? What if you have s child and the siblings can't meet up?
Even if the mum "allowed" overnights in a couple of years time, If she's as controlling as your post suggests I suspect that she'll be heavily controlling and questioning all decisions you make, your house, the activities you do...
I'd be questioning why he didn't go to court tbh. For £210 (self represent), he could have had overnights at his house ages ago.
It's important that you see your partner's parenting in action too. You don't want to be in a situation like stuck with a Disney Dad who wont discipline. I assume that his visits with his son are very short too.

I hate to say it but this doesn’t sound good. It would be silly to move in with him before meeting his DS particularly as then when his son eventually meets you it will be strange for him and won’t really set your relationship with him off on the right foot.
Anyway the biggest worry is that his ex won’t allow DS to meet girlfriends as it’s not actually her decision to make. I completely agree that you shouldn’t introduce children to lots of partners but it’s up to your DP.
The most important thing I have found in being a step parent is there being boundaries with the ex and the ex not controlling our lives. It doesn’t really sound like there is either of those for your DP

I missed the part that contact is at hers; either there’s a good reason for that or he is accepting far too much. The child is 10 not a baby and I’d be going through the courts if I was him. It’s also a lot of time he’s spending with his ex at her home which surely must be confusing for his DS

It's a terrible idea for several reasons, not least of which is that you haven't even met this child. You have no idea how your DP is as a parent which could affect how you view him. Unless he is violent how can his ex prevent him from having a 10 year old overnight? Either there is a serious backstory or he hasn't pursued his rights - which doesn't paint him in a good light whichever it is.

Yes you would. Its great that you are prepared to have such a laid back approach to it all, which is likely to make everything much easier but you are still human and you need to consider what it would be like to share your home with a kid you dislike very much.

You need to meet him and 6 months is, à reasonable time to do so. The ex needs to get a grip. Ultimately if she is petrified of the influence of a SM, then you'll be able to meet with her one day and be reassured that you have no intention to be a possessive and controlling SM.

You really need to I include you building a relationship with the child into your plan to move in together.

You might want to read this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3525385-I-resent-my-stepson-and-I-dont-know-how-to-stop-it?pg=1

This could be your future if you don't determine now if you can build a relationship with this child.

Honestly I think he just does what the ex is happy with, for fear of rocking the boat. Apparently they haven't always got on but they seem to be good friends at the moment which I'm pleased about. They were quite young when she got pregnant and in the early days especially he wasn't often living in an appropriate place to have a child stay over and now that he does, the habits have just continued.

He's involved in his DS's hobbies etc and honestly the contact doesn't concern me TOO much - I try and see it through the lens of what did I want from my NRP dad / how would I have wanted my dad to treat/communicate/compromise with my mum when I was 10 years old. I hated being forced to stay at my dads. I was often returned early while my younger brother stayed with dad because I was far more settled with my mum - that doesn't mean my dad was a bad one. Just that my mum was the centre of my world at that age just as DP's ex is to his child. E.g. when his ex cancels contact because she's made other plans for the DS, as much as I'm sad for DP I can guess that the son would rather go on his playdate than hang out with dad.

I agree I should ideally meet him before we live together... I met my pregnant stepmother when I was 10 myself and the shock was almost traumatic. I really want to use my experience as a stepchild to navigate this situation in the best way possible.

So think it from the kids position. How do you think he would be likely to feel to find out his dad has chosen to share his life with a woman he hadn't even be bothered to introduce him to?

As I said in my last post... I was that kid. I don't need to imagine it, I've been there. But I'm not in any position to override their parenting decisions, so I'm a bit stuck here.

I don't think you're stuck. You can only make decisions based on what works for you. I'd put the brakes on moving in discussions and see where you are at in the next 18 months or so

Hi @Malpais - I wonder if your own experiences as a child mean you're in danger of putting yourself last in this situation? I mean this kindly.
To be frank I would be very wary of what's going on here. Either your dp's ex is a control freak who very much wants to keep your dp in line by controlling the amount & the place of access, or your dp is not being fully honest with you in that he is possibly more than happy visiting his ex & child in their home & playing happy families when he's there.
If it's the first then the ex will not let her child or ex 'go' easily & if it's the latter you'll always be kept at arms length by dp. Either way your dp's boundaries with his ex are extremely weak & the person who runs the risk of getting most hurt in this is you.
As others have said I'd slow right down & stay in my own place for the moment. In my experience a parent who is serious about moving on will move heaven & earth to introduce kids to a new partner (at an appropriate time) - they don't say it could take years! That's the sentiment of someone who's either not serious about moving on or who is seriously still under the thumb of an ex.

How stuck? Just say you won't be able to move together before you had a chance to get to know his son?

You’d be stark raving mad. I adored my now husband very early on and hoped it would be a serious long term thing but I held part of myself back until I’d met and spent time with his children and seen him in dad mode, we certainly didn’t move in together till my relationships with them were established, because love him though I did I knew if I didn’t like how he parented, or didn’t bond with his children we had no future and I’d have to walk away.

This is a huge part of his life and who he is as a person and you’re completely in the dark about it. You don’t really know him because you can’t yet. If you want a meaningful relationship and a future together it has to include his son. You’ve got another 8 or 10 years ahead of him being dependent, what if you hate him, what if he hates you, what if the way your partner parents him drives you up the wall, what if his ex makes your life hell? You’re in a bubble, probably a lovely one, but it’s not real life.

I too have a stepmum, she’s pretty great most of the time though I choose to be a very different kind of step parent and have learnt plenty about what not to do based on things my dad and she did. You’re projecting a lot of your own complicated feelings onto your current situation when I think there are bigger more obvious issues that should be concerning you.

What sort of father can your DP be when he never has time on his own with his son? Why doesn’t he want to have him overnight? Bedtimes and breakfasts are some of the very best bits and he’s choosing to opt out of even trying to have those. Has he never had a weekend trip or holiday away with him? Why the hell not? He’s not a tiny baby. Crappy housing ages ago and trying to keep the ex sweet are truly shoddy excuses for not having proper quality contact with his 10 year old son. Has he ever had a bedroom for him? Stuff for him at his house? Don’t make excuses for him. If he’s so in thrall to/scared of his ex then how serious is he about either his relationship with his son or a future with you?

6 months in is a normal amount of time to start planning to meet your DPs child but it’s not going to happen if it has to take place at his ex’s house and there’s clearly currently no other way. That’s weird and cause for concern. Your DP seems oddly fine with the existing set up and that should be blaring alarm bells at you.

Whilst it’s great you’re seeing it from the child’s perspective I also would suggest reading some of the threads on here and see what life ends up being like for a step mum where the child’s mother dictates everything and controls both the dad and their partners access to the child.
I understand why the way of visiting started when his son was a baby/toddler but I can’t understand why it’s carried on for 10 years.
You may be right that overnight might not be what his son wants but why can’t he take him out for the day or take him to his home for the day? Even when parents are together it’s natural for children to have relationships with each parent in their own right and spend time with each parent but his son only has a relationship with his son that his ex is intrinsically involved in.
What would happen in the future if you and your DP got married or had children? Would his son not be able to come or would his mum always be there?

Relationship with his dad I mean

I don't know any divorced parents who only see their DC at the exs home, very odd & controlling. Surely he can take his son out to the park? Is he living a double life? Pretending he works away to DS then playing happy families?

I would sit down and have a really honest conversation about this.
Is your boyfriend going to his ex's house because it's easy or because for the last 10 years she has dictated the rules and he is scared to rock the boat? Or is his son happy with this? The answer to this simple question is the starting point.
Your boyfriend needs to step up and start making more suggestions about his son coming to stay with him depending on the answers to the above question.
Your boyfriend needs to decide if he's prepared to rock the boat and consider going to court for a more robust and protected schedule.
My ex was dictated to by his ex for years, but then he was a total pain in the arse and paid maintenance late, was rude to her in front of their child. This continued when we split and he now has very limited contact with my DSD and doesn't see our son at all.

He needs to put his foot down with the ex and let you meet his child before this goes any further. If the ex isn't happy that's just tough.