I don't like my stepdaughter

[Paddy12]

I don't know what to do. I have 5 grown up children and 4 grandchildren and have always loved kids. 3 years ago my now husband and I moved in together with his 3 children now aged 8,12 and 15. There mother has had no contact since before we all moved in together so we are together all the time. I really thought we would be happy but in reality it's all gone wrong.I deeply care for the younger 2 but don't feel anything at all for the elder girl. It's getting worse to the point I don't want to be around her. I've never felt this way about a child before and I don't know where to turn for help. Has anyone else experienced this or am I really the wicked stepmother that I feel.

Has she done anything to upset or anger you?

Well Im sure I won’t be the last to say it’s up to you as the adult to unpick it and remedy it because you’re all she has in the mother front! I taught that age group for a good long while. Kids that age can give off messages that they dislike you even though they are crying out for a hug.

At 15 you can not be a mother to her, the best you can hope for is a friend. But even that will be hard after she’s been upheaved and her entire life has changed. She won’t trust you, understandable, why should she, she a teen with a rubbish family history. If I were you I would try bit by bit opening up to her about any issues you’ve had in the past, be honest and maybe she’ll open up back to you, just don’t force a relationship

What is the issue(s) do you think?

She's 15, she'll be leaving home in 3 years for university perhaps? Is she on that trajectory?

I have to say no. Having 5 grown up children I know all kids are different and all have their problems, not all mine were perfect and still aren't. But, since living together I have realised she has problems that my husband and his ex didn't notice or try to help her with when she was younger. She is way behind at school, but my husband made out it wasn't too bad. She was caught stealing from both home and school, husband then told me she had been doing it for years. She is now on tablets and wearing incontinence pads after I made her an appointment at doctors when she was coming home from school wet, to be told she had always had problems on and off. If she gets told off she covers her face and throws herself around crying like a 2 year old. I originally thought she was just slightly behind with English and maths and treated her as I did my own girls at that age only to finally realise it's pointless. So no she hasn't done anything personal to me but when I do try to explain to my husband that we need to do things differently with her because of the way she is he accuses me of picking on her and moaning about her. Writing this has made me think that maybe I'm feeling this way about her as I
feel out of my depth with her and my attempts at suggesting she needs help are coming across to my husband as me picking on her and being the evil stepmother. Things are now so bad I can't stand being near her incase I do or say the wrong thing

Poor girl, she sounds like she has a lot of issues, has she seen a counsellor?

What input does the schoold have? It sounds like your DH is about as useful as a chocolate teapot it's up to you as the next responsible adult in her life to try and get a handle as to what's going on for her.

Does she have any diagnosed learning difficulties? In your position I'd be making an appointment with her head of year to try and get some support in place for her. Take her to the Dr's and explain her continence issues - she may need to be referred to some one. How does she manage her periods? Why have these issues with her never been flagged up before?

I know you said that you don't like being around her but I really think you're going to have to bite the bullet and advocate for the poor girl - you're the nearest thing she has to a mother.

To the person who said I'm the adult and need to unpick it I understand completely how my post looked and 5 years ago g would have responded with exactly the same comment but the tables have turned on me. I am in a situation I don't know how to change. I am finally standing up and saying she needs professional help (she has no understanding that stealing is wrong, she cries because she has got into trouble, not because she done something wrong, I took her to my 9 year old granddaughters birthday party, she opened one of her presents, a box of chocolates, and sat in my granddaughters bedroom and ate them, when I asked why she had done it she looked at me blankly and replied "I gave her the box back but she didn't want it!" I don't think she even realised what she had done was wrong or just didn't care. I need to stop treating her as an average 15 year old and have explained my concerns to my husband because he is unwilling to admit there is a problem. I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall.

She needs professional assessment id guess as that doesn't sound right, she Nat need some specialist help

I have made my husband make numerous appointments with her high school and they have given her help. She is in the special support unit at her school and has been having extra help. (Found out 2 years ago that her primary school had told him she would need to go to a special school but apparently then changed it and said she had now caught up! They didn't even enter her for the year 6 sat's!) They sorted visits from a support dog hoping that the contact would help her. Even then my husband couldn't see that even the school were worried. They even tried various agencies for councilling but the only one that wrote to us said they couldn't help as she doesn't have mental health problems ie, depression.
So I really have tried, i did make appointment for her at doctors for incontinence issues and she does see an incontinence councillor. I have no parental responsibility so other than making phone calls to get the ball rolling my husband has to take her to appointments. As for periods, I did exactly what I did with my own girls and sat and chatted to her, she hadn't got a clue what to expect and I will admit I was worried sick with how she would cope and told her to come to me when it happened so I could help.

The only saving grace is that she wears incontinence pads day and night so they will work as sanitary pads too. I am also worried about that as well as after checking her pads regularly after she bins them I noticed she had started her periods, she hadn't said a word to me, that was over 6 months ago and next to nothing since but doctor said not to worry. The issues have never been flagged before as she was moved schools due to bullying issues and was never in a school long enough for them to do anything. I knew none of this until I saw a cafcas report that had been done after social services got involved after an incident when she was still seeing her mom. I asked my husband if she had been statemented and he hadn't got a clue what I was talking about. Unfortunately I have suspected for a while now that my husband may have a form of autism thats never been diagnosed and his reading and writing also cause him problems, from what he has told me I am guessing that his ex just wasn't interested.
All help etc has only happened since I started having an input.

OP from your posts it sounds like you DSD has problems you are trying to help with but your DH won't acknowledge them or support you. I can imagine that having already brought up a generation of children, it must be hard to firstly bring up a second generation of children but which includes a child with complex and unclear additional needs.

I don't think you dislike your DSD but your resentment is coming from being given this responsibility without the autonomy or support to find solutions.

Looks like a DH problem rather than a DSD problem. He needs to step up. My DH is also one to bury his head in the sand in regards to the kids at times but I am able to take the steps I need to in order to deal with it whereas you're trying to help her with 1 hand behind your back.

Sounds awful.

Why are you still with them? What do you get out of this relationship?

You SD won't appreciate what you are doing for her, your husband sounds like a useless parent who would rather create more issues for you than take responsibility for his child..

Life is too short...You have your own children and grandchildren to concentrate on.

Blimey whitecat that's a helpful response ...let's hope none of your family ever have any problems or you yourself

OK. I’d take what the school says with a pinch of salt there, finding is so awful that their claim she no longer needs extra support is unconvincing. They’ve given up on her. You tried with her maths but say there’s no point. You’ve given up on her. Her parents haven't tried in the first place.

She:

• is incontinent
• cannot tell right from wrong
• cannot keep up at school
• steals
• has meltdowns
• your husband is autistic (which is heritable)

Can you (as a family) afford £800 for a full report from a clinical psychologist?

So basically this is another post from a woman who's married a terrible (and in this case truly neglectful) father and rather than blaming him, blames the child. You dislike your dd because she has undiagnosed additional needs and her dad has no interest in getting her help.

I've 2 children with autism.im going for a diagnosis and my dh has it too..I struggled massively at school.wish someone had thought to get me assessed for autism...I think that it's worth getting your daughter to camhs for an autism assessment x good luck

@TheStuffedPenguin why is it awful?!
The OP has raised 5 children who have succeeded, left the nest and are now raiding their own children.

None of what is happening is her problem.
It's tragic for the little girl but there is nothing the OP can do. But she's suffering for it.

OP. Honestly how much happiness does this new set up bring you?
If she is like this at 15 what will change at 18? Will she be independent or will you be doing this in a decade?

If her father refuses to step up then look out for yourself! Because no one else will!

Actually TheStuffedPenguin I had a lot of issues with my own SD when she was 15 but the difference is her father was very involved and wanted to get her help she needed. He didn't pretend there were no issues or had a go at me when I was pointing things out and suggesting solutions. He listened and acted.
That's a big part of a reason why we succeeded.
My SD didn't have complex special needs like OPs SD has. Can't imagine being with a men who ignores that a 15 year old is incontinent and steals.

Thank you for all your comments both good and bad, as I said before, 5 years ago I'd have thought I was evil too reading my posts, but I could never have imagined being where I am now.
Yes, it is extremely hard after bringing up 5 children and then starting again but as I also said I love children and not realising the extent of sd problems, I just thought she was quiet (I was excruciatingly shy at that age). I also didn't realise the extent of my dh problems either, I knew he had ocd just not as bad as he does. As far as him caring for the kids, before I met him his ex had run off with the kids and he spent £10000 tracking them down and gaining a joint residency order also having to give up his job to move nearer to them as the order was made very unusual with one week with her, one week with him. So yes his kids were his number one priority unfortunately as I've now worked out due to his problems he is unable to see the bigger picture even though I've tried to explain I'm worried about his daughter all he sees is me being nasty about her. I admit I knew we would have to work at things but I never imagined just how hard it was going to be as I never knew there were so many problems as he had kept it from me. He just thought she was naughty, he never realised it was more than that and still won't accept it. As for me taking it out on his daughter, I have never tried more with a child.
I am so ashamed to admit that I don't think I can cope with both their problems when he won't admit anything is wrong.

No, you are not the wicked step-mother. Please don’t let your husband make you feel that you are. You clearly care very much about this poor, tormented girl as you are going way past the usual step-mother remit to try to get her the help she needs.
I don’t have any better advice to give than PPs, I just wanted to let you know I think you are wonderful person for persevering in these circumstances. Your husband is failing his child badly, not you.

Life is too short...You have your own children and grandchildren to concentrate on.

I have to agree.

I think you’ve done everything you can as you don’t have parental responsibility and your husband won’t help.

It wouldn’t be wrong of you to ask if you want to spend the rest of your life watching this girl struggle and your husband do nothing about it.

I honestly couldn't cope with all this. You've raised 5 kids and this is just regression.

The child has been failed by her parents. How can he deny their are issues when she wears an incontinent pad at 15.

This whole situation will take a toll on your mental health and wellbeing.

Thank you SandyY2K for your reply.
I am depressed, didn't want to add it before as wars worried people would think the depression was the cause of my problems rather than the situation I find myself in being the cause of my depression. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia after a car accident. I had to give us my full time job and will probably never be able to work again which hasn't helped because I am now at home full time whereas when I was working shifts I obviously still had the same problems but coped as I wasn't involved 24/7. Things got so bad end of January that I stayed in the bedroom for 4 days just going downstairs to get a drink. I not only couldn't bring myself to interact with my husband and stepkids but I ignored phone calls and texts from my own children and my mother who obviously picked up something was wrong resulting in my mom texting me to ask if I would go away on holiday with her. She is 86 so my husband thought it was because she can't go away on her own, in reality she told me it was because she wanted to give me a break from everything. I spent a week lying by the pool sunbathing and never once felt down. Thought it was just what I needed and came home feeling really good. But, within a week of being home all the anxiety was back and again on Monday when I started this thread I found I couldn't face anyone at home and just wanted to be on my own away from everything. I'm not perfect, no one is and I also know relationships with husband and stepkids have to be worked on but after not being able to sleep that night with the thoughts going round in my head I am beginning to realise that the only time I feel this way is when I'm at home. ( when I am with my kids, grandkids or mother and my husband and stepdaughter aren't around I am just me, laughing and happy, as soon as I open the door at home my stomach starts to churn) I genuinely love my husband but at what price? So I don't know if I'm a horrible person for not trying hard enough or just someone who can't see a future for us all

You’re not a horrible person. Not at all.

No relationship is worth this price. It’s making you ill.

You sound like a lovely person. You only get one life and I hate to think of you spending the rest of it in this awful situation.

I think you need to break up it's unhealthy all around