Any step parents with fertility issues here?

[OhhBugger]

I'm a step parent to a lovely DC.

I have fertility issues in my family which have affected me and DH TTC and we could be facing a possibility of never having a child together.

Are there any other step parents who have had issues like this?

I'm finding it incredibly tough. I love my SC but they are a constant reminder that my DH has what I don't and may never. And whilst I really enjoy having them in my life, I still long desperately for my own child and for someone to call me mum rather than Dad's wife.

I've realised recently that this is making me feel that bit more lonely in this whole situation as me and DH clearly have different experiences. It's almost like a sort of jealousy although I am glad he has DC already as I'd feel incredibly guilty if my body prevented that from ever happening for him as well as me. I worry that I don't really count that much in his life as I'm not the mother of his child (although I feel daft even typing that because I know he adores me).

I don't want to leave or anything, I love my DH and our blended family. I guess I'm just looking for support from others who have had to deal with the idea of never being a mum themselves whilst still being around children on a regular basis and having some form of 'parent' responsibility (even though only as a SP).

Hi there, I'm in a similar situation to you. Step mum to two little girls and been ttc for ages now. Makes me feel very sad that I can't be called mum.
Totally understand how you are feeling.

I'm in a similar situation, but we haven't even ttc. My step son has severe learning disabilities and complex needs and my step daughter has a lot of anxieties and needed some love bombing in her life. I have accepted that until my step son has moved to a residential setting, which may take a few more years yet. It would not be right or proper to ttc. By that time... who knows. I've accepted that if I don't get to have my own, I have at least cared for and given my absolute best to my step children. Who realistically are more like my own children as I am a full time parent. My heart goes out to you OP, I hope your partner is very understanding.

Me. We were told a few years ago that we couldn’t have kids (DP has 2). We’d done lots of fertility treatment. Nothing worked. It was so difficult. Even now (4 years on) I can’t look back in that time in my life without crying.
It does get easier over time. The best thing I did was to get therapy, expensive (but cheaper than ivf!). I won’t say that I’m over it but I’m reconciled to it now. I don’t feel the jealousy you describe anymore.
Good luck x

Me!

DSS is 9 and I've been a part of his life since he was 2.

DH and I tried for a year to conceive before we found out he had an extremely low count and our chances were slim to none without IVF without ICSI. We decided against treatment and looked into adoption instead, and a year later our beautiful DS moved in at the age of 1.

Being a step mum made the infertility so much harder. Like you said you feel more alone in it because your other half does not have the same worries of "I may never be a parent". I don't really have any advice but talking openly about it really helped for me.

Thanks all it's reassuring to know I'm not alone in this situation. Being a step parent is tough at the best of times but with this thrown in the mix too, I really struggle sometimes!

I think counselling would be beneficial. I hate the thought of making my partner feel guilty for a situation he can't change (and obviously wouldn't!).

My heart goes out to you OP. Step parenting can be very hard. Fertility issues are always incredibly hard. Combining the two can make the best of us struggle to get up in the morning!

I’m currently due my first so I hope you don’t find it insensitive for me to post on your thread but I/we’ve been to hell and back in the last few years and I can empathise with you wholeheartedly. I’ve had recurrent miscarriages rather than issues conceiving, though nothing happened for a year between two lots of several losses, and it’s been beyond horrendous. One of my particular highlights was having to cancel my DSD birthday celebration last year as I got home the day before from surgery for a missed miscarriage and was bleeding and lightheaded while trying to ice a cake and hang bunting (DH is amazing and did everything else!) so she’d still have a special day. I then crashed and DH took her to the cinema but it was yet another weekend when I had to bite my lip to keep from bawling while she gave a big hug as my tummy hurt. It royally fucking sucks. Several times we were talking about how we’d tell them they were going to get their much longed for baby sibling to find out it wasn’t actually going to happen, again, and we’d try to distract them when they asked if we’d ever have a baby and what they’d like to call it.

I’ve been really lucky to have known them since they were very young and that it’s all been relatively easy with them and I haven’t felt jealous of DH having them but when you’re dealing with infertility or losses the usual advice to book a nice holiday or whatever to make yourself feel better for a bit isn’t possible when you have parenting responsibilities, DC with you every weekend as we do, the huge financial and time pressures of having children. I got better at giving myself permission to leave them to it sometimes so they got special dad time and I got bath and book time when I was just done in and it was all too fucking much. That’s normal and healthy anyway and I’d have much more in the tank to be fun and active and decent company with them if I got breaks, time with girl friends, a walk.

I still can’t imagine being “mum” and I expect it’ll take a while for it to sink in if everything goes okay, because I spent so long trying to get used to the idea that nothing we did would work and I’d have to adjust to being a lucky step mum/bonus parent but never have babies of my own.

I think whatever happens for you, and I wish you every bit of luck in the world, you need to make sure your relationship is as strong as possible, that you feel like you’re a team, that you can be honest about how shit it is and how you’re feeling. It’s no reflection on what he has and you don’t, it would be painful and difficult if he didn’t already have children. Give yourself time and space to grieve for what you don’t have yet even while you’re hoping you still get it. These things test the strongest or marriages and partnerships!

While I’m so sorry other people who have posted here have their own heartbreaks and struggles it must help to know you’re not alone and it is objectively very bloody difficult so remember you’re doing well to be so strong in the face of what you’re going through. Keep chatting to people who understand and definitely get some counselling for a safe place to let it all out if you think it would help. I really wish you the best

AnneLovesGilbert no I don't find it insensitive at all, I'm really glad to hear it's worked out for you. I have seen your posts on other threads before, I know you've not had the easiest of times.

Thank you so much for your post, it was lovely to read and be reassured that I am not alone in the way I'm feeling.

It's so difficult. As you say, there's no 'escape', I can't just run away on holiday etc... Despite not having children of my own, I have to respect those responsibilities that come with step children and put them first even when it's unbearably hard to.