DH around his daughter - advice needed!

[Loulouleggings]

My DH and I have been together about 9 years and he has a 12yr old dd from a previous relationship. We're probably pretty lucky, we've no issues with his ex and my dsd is really lovely, we have her every other weekend and extra in the holidays. What I'm struggling with is my husbands behaviour when she's around. He is so over excited to see her he's like a child! Asking her so many questions she can't even answer them, going in her room to chat for 45mins after I've said it's bedtime and asked her to get into bed. Anytime I discipline her eg:- ask her to chew with her mouth shut or not be on her phone during dinner he comes straight to her defence - again in a really childlike way that's confused the hell out of me. I get that he's probably worried about her growing up and not wanting to spend as much time with us, but his behaviour has started to make me not want her to come - and it's nothing to do with her at all! Tried talking to him about this but he got really defensive. Anyone been through this before or have any tips? It's really starting to cause a wedge - I just want him to behave as he does when she's not here and am probably being a bit over sensitive about it. Do I just need to try and ride this out?

He probably is excited to see you and wants to hear all her news. I'd tell him to knock on her door before going in her room, maybe he just needs to say goodnight. Does she need to be told when to go to bed, shes not a baby. Maybe he doesn't feel you need to discipline her in public, if her table manners bother you can you ask him to speak to her. Maybe make it a bit light hearted when he gets over excited, laugh a bit and say here's dad chatterbox again.

Are you serious?

This is exactly why stepmothers get a bad rep.

Just sounds like he really misses her in between visits so the excitement builds up. Maybe have her a day during the week too so that he isn’t waiting two weeks to spend time with her? Just leave them to it tbh; it’s only 4 days out of a month.

Yeah I know you guys are right and he just misses her! And as much as it's grating on me at the moment seeing how much of a fab dad he is was one of the key reasons i married him! Just gotta remind myself of that when I'm next feeling bugged

Disney dad. He needs to get a grip and start parenting his daughter properly, otherwise she will grow up entitled. This situation needs to be dealt with now, otherwise it will only get worse.

I’d have found my dad really annoying if he’d have done the over excited questioning etc to me. It probably would have made me feel like a visitor not like a member of the family as it’s so odd. I’m glad he just acted like a normal dad!

Anytime I discipline her eg:- ask her to chew with her mouth shut or not be on her phone during dinner he comes straight to her defence - again in a really childlike way that's confused the hell out of me

If you were saying “shut your fucking mouth when you eat you disgusting pig” or “put your bloody phone away you ignorant cow” then I could understand him jumping to her defence, but not their weird childlike way?! He sounds bizarre.

If it’s established that basic table manners are expected and no phones at the table I can’t see any reason that you wouldn’t be able to say something about it.

If he wants her to be an open mouthed eater 🤮🤢 (not envy) then that’s his lookout (and poor parenting imo) but I’d be eating my dinner separately as it’s bloody gross to watch.

I think the issue is that nr dads can forget that their daughters (or children) are growing up in between contact. They treat nearly teens like they are there little children still and it can be cringeworthy to watch.

If she is 12 she is unlikely to want dad to be going into her room without knocking - regardless of time.

DH was like this a bit with DSD until she hit 16, had a boyfriend and then all of a sudden she was sexually active and did not want daddy treating her like she was still 12, this led to a lot of resentment and arguments (tbf there were other issues also from her entitled behaviour that her dad had instilled on her) and from 16 until about 18 it was very challenging for both of them. She really wanted to be seen and treated like a young adult that she was becoming and he wanted his little girl. I suppose it is different if they live in same house or see very regularly as you are more aware of changes in them.

I also wish that I had videoed some of his interactions with her because when I used to say things to him about it he genuinely didn't see it so I am not surprised that your DH is defensive - he probably is completely unaware of himself doing it.

Please don't let his failure to recognise her growing up ruin your relationship with her. I have a great relationship with DSD, especially as she has gotten older, and it is independent from her dad.