Advice with young step-brothers?

[bukowskibabe]

Hi. This is my first post! I'll start with a bit of background.

I have a 3 and a half year old son and my partner has a two and a half year old son. We have been together for two and half years but our sons have not spent tons of extended time together, mostly just a couple of hours at a time (due to my partner's ex).

My son is incredibly close to my partner - he has known him since 12 months old and uses a special nickname for him, sometimes calls him Daddy. My son is close to his father too, my ex.

My partner has been denied overnight access to his son until recently - we have now had him overnight five times over the past 6 months.

I'm wanting advice or comments on how my son is acting.

When we have my partner's son, my son's behaviour is very mixed. Before he arrives, my son is extremely excited and can't wait for him to arrive. When he is here he goes from either being very loving or really horrible.

My boy is very verbal and can say things like 'I want __ to go home' and 'I want him to go back to his mummy, I don't want him here' and pushes/kicks him which obviously me and my partner get upset with - he hardly gets to see his son and it's really important to us that when he comes to our house, he feels welcome and happy/at home. He also hates him touching anything (toys etc) and will snatch it away.

He also can be very loving and they cuddle and kiss and play nicely.

My partner's son doesn't seem too phased by it (he isn't very verbal) and just normally ignores it and carries on but he does understand language very well though he doesn't speak loads and so we are worrying about the impact it is having on him.

I'm struggling with what to do as I think it must be jealousy on my son's part. Part of the issue will be that my son's life is very unsettled right now (he is currently spending two weeks with us, two weeks with his dad until a judge decides where he should reside - I moved far away and did not seek a relocation order and so his dad took me to court and it has been incredibly messy and drawn out) but I cannot have my (future) step-son feeling like he does not belong with us.

I have started a behaviour chart and my son actually ended the day so well (making step-son laugh when he was upset and cuddling) but had a lot of incidents with unkind behaviour this morning.

My partner is incredibly worried, too.

I'm hoping as they get older, it'll be easier but I just want to make sure we are doing everything we can.

Sorry for rambling - thanks in advance.

I'm sorry but this just seems like the worst time to be trying to blend families. You should both be focusing separately on stabilising arrangements for your own children. In your shoes I'd be moving back closer to my ex again rather than putting my son through such an awful contact schedule or risk losing residency.

Everything @bluestitch said ^^

Also agree with @Bluestitch sorry OP

So your BFs Ex didn't allow overnights till recently... it sounds like you feel that's unfair...yet you moved far away from your son's father... denying him the ability to have regular contact with his son.

•You are in the middle of a court battle.
•Your son is split between 2 homes going 2 weeks without seeing one parent
• Your son is experiencing big changes to his life
•Your son is calling another man Daddy...when his dad is very present in his life

All this ^^^ Yet your priority is blending families.!

His son is 2 and a half and that's the length of your relationship?

It's all too much...too fast.

2 weeks away from either parent at 3.5? That’s awful. I’m guessing you moved to be with your partner OP?

our sons have not spent tons of extended time together, mostly just a couple of hours at a time (due to my partner's ex).

I moved far away and did not seek a relocation order and so his dad took me to court and it has been incredibly messy

So don't kid yourself that you are any better than her

There are times in our lives when we have to put aside our own needs and do what our child needs. This seems like this two weeks with one parent and two weeks with the other is not working for your son.

Can you really consider a future where you do have regularly frequent contact with your son? This could be the outcome of the court case. I am sorry I would be moving back to be close to your sons father and having a LDR with my partner in your position. Or even finding a midway point that enables your son to have regular contact with his father and your partner to have regular contact with his son.
From the children's point of view you son feels that when he is with his Mum ( only half the time) he has to share her with another boy. He may think your partner's son has more time alone with you when he is not there.
Your partner's son will also feel that when he comes to visit his dad there is another boy there who is mean to him.
Both children need to time alone with their parents to build and reinforce their relationships.

I moved for a job that doubled my salary in a much nicer place - I was struggling to provide on my previous wage.

I have no family where I had been living and my ex is not from there - his family and friends are nearer where I have moved to. I had naively assumed we would discuss it and he would look to move as well.

Thanks for your replies - it has given me something to think about. I hadn't considered some of the points made.

The two week rotation is temporary until next week when a District Judge will decide where he will have residency.

The outcome will obviously change things.

"The two week rotation is temporary until next week when a District Judge will decide where he will have residency."

I find it really strange that you may loose residency of your child but you are more worried about blending your family.

I'm wracked with worry, anxiety and depression on a daily basis but that was not what this was about. I am dealing with that separately and do not want advice on that.

It was about asking for advice on what to do when we both have our boys at our shared home.

Sounds like standard sibling behaviour but the boys are both going through stressful times so it's probably best for your bf and you to parent the boys solo when his sons visit. (I assume that you don't live together ) If you live together then spend meal times as a group but go out separately with the boys.

OP. I’m afraid that what my experience has taught me is that quite simply, what the adults want in these situations, unless you are exceptionally lucky, is not what is best for the children.

We fall in love with our partners. Our choice. Our children are already dealing with two people they love more than anything not being together. So they have to struggle with these powerful emotions. Then we layer in a new partner who our children did not pick, they have no choice and a total stranger is pushed into their world and their parent is saying ‘love this person too’.
Then if more children are involved, they have to deal with a child they don’t know getting their parents time and attention.

It’s a lot to ask/ expect a child to take in their stride. The reality of my experience is that sometimes it involves taking a big step back in order to make progress.

I have been with my partner now for over 3 years and we love each other a great deal. We would happily live together and financially it would help us both. But we haven’t taken that step as basically the most stressful times have been when his DC come for contact. It’s unpredictable, intense and it’s clear his DC are under conflict. For a variety of reasons. They just want to see their dad and not share his time and attention.

Trying to force this won’t help us or the DC. So we’ve been lead by the needs of our DC. I suggest you do the same.
I’m also sorry to say but your child’s behaviour will also be hugely down to the current arrangement. If I did that to my DC (whatever my reasons), I would expect emotional issues.

You can’t isolate the child’s behaviour and I just think you’re both pushing what you both want when it’s clearly not in the child’s best interests