Update and getting stuff off my mind!

[Atleastihavethecat]

So after the massive argument DP and I had in November, nothing changed with contact. It was still all over the place, so back off to court.

Last week, the judge said he'd had enough, and was ordering what amounts to SS involvement, with a view to placing the DC with us. Dp's ex has to meet a long list of requirements to essentially prove she's not alienating them, or trying to prevent contact.

We've met the SS on the case, and I feel it went well. I said that obviously contact needed to change, but that this is not about 'taking the dc away' as far as we were concerned. I said that I felt 50/50 would be our preferred option, but that we were also prepared for full custody, though we would need to be supported during that. I think the meeting went well. SS said that his team go into cases expecting to have involvement for a minimum of 18 months, but that could be supporting the parents to co-parent, sending the alienating parent on parenting courses, or supporting a change of residency.

So nothing will happen in the short term, but it does feel as though DP's concerns are being taken seriously. Though, I am aware that parental alienation is a very new concept for courts here, so we'll just have to wait and see how it pans out.

In the meantime, we're so stressed out! I'm stressed out especially. It's starting to feel like this is taking over our whole world. We talk about it all the time. His family have zero interest in supporting him through this, but they don't really want to know anything about what's going on, but periodically, they will give advice. Advice that directly contradicts the advice we've gotten from the solicitor.

DP is a bit weird about his family. He's the ultimate people pleaser with them, and listens to everything they say. To the point that he went around for the last month complaining to me that the solicitors weren't doing their job properly, because if they had been, we'd have already asked the judge to put all these measures, reports and investigations in place. Because his family said it! Never mind that the solicitor has been talking about this since November! Never mind that he has been the one saying 'no, no, we can't do that.' Never mind that we had such a giant argument about it!

My kids are pretty much fine with everything. They're a little frustrated from time to time that nobody really has any answers, or there's no timeline. But if I'm honest, so am I.

As for DP's kids - they're a mess. They know far more about this than I would have thought appropriate, but not my kids, so nothing to do with me what they know. But I don't think his ex isn't doing herself any favours when they're asking us why we want to take them away from their mummy.

Their school, who previously told DP about their concerns, have done a complete 180, and have denied saying anything. Even the stuff they wrote in emails are now being denied. Apparently we 'misinterpreted' what they were saying. We've handed all the communication over to SS.

I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but my cat isn't coping with this half as well as the kids are! He's hyper clingy, will no longer come into the house if there are strangers here, and is iffy about coming in even with people he knows. He'll only come in if he can sit on, or right beside me. He's had accidents/deliberate toileting in the house, something he hasn't done in five years! I know cats can do this as a way of announcing that they're unhappy about something. And if I'm completely honest, I'm a little pissed off that this has become so stressful that it's affecting the cat! He's a fucking cat! His life should be sleeping and eating! Not sleeping, following mummy, eating only if mummy is in the room and actively watching, having a shit on the bed!

I'm having a few moments where I'm struggling with everything. I'm watching everyone for signs of stress, and checking that everyone (my DC mostly) are ok with it, and how they're feeling, but I think I forget about me sometimes. I'm going to be super honest, there have been times when I've looked at DP and thought 'WTF have you gotten me into'. There's been times where he's thought the same thing. It passes, and we work through it. But I think it's very easy for courts, SS, Cafcass and judges to become so focused on the parents, that everyone else is completely forgotten about. Although, SS did say that he thought it was a problem that is overlooked, and that the courts need to change to take blended families into account. (Fingers crossed, we have a progressively thinking social worker)

I just wonder how Dp's ex sees this playing out. There have been assessments on the situation before, admittedly not on this scale, but five separate cafcass officer have been assigned previously. Not a single report went in her favour. All of them recommended increased contact with DP, which each report increasing the amount of contact they thought would be needed. I don't understand how she can't see that there is every chance this isn't going to end well for her.

If you've made it to the end, thank you! This was much longer than I thought it would be!

I just wanted to post to let you know I've read it and I feel so bad for you all. What an utter nightmare!

And already she has told the children you are trying to take them away from her? Those poor little kids, just horrendous to do that to them. They really have had a number done on them by their 'mother'.

I understand the whole stress thing. DP was going through Court with his ex at the same time as trying to sort out an insurance claim for a major accident he was in and it just dominated our lives for about 2 years. Awful time and it pushed our relationship to the absolute limit.

Any chance you can get a day out somewhere, nothing special just a walk out with the kids, leaving the phones at home or switched off. A day where Court stuff is out of bounds. I know it's still there but giving time to the children will hopefully make you both focus on why you are going through all this.

Can SS sort out some therapy for the children? My heart breaks that they are being treated like this by their mum. They will definitely need support to cope with this and to understand that spending time with both parents is not wrong.

Maybe do a weekly timetable? Written /printed off so the dc can see 'normal' things happening? Go shopping, watch film, bath night, games night, friend over for tea, let them help plan their week - give them some say in how things are going to be. Obviously in the background the grown ups are making decisions on their behalf but let them feel they also have an input into their lives.

We try to get time away from it, but it's so difficult when it's become so big. DP has mentioned therapy to SS, so hopefully something will happen there. The things his DC say are awful to hear, and so damaging. I can't understand why the ex is saying them to the DC in the first place.

When she was asked, both by DP and SS, she said that she's the mother so she makes the decisions.

A timetable they can see is a good idea. We do try to give them choices around what's for lunch/dinner, what they're wearing, and movies, but we'll definitely try to incorporate it visually for them. From what we can tell, their lives with their mum are very controlled, rigid and overly structured. Like if she's decided that from 4-5 is time to paint, and 5-6 is reading time, that is exactly what happens, even if they haven't finished the first activity.

A timetable is a brilliant idea. But if it's a very structured home with mum then perhaps do it with morning/afternoon/evening. Then in the morning section you put breakfast and whatever things need to be done in the house. Let the kids know it's teamwork Saturday and if you get it all done then they can pick something out of the activity jar.

And you can get them all to write down things they want to do and then put them in the jar. So it could be swimming, park, cinema, making a den out of every blanket in the house and a clothes airer, making a robot out of boxes and paint. Anything but the main thing is that everyone gets to put in the same amount of things and they will all get done.

Your house seems to be the fun house for them which is probably the wrong way to describe it but definitely a lessening in the pressure on the children. There still needs to be structure around meals and bedtimes, baths etc and obviously house rules. The main thing is you are providing some stability to them.

She’s the mother so she decides? Digging her own grave there.

Another update:

SS have organised some play therapy for DP's DC. The social worker says he thinks this will happen in the next week-ish. We're very happy about this. Mum initially said she was happy, but has now changed her mind, and wants to be present at every session. Apparently, they'll feel pressurised and distressed if she's not there.

The DC's school decided that they would not facilitate a parents evening for DP. They only sent details to mum, which were not passed on. DP asked the school if he could have a meeting with teachers or even an email update, but they've said no. The social worker is to talk to the school to find out why.

Mum has moved in with her boyfriend of six weeks. Or three-ish weeks. Depends on your point of view. The youngest told us that they'd met him about five weeks ago, and someone else told us that mum had only met him about a week before the DC did. Then they split up for a few weeks. Now they're living together. SS spoke to her about this, and she's saying she doesn't live with him exactly, but he stays over sometimes, and uses the address for things. (I'm absolutely baffled by this! Their lives seem to be quite rigid, from everything we've been told, and have seen, so this sudden relationship, moving in, is such a departure from the norm although their routine hasn't changed, it just includes the boyfriend now) (Side note: after years, she still says I'm DP's girlfriend, not partner, just girlfriend because we could split up at any moment, but her boyfriend of a few weeks is her partner.)

Mum has sent us a letter through her solicitor to say that she's asking the CSA to re-evaluate the maintenance. DP's financial circumstances haven't changed but mine have. She wants the maintenance to re-calculate based on my earnings. She will not go to the CSA if we can come to an appropriate top-up agreement based on our household income. Her solicitor suggests that we make a suggestion of what we think would be fair, or we send over my bank statements and they'll make a suggestion of what they think is fair. We've refused, or I suppose, I've refused is more accurate. (Also, may not be relevant exactly, but apparently mum and her boyfriend have just bought a very large, touchscreen type TV, and other new house stuff according to the DC)

In better updates, we've done a loose timetable (Morning/Afternoon/Evening), and made an activity jar. So far the activity suggestions from DP's DC have been home-based. They want pyjama days, movie nights, and picnics on the floor. Not a single suggestion involved leaving the house, so we're going with it for now, but will eventually encourage them to add in things like going to the park, or swimming etc. We used to try to do an out and about activity every other contact, but I think with every that's going on, they want to relax more than 'do something' iyswim.

First things first, this is intensely stressful and will be effecting everyone. Sadly when an ex puts children through stuff like this, they become intensely conflicted, confused and that can very easily seep into the every day fabric of your family. You have to try not to let it as it can actually have a detrimental impact on you.

Firstly, the school. If your DP has parental responsibility, they cannot exclude him. Has your DP made an appt with the head and asked why? Schools are cricitically important in these sorts of evaluTions, in an open child based way, your DP needs to engage with the school.

Second, ignore all the other stuff like girlfriend/ partner. It’s completely irrelevant and all to do with winding you up. No one cares about that (and if you talk about it, you risk coming across like someone who is in conflict with her direct (and that’s bad).

Document everything. Less is more with the SS. It’s intensely sad that she has told the DC that daddy is trying to take them as they will be finding this incredibly stressful, poor children.

Tell her to go to CSA. They’ll laugh at her. Even if you were married, CSA do not include your income. Make sure you tell court and SS about this bollocks too.

Can’t think of any valid reason why school would refuse to do another parents evening for DP That might be interesting.

After posting in Relationships, I thought I'd update this one. The situation has devolved.

DP's ex continues to act in the same way, and is still preventing contact. She has moved house, and is refusing to let the SW interview her boyfriend. She has also started not being in when SW comes at arranged times.

Their DC's behaviour is seriously devolving, and the school have done another 180. They told the SW that they didn't do a parents evening with him because they thought it would make the whole situation worse. But their original concerns are back and have been discussed with the SW and DP.

Play therapy has been started but mum's insistence at being present is making it difficult. She's also cancelled a few sessions, and not turned up to sessions, which she's said is fine because she's taking them to a private therapist. Nobody has the details of this therapist.

DP has also started some sessions with the SW to find strategies to cope with the ex and her behaviour. It's also around coming to terms with how abusive their relationship was.

My DC have spoken with the SW and explained that they don't like that there's no timeline for any changes being made. They don't like the continually cancelled contact, and they don't like some of the statements his DC have started making about DP. SW has included all of this in his reports.

Mum is still trying to access my income details. Her solicitor asked the court 3 times to comply me to hand over financial information so she can be reassured that we aren't in financial difficulty. Court have refused every time.

The cat is much the same. Very wary. Toileting in DP's DC's room, which very much makes me think that that's what his new behaviours are about. He has gotten a little better with people he knows, but he's just very upset with the whole situation. My female cats are the same as they always were, it's just him who seems to be struggling.

I've spoken with the SW on my own quite a bit. Mostly around what could be done to change the situation so that we would have regular contact, and the DC would still live with mum, but also around what changes would happen if they lived with us. Honestly, he's really great, and while he is trying to salvage this, he also seems to be thinking that it may not be salvageable and putting things in place to support us if the DC live here. Some days I'm more positive than others, but I think that's probably to be expected.

Are SS considering whether she is fit to be a parent? What are the concerns the school have? Have SS done a police check on this boyfriend?

Are the children on the At Risk register? In what category? If so, do you and DP get invited to any meetings? Does their mother? Does she attend?

It all seems very vague by SS - what are they actually trying to achieve?

Oh, and get a Feliway plug in for the cat ;-)

Hope you're ok, it's a tough situation.

Are SS considering whether she is fit to be a parent?
Yes, that seems to be what they're assessing.

What are the concerns the school have?
The DC's behaviour is worsening. Their school work is worsening. Mum is giving different stories of the same event on different days.

Have SS done a police check on this boyfriend?
Not yet. They're trying to, but she keeps 'forgetting' to tell him to come to meetings, or being out when they've arranged an at home visit. SW needs to speak with him, and wants to tell him that they're doing a police check before just doing one.

Are the children on the At Risk register? In what category?
Yes. Emotional abuse.

If so, do you and DP get invited to any meetings? Does their mother? Does she attend?
Yes, and yes, she does. She then frustrates the meetings by pointing out that various things that should have been done haven't been (because she hasn't been in etc. when they were supposed to have been done).

It all seems very vague by SS - what are they actually trying to achieve?
They want the DC to live with mum 60/40. They want her to understand and accept that dad has input in their lives, and act in a reasonable manner. If and when that doesn't seem like it's going to happen, they're assessing us to see if we would be better.

Frustrating update but appreciate it

I hope things improve for all, including the cat

Just wanted to say I really sympathise. You must be stressed out of your mind.
Animals behaving weirdly is IME a sure sign that the atmosphere in the house is awful. The cat is basically acting out how you're feeling. Although I'm sure you don't want to go to the loo on your bed!
The vet can actually advise treatment for cat's anxiety. Do make an appointment because the cat making a vile mess will be stressing you even more.
I really do wish you all the best. I hope you can get some time out just with your own kids. It must be affecting them too