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Step-parenting

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Original poster

anybody else think this is odd?

79 replies

Dave82 · 17/02/2019 05:47

So I received some heart ballons from my partner, my 7 year old daughter had a bit of a traumatic time at her mums house on Wednesday night so on Thursday afternoon I said to my partner I have got to drop some stuff off for my daughter so I will take her 1 of the 6 ballons to cheer her up, my partner seemed ok with this. however last night we were having a bit of a heart to heart conversation about our relationship and she said it really upset her that I gave my daughter a ballon because they were for me not her, I find this very odd because she knows what my daughter went through the other night and it's not like I took all the ballons to give to my daughter. I just want to get people's views on this as I don't think it's normal behaviour.

thanks for spending the time to read.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Tennesseewhiskey · 17/02/2019 09:20

I started to feel like I was second best

Compared with his daughter you are and should be.

BoringPerson · 17/02/2019 09:28

Weird and unpleasant behaviour by your partner.

TwitterLovesMAPs · 17/02/2019 09:37

The relationship with your DD and your romantic relationship shouldn’t be competing with each other, you need to put the effort in with both of them

It’s this simple, really. Get the balance right and everyone will be happy.

It’s not about putting your GF before your DD. But if you’re ready to have a relationship and share your life with someone you have to meet them halfway and not expect them to just come along on yours and DD’s ride.

milienhaus · 17/02/2019 09:43

Just a thought, but maybe she felt weird about you turning up at your ex’s house with valentines balloons and the daughter is a bit of a red herring?

BreastSideStory · 17/02/2019 09:45

@Tennesseewhiskey

*I started to feel like I was second best

Compared with his daughter you are and should be*

Why? I have two DCs and I don’t put them before my DP all the time, he certainly isn’t second best to them. Their happiness and wellbeing are my priority, but so is my partner’s. Because I treat them all fairly they are all happy and their needs don’t come into conflict. A lot of the problems in blended families occur because the wants or needs of one member are put considerably above the others.
I love my children with all my heart, but I also love my partner. It isn’t a competition, there’s enough love to go around 🤷🏼‍♀️

BreastSideStory · 17/02/2019 09:49

It was never about my feelings towards his DD, it was about how he treated me as a nice accessory to his life but not the main event
I think this perfectly sums up how a lot of people in relationships with partner’s with kids feel. I make a real concerted effort not to do this to my DP, I make sure we have time on our own and he feels appreciated and loved too.
Just as you would prioritise one on one time with your kids, you need to do the same to nurture a happy romantic relationship. It’s even more important to do it in a blended family because the other adult doesn’t have the same unconditional love for the kids as the parent does.

MeOldChina · 17/02/2019 09:56

Yes, i think it's odd. I wouldn't have given it a second thought.

RandomMess · 17/02/2019 10:01

Perhaps your partner is very sentimental about gifts whereas you may be someone who appreciates the thought and kindness but doesn't place symbolism on them?

I would talk to your DP from the angle of "I'm sorry you are upset about the balloon, tell me about it"

I think it's just a difference - have a quick read about the 7 languages of love I suspect you have different ones.

Nomummyonlyzuul · 17/02/2019 10:10

Could it be that she gave you 6 balloons for a special reason(to signify something?) And so was upset that you gave one away because then the number wasn't special anymore? Just a thought, maybe that's why it upset her so much?

BlueMerchant · 17/02/2019 10:14

Yes, the relationships are separate and yes both need nurturing I completely agree but come on ...what adult would take issue with her partner giving his daughter a balloon she had bought him. If insecure then she should talk to him but to involve the balloon is really silly.She be sounds like someone who is immature and resentful to me.Likely a game-player.

llangennith · 17/02/2019 10:16

Getting huffy because you gave one balloon to your DD? Ridiculous. she really hasn't a clue about how strong parental love is has she?
Whatever she felt about you giving your DD a ballon she should have dealt with those feelings of jealousy herself and not mentioned it to you.

burnoutbabe · 17/02/2019 10:18

Seems stupid. Balloons have a shelf life don't they, so will die after a week or so. Giving one away doesn't affect anything long term.
Would she be off if you offered your daughter one of your valentines chocolates?
Balloons are a pretty stupid gift anyway for an adult, I'm not sure I'd have appreciated them over something tangible.

WhiteCat1704 · 17/02/2019 10:20

Well I think giving away a Valentine's day gift to your daughter who doesn't live with you is wierd. Why didn't you get her her own baloon/gift to cheer her up?

funinthesun19 · 17/02/2019 10:20

That’s a good point.

Tennesseewhiskey · 17/02/2019 10:22

BreastSideStory of course sometimes one person in a family comes first. Sometimes someone else.

However, overall, his child should be his priority. Getting annoyed because he misses his daughter first, is odd. Sorry. But I always greet my kids first. I did when I was with their dad and do now I am with someone else

Dp would find it odd if I made sure I greeted him first and not my son.

BreastSideStory · 17/02/2019 10:24

It is not about the balloon, I would bet my life on the fact there’s a deeper issue here.
Like I said previously, talk to her and find out what’s bothering her rather than judging her reaction to you regifting her valentine’s gift to you.

Tennesseewhiskey · 17/02/2019 10:24

If she gave him 6 balloons, for 6 reasons, but failed to elaborate on that......how could she expect him to know.

And they are balloons! Of the daughter lived full time with them, you can guarantee the child would have got more use out of them. That's what happens.

BreastSideStory · 17/02/2019 10:26

@Tennesseewhiskey I mean he physically walked past me when I opened the door and into another room to greet his DD first. That is rude, I wouldn’t ignore the person who answered the door and go straight to my child who wasn’t there first.
But you know, each to their own 🤷🏼‍♀️

WhiteCat1704 · 17/02/2019 10:41

But I always greet my kids first. I did when I was with their dad and do now I am with someone else

Maybe that has something to do with your failed marriage. Most children would prefer to have a happy mother and a happy father together rather than be put on pedestal in a broken family.
If you won't care about your partners feelings and always prioritise someone else over them(even your children) the relationship won't last. Nobody wants to be second best.

dropthemic · 17/02/2019 10:50

I think it would be different if she got angry/upset in the moment when you suggested bringing the balloon to your DD. But it was during a heart to heart that she brought it up. To me this means she was probably aware that she was being unreasonable to deny your DD a balloon when she is upset but regardless of how illogical or unreasonable it is, she was still felt hurt.
I doubt it is really about the balloons. I think it's postive you can communicate how ye are feeling. I have confided in DH some of my most illogical emotions and it helps stop my thoughts running away with themselves. She probably just needed a little reassuring that you appreciate her.
I once made a huge effort with some presents for my DH and he gave some of it to his nephew. I knew in the moment if I voiced what I was thinking I'd sound like the crazy lady who denies children fun but I was disappointed. He saw it as doing something nice for his DN, I felt like a rejection of all the effort I put in. Without getting overly deep about it,when you put thought into a present you are trying to give them a representation of what you mean to them. If they give some of that away,it's bound to cause a little hurt.
You did nothing wrong though,it you probably really cheered up your DD. I suspect your DP believes this too.

Tennesseewhiskey · 17/02/2019 10:50

Maybe that has something to do with your failed marriage. Most children would prefer to have a happy mother and a happy father together rather than be put on pedestal in a broken family.

Fuck off. My failed marriage is because my husband had a mental health breakdown and raped me......is that my fault too?

What nasty, nasty comment. Are you always such a dick? Take a small amount information and think you have all the answers?

I greeted my kids first because they don't have adult emotions or reasoning. They can't logically think it through. They see a parent and want to see them, a parent wants to see the kids. Adults can reason that a child wants it's parents. I didn't say I always put them first. I actually said there are times where the kids don't come first.

But I think getting pissy your husband greets his kids first is ridiculous.

Charley50 · 17/02/2019 10:57

I think she was perhaps a bit worried that you gave them to your ex, than your daughter?

(Can't believe adults give balloons to other adults as a present anyway, but that's just me! )

AliceRR · 17/02/2019 10:58

She is not jealous of your daughter. And I don’t think she’s selfish or immature.

She gave you a gift and you immediately gave part of it away. I don’t blame her for being miffed. Just because you have a daughter doesn’t mean all other social etiquette goes out the window

I don’t know what this trauma was that you speak of but if you wanted to give her a gift (or something else) you should have bought something for her

TortoiseLettuce · 17/02/2019 10:58

DH brought me two balloons for my 40th. DS played with both of them and popped the 0 by trying to climb through it. It’s a balloon ffs, they’re for kids. And when DH comes home he always greets DS first because DS is excited to see him and is shouting Yay Dada! It’s never occurred to me to mind. But DS is my child. In OP’s situation imo there’s some jealousy and the gf resents the daughter.

BreastSideStory · 17/02/2019 11:00

But I think getting pissy your husband greets his kids first is ridiculous
I didn’t get pissy, I said I found it hurtful he would physically walk past me without even saying hello to go and greet his kids who weren’t even aware he was there yet. If they were at the door too then of course I wouldn’t have had a problem with it, but to ignore your partner and go into another room to speak to your kids first isn’t right however you want to dress it up. The kids weren’t wanting to see him, they didn’t even know he was there until he entered whatever room they were in.
I would always say hello to whoever opened the door, romantic relationship aside, it’s just good manners. It felt like he was saying “You’re not as important to me as my kids, I want to see them first”. It was hurtful.
If his kids opened the door and he walked past them to come and find me and kiss me first they would find that hurtful too.
Like I said, it’s about being treated equally and if people are willing to do that for their partners then they should reassess whether they are capable of having romantic relationships whilst the kids are young.

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