Can it work?

[CBADotCom]

Name changed as a sensitive subject and potentially outing. Sorry if a bit long!

I Have 2 kids (16 & 13), one with SEN, and live in a good sized 2 bed.
DP has lived with me for a year and DSS,11, has been staying most weekends.

4 months ago there was an issue between DSS and his mum and he no longer wants to live with her (was quite a serious issue, school reported concerns to social worker etc). SW and DP Ex have agreed that DSS can stay with us and supervised contact with mum be instigated.

I knew things wouldn't be plain sailing. However, the difficulties are:-

3 boys sharing one room is a bit of a squeeze and is leading to friction. The room is generous but still far from ideal, esp as DS1 wants his girlfriend round occasionally and DS2 needs space for his equipment. Moving not an option as cannot afford and no joy with local council. DP and I will move into lounge to create space (was considering this beforehand as my boys sharing was problematic) but who gets own their own room? DS1 who's eldest? DS2 who has AN and needs space? DSS who's not related and has emotional difficulties?

Bigger issue - DP is a very laid back / disneydad / guilt ridden parent. He doesn't do confrontation and will do anything to avoid DSS getting upset, which has got worse cos DSS is struggling emotionally with all thats happened plus is here everyday so expects things to continue like it was when he stayed at the weekend. Typical example is the other eve I was cooking dinner, I changed some of DSS's for stuff he likes, DSS wasn't happy with that threw a strop so DP had a go that I should've cooked him a completely separate meal. And it's always like that. DSS wants a drink or snack, he hollers for DP to get it; if he not happy with something, he throws a strop until DP gives in and changes what he's unhappy with; DSS cant find something DP stops what he's doing to search for it. It's ridiculous! I accept people have differing parenting styles but this is allowing a child to dictate everything. And it then means he's reacting against me when I say things like 'drinks are in the fridge if you want one' or 'put your stuff away', but I dont see why he should be treated differently to my children. I get that he's having a rough time and needs some tlc and patience, but I think this is making things worse.

I accept its all been very sudden and the changes will entail a steep learning curve but given these difficulties is there way forward?

Have you spoken to your DP about how unfair it is for all the kids to single one out and treat them differently? And that DSS needs stability and rules now more than ever?

If so, what does he say in response?

If not, I’d do that then have to make a decision depending on what comes from the conversation.

Ive asked him and he agrees with me but when it comes down to it, he still does things the same way, passive non confrontational and not willing to try a different approach, even though he agrees his current approach isn't helping

I think then if I’m honest I can’t see how it would work if he can or won’t change.

You can’t live in a household where your children are told off, but his gets his own way all the time. It would be awful for everyone.

I might try one more talk then give it a month and if it doesn’t change ask him to leave.

I'd be tempted to tell him to cook dinner for his DS if he complains again.

An 11 yo can get a drink for himself too. Now he's with you full time...you need some family rules.

I think the oldest child should get his own room.