Ruling out more children

[Ella1980]

Long story short, I met my now fiance when I was 36 and he was 41. We'd both been married before (strangely enough both married and divorced in the exactly same years!) and I had two children. They are now 8 and 11. Fiance always was desperate to be a dad but his ex-wife was unable to carry 😢
When we first met he said he would love a child of his own but understood that by now at this point in his life it was pretty unlikely. He also knew my age (biological clock not favourable to more babies) and also my financial situation (two-bed rented property despite working ft as a teacher).
But ultimately we didn't rule it out. We planned to move to a bigger house, save for a small wedding in 2020, and then see what happened. If a baby was meant to be for me at 40 it was meant to be.
At the end of last year I very unexpectedly lost my job for the first time in my working life. We're just about getting by but it's a real struggle as fiance on a pretty low wage and we have the boys for half of the time with no maintenance payable from my ex.
So we can't move which means we can't consider a baby. I feel terrible that he will never experience the joy of having his own baby and also for me I guess there is an element of sadness that we will never experience being parents together if that makes sense?
Did anyone on here go through similar emotions when having to let their head follow their heart?
It's a difficult time for the both of us.

Is there some reason why you don’t think you’ll get another job? Are you hoping to get back into teaching?

I am. It's actually quite tricky to get a teaching job unfortunately. Teachers are required to give a full terms' notice meaning that jobs only tend to come up at specific times. Then they are often offered to NQTs or less experienced applicants than myself because school budgets are usually pretty tight!
If I wasn't 38 now we'd be more optimistic, but we know my age goes against me and we'd definitely need to move first and both be in secure jobs before even so much as consider a baby.

Can your partner look for a better paid job? Supporting a new baby with you on mat leave even with a new job is a usually a financial hit for most people so it's worth him preparing for this now. A lot of mum's I've met are in their early 40s when they have a baby so it's still a possibility but you may both need to be proactive. Don't worry about bedrooms just yet as baby would be in with you initially anyway. Obviously don't discount it long term but it sounds like you're bogging yourself down in and barriers and what if's.

@blackcat86 Not really as he's progressed up the ladder in terms of his job and is pretty much as far as he can go. He is a incredibly intelligent man academically but became unwell at uni and so didn't complete his degree.
So the reality is the onus is on me to find abother teaching job ASAP as I'm the main earner. This situation further complicates the matter of considering a baby going forwards!

That does sound complicated although if he's reached the top of his current employment would be consider retraining or doing something else? I'm also the top earner. We have 15 yr old DSS and a 6 month old baby. DH has gone into a new career in IT which he was interested in anyway but is also likely to be more lucrative in the long run. He's 40. I will be going back to my usual post part time in a few months but I'm also retraining to have a profitable at home business in the long run. It's not easy but for me, not having a baby would have been a deal breaker although I obviously understand the need for DH to contribute financially to DSS. Could you consider private schools or tutoring where you are likely to make extra money?

I feel terrible that he will never experience the joy of having his own baby and also for me I guess there is an element of sadness that we will never experience being parents together if that makes sense?

You have two still young children already and you need to focus on providing security for them. If he wants to have a baby so badly HE needs to be able to afford it! You don't want to be "parents together" if it means you have to provide financially for all 3 children and him..Teachers aren't that well paid either..

You've posted before; did you not have a conversation with him about you being adamant that there would be no more children?
If you are not financially able to then he will either accept the status quo, he will look for another high paid job in order to support you to make it happen, or you have a serious chat about what you both want and he will tell you what his deal breakers are.
Last time you posted about this you were set on there being no more children, it seems your circumstances haven't changed.
Talk to your partner!!

What about supply teachering plenty of agency’s and you can keep an eye on vacancies in the schools and what about tutoring?

@zzzzz
There's already four of us in a two-bed 😐

Have applied for supply but it takes ages to clear.

Also supply is not a guaranteed income which we need!

I know what you mean about being older and therefore more expensive than nqts. Can you look for a management / HoD post?

I don't have any other experience except being a regular class teacher 😢

I don’t understand why you think it will be so hard to get another teaching job? There is no pay portability nowadays so there is no reason you can’t offer to work at the lower end of the main scale and guarantee a job rather than be fixated on higher pay. I know this is unfortunate but a lower paid job is better than no job.

Also how did you lose your teaching job? This is very unusual but is it why you think you won’t get another??

OP I think the emotion you’re describing is natural to a lot of couples post divorce. At a biological level we are pre disposed to want to procreate and have the ‘our’ baby and obviously what further compounds your situation is that your partner hasn’t had children of his own.

There are two views on this. The first view is start TTC and if you get pregnant then you will find a way.
The second view is that you already have young children and their very real needs should take priority over yet conceived babies.

My DP has repeatedly circled the ‘our’ baby conversation with me. He would have another baby with me in a heartbeat? My view is more pragmatic; we have existing DC, their needs come first and more critically I am years out of the baby stage. I am in blinking distance of being able to leave my DC alone at home and have a level of independence I’ve not had since they were born.

Forget the financials, are you prepared to go through an additional 9 years of ‘parenting’ before you have independence? It’s a huge ask to make of you. Take a step back and ask yourself if another baby would truly be the best thing for the children already very much there....

I want to add, I have a deep sadness that we won’t have the our baby and it’s been a process to come to terms with it. But when I take a step back from those emotions, look at what I already have on my plate, and hug my children, I absolutely know that they don’t need me stretched even further and my life is very much complete.

@stealthmode I know what you mean. I know it would be wrong of us to consider a child together in our current financial situation so I guess we just wait and see where life takes us. At 38 now it may be that we might run out of time from a biological perspective but que sera sera if we're not in a position.
Re my two children I guess the reality is that I don't really feel like a mum for a lot of the time. The 50/50 split means it's just me and my fiance for long periods of time. For example, we're currently on a 12-day stretch without them. I'd like to say it gets easier five years on but the pain doesn't quite go away. I suppose it's like a loss really.

OP I never said it was wrong, not at all.

What I asked you to look it is whether this is a step you can both take, taking into account that your DC are older and more independent. Do you want to go back to baby days? Or is this something you want to do to make your Dp happy?

I completely understand the grief you describe. Divorce is brutal and whilst the 50/50 shared care is brilliant (certainly for my DC) it rips a family apart. I desperately miss my DC (and I also think the grief you describe is why so many primary careers fight for that sort of set up post divorce).

You’re not alone in your grief. But this is a HUGE move and I just advise you to really ask yourself if you: your lifestyle can manage it. That’s all.
I know it would put mine under huge strain and also, I’m just not prepared to put my ‘freedom’ back by another decade plus...I’m longing for the day I can pop to the gym and leave my DC alone for an hour....