Fed up of DH wanting DSD to have nice time instead of parenting her!!

[Potsnap]

Name change for this. Just after some support really.
DSD is 10, 11 in August and so will be starting secondary school soon. She is with us half hols, eow and after school once a week.
DH in my opinion is guilt parenting, he only wants her to “have a nice time” when she’s here rather than establish ANY rules/guidance etc and treats her like an infant.
Example - it’s only because of me that DSD now has minor responsibilities, e.g. keeping her room tidy, taking her used clothes to the hamper (I wash dry iron them for her) and it’s only me who bothers reminding her of her manners. Last week DH has a right go at me because DSD has a habit of getting out of bed for ANY reason and especially to say she can’t get to sleep, and I called out to her (from bed where I was sleeping) “go back to bed, getting up won’t help you sleep”.
When he had a go at me I said well to be fair it’s reasonable to expect you would have sorted this out with her by now. I understand what she’s doing as we’ve all been kids, but my parents used to tell me to stay in bed not get up all time (unless genuine reason). I wish he would explain to her we all struggle to sleep occasionally but we have to learn to lie quietly and find a way to sleep - whether it’s reading for a bit, counting, meditating etc.
It just frustrates me so much that I’m to accept this child as my own and I’m allowed to do all the nice bits but I’m not allowed any input otherwise. I understand my husband feeling guilty and wanting to basically have a mini holiday with her every time she’s here, but the way I see it is he’s not being a parent and guiding her to develop tools she needs as she is growing up. Such as not teaching her it’s not acceptable to get out of bed several times a night unless toilet or sick. When I was her age I got my own breakfast, could make a cup of tea, Fed and walked the dog, hoovered, washed, dried and put laundry away, etc etc. I don’t expect DSD to do any of this as she isn’t here often but the fact she doesn’t even make her own cereal and seems to have no independent thinking boggles my mind. Her mother also does everything for her and even tidies up her room for her and goes in picking up her dirty clothes that she leaves on the floor.
I suppose I’m just after some other step parents to say they understand and what did you do about it and do you think I’m in the wrong?? I could understand if she was 5 but she’s not and by the way I love her to bits it’s my DH I’m annoyed with.

I don’t have any advice really as I’m in a similar position with my DH and his DD. Guilty non parenting, she is treated as an adult and allowed to make all the decisions but also babied and not expected to do anything (even wash herself!)

When it gets to me i write it all down, take the emotion out of it and then sit and tell my DH what’s bothering me. It hasn’t worked though as he’s too guilty/lazy to stand up to her.

My DH has a habit of doing this and then I end up doing all the “nagging”.

He literally lets them spend all bloody weekend sat on their phones doing sweet FA while we cater to their needs.

This morning I was pissed off as yesterday I bought some bananas for the week and this morning they have got up and eaten two each leaving the ones that needed eating first and putting the skins in an over flowing bin rather than down the waste disposal unit (that they have been asked nicely to use when disposing of any food).

I mentioned this to DH and he turns it into a row and me “always being in at them”

Does my head in.

Thanks both. Exactly the same situation then!
@PooleySpooley it’s horrible isn’t it. I mean my DSD has learnt to put food waste in the compost bin and she does do it (but only because I encouraged her to clean up her own plate and place it in dishwasher!!) but yes yes and yes, any time I mention something to DH he causes a massive argument. He becomes so prickly when she’s here, and always on the offensive even though DSD and I have a good relationship. I will say something reasonable and normal, and he blows up and says he’s “defending DSD” but there’s nothing to defend! I’m not a wicked stepmother I love her and just aim to treat her as I treat my own daughter which is to guide her and teach her when something isn’t appropriate.
Which I think is fair - in a blended family you cannot be expected to live in your home and be a family and not be allowed to say (in an appropriate way) to the stepchild that something is or isn’t acceptable. I never ever tell DSD off or yell, I always approach an issue by talking and explaining. Like “it upsets me when you do this because I try hard to keep this room clean. Do you think it’s fair to leave mess?” Or something similar. And in my experience that gets results. She understands why I’m asking her to do/not do something rather than just “because I said so”. But DH still thinks I’m just always on her case (I’m bloody well not!!)

I totally understand. DH definitely does the “guilty parenting”. We’ve had several disagreements over the years as whatever I do, I sometimes feel I just can’t win. After feeling for quite a while that I’d had enough and run out of steam with the situation, I’ve detached slightly. It helps.

I wish he would explain to her we all struggle to sleep occasionally but we have to learn to lie quietly and find a way to sleep - whether it’s reading for a bit, counting, meditating etc
Just to comment on this. This is a tuslly wrong. Advice from sleep specialist is that if you can't sleep, you should get up and do an activity until feeling sleepy again and not stay in bed trying to get back to sleep, so your OH is right to challenge you on this.

Kids who get struggle to sleep at that age are usually kids who have issue with anxiety so you telling her from your bed to vet back to bed, most likely in not the most pleasant tone of voice sont help.

Totally agree about the making her own breakfast though assuming you all make your own as its not uncommon in families for one person to prepare it for everyone.

My dd often can’t sleep at night. 10 is still quite young. She often gets in with me.

*Advice from sleep specialist is that if you can't sleep, you should get up and do an activity until feeling sleepy again and not stay in bed trying to get back to sleep, so your OH is right to challenge you on this**

What activity would you be doing in the middle of the night?

comment on this. This is a tuslly wrong. Advice from sleep specialist is that if you can't sleep, you should get up and do an activity until feeling sleepy again and not stay in bed trying to get back to sleep

That’s advice some sleep specialists give for adults, but not advice I’ve ever seen given for children. Besides, it doesn’t sound like the DH is following advice of sleep specialists, just to lazy/guilty to bother to parent. He could have had a grown up conversation with OP explaining what his parenting method is, but he didn’t because he probably knows he’s lazy/crap.

It sounds tough OP. Your DH isn’t doing your DSD any favours by not parenting her. Does he “defend” DSD from you in front of her?

Totally disagree with Swing. My experience with kids (and I’ve had lots) is that they will often dick about at bedtime and will try and stay up late / get up if they’re allowed to.
My SD went through a phase like this recently (she’s also 10) and we made it clear she could only have the lamp on and read if she was awake, she wasn’t allowed to leave her room or wake anyone else in the house up. Funnily enough after about a week she stopped “waking up” (I suspect she wasn’t going to sleep in the first place, but trying to stay awake so she could play).

Make her room a lovely sanctuary of calm too, no electronics, dark black out curtains, we bought those fake battery powered candles and put lavender on her pillow. Her room was so calm and lovely I wanted to sleep in there myself 😂

Also this “defence” attitude by your DP needs to be called out.
My DP said similar once and I asked him why he felt she needed defending and from what? I bluntly asked why he thought I was attacking her by asking her to clean up after herself? He said it seemed unfair asking her to join in chores when she’s here so I said that’s fine then, but I also won’t do any when she’s here and left him to do absolutely everything for a month or so. Amazingly he then sat everyone down and said we have to pull our weight at the weekends as he was doing it all and it wasn’t fair Luckily the irony of that conversation wasn’t lost on him and he apologised for being a twat previously.
Now we all function a lot better and are a lot happier!

@breastsidestory love this 😂

@BreastSideStory

I agree totally about detaching yourself from it a bit - has worked for me, and really picking my battles.

This could have been me writing this!
My DSS is 9 and doesn't do anything for himself unless prompted (a minimum of 3 times and he will ignore me).
His only responsibilities are make his bed, tidy room, put dirty clothes in the laundry bin and put clean clothes away (that I wash and fold).
He doesn't wash himself, he can't be trusted to brush his teeth unsupervised and he still has to have his shoes tied for him as he doesn't know how to do it despite being taught for 18 months (by me and his 6 year old cousin).
I honestly have to distance myself from it as it's hard to stand by and watch as he is so ill prepared for high school it's worrying.

I quite often get told I am a negative parent in that I'm the one telling him to stop playing rough, clean up messes, reminding of homework etc and I just think I'm being realistic! He gets annoyed that we don't do everything for him like his mum (she does his homework, brushes his teeth and they shared a bath until last year).
DSS quite often throws strops and uses me as a scapegoat between both his parents when he gets in trouble and I have to grin and bear it.

I must admit I have taken to only asking things to be done via or in front of DP so things can't be twisted.

It's hard, it will probably get worse too but I guess at least you're not alone! I've been accused of horrendous things and had awful things said about me but when your DP is on the same side it is a lot easier. Just ask your DP what he expects your role and involvement to be and you tell him what you expect of him.

To answer your question, I don't think you're wrong but your first hurdle is your DP. Once DSS sees you're both in agreement this will get easier.

This is something that comes up time after time on this board. To me it seems to be a huge issue which would have been apparent right at the start of the relationship, or at least when you met the dc and observed them together. I just couldn’t put up with it, and hence why I never got involved in a relationship with someone with DCs. The majority of Dfs will not and do not change their parenting, so you’re generally in it for the long haul. It’s a flaw in the dfs behaviours, and imo you have to manage your own approach to it, detach and pick your battles, or your stress levels and resentment will be through the roof.

One of my DSDs is 14 and has to be reminded to brush her teeth ffs and then she lies about it which has no consequences.

IMO it’s up to her if she has rotten teeth but the lying which DH totally ignores really really pisses me off.

Do all these men who do the guilty parenting expect you to do all the work then?
There's no way, anyone in their right mind would put up with this.
I'd have to tell him to parent or he'd be gone.
Probably why they are other people's x's though.

I'm glad there are others who feel like this I was beginning to think I was being unreasonable to think that SC should do very basic things like clear plates after eating, tidy their own belonging away etc. My SC are slightly older than yours OP, but when we get home after work, SC are usually already at home when with us, but coats, bags, shoes and anything else they will have had to hand before we get in will usually be strewn across the floor. And then they're surprised when they can't find something. To which DH i are then supposed to know where said item is.
They eat with their fingers (this absolutely drives me insane) my 6 and 4 yro eat better than them.
No personal hygiene awareness, have to be forced into shower, they spend much more time in the mornings making sure their hair is perfect rather than actually having a wash or brushing their teeth. My SC are male !!!!!!!
Don't even get me started on their bedtime routine - they are allowed to stay up til midnight and beyond on school night when at their mum's. They have no consideration or respect for others in the house who need to go to sleep. It's ridiculous. Luckily in my case me and DH totally agree on the way they should be parented and how they should behave. The problem is they don't agree!!!!

I have the same experience; I’m all for DSD having fun with us which to me means going out and doing something together or having a movie night etc but I also think that when she comes to ours she almost regresses slightly as I know her mum wouldn’t let her do the things she does here and I know she’s more independent at her mums.
I’ve implemented a few things (such as a vague bed time) and I refuse to pick up after her constantly any more but there are still things that really grate on me

@Livelovebehappy @RomanyQueen1 with all due respect this is a thread for step parents, seeking support from each other. Therefore if you aren’t experienced in being a step parent I kindly ask that you don’t pass comment when you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Everyone else - thank you so much for sharing! It’s good to know it’s common and not just me. Yes he has defended DSD in front of me but last time I sat him down and explained that if he isn’t happy about something I’ve said or done that he should tell me in private so we can discuss it as adults. He apologised and saw my point.
Thing is, I completely understand why he is like this. My own daughter barely sees her dad (his choice) and so I have the benefit of having her around pretty much all the time. DH’s ex left to move in with her other man, took DSD with her and he has always tried his best to see her, contact is completely rigid and controlled by the ex. I understand that he just wants to make the most of the time he has with her, it doesn’t mean he’s a crap parent its just that due to circumstances he prioritises enjoying the short time he sees her rather than doing “normal things”. It doesn’t make it right at all, but just saying I understand - but it doesn’t do DSD any favours long term.
I too have implemented a bed time! Fortunately DSD and I have a good relationship and she seems to respect me so in comparison to some of your experiences I’m lucky in that respect! When I ask her to start doing something (and explain why) she does actually do it. I’m just so glad to hear other step parents who are in the same position! X

I agree with taking a step back. It is frustrating as you obviously feel that you want your DSD to be more independent but most of the things you write about (other than the nightime wanderings) don't have to directly affect you. The getting breakfast thing etc - so long as you are not expected to do it, just let it go. I don't agree with the way he speaks to you about it, but can you have the conversation with him where you agree to let him parent the way he chooses, so long as it doesn't adversely affect you? Eg, if she makes a mess and he doesn't make her clear up, then you expect him to do it.

I was a little similar with my DH/DSS when he was younger - thought DH did far too much for DSS. We had disagreements about it for a while but in the end I largely stepped back and let them do their own thing. I would chat about his life, go on trips out etc but not engage in too much of the actual "parental" decision-making. Obviously if there had been rudeness or anything to me, I wouldn't have let that go, but I left the tidiness/independence stuff etc.

DSS has grown up into a well-mannered, self-sufficient young man. We don't see him often these days as he's at university but when he comes over, DH still likes to make his lunch!

We have two school-aged DC of our own now and l must admit I do quite a few of the things for them that I used to criticise DH for doing for his son. Having my own kids has given me a bit of perspective about the way I assumed things were meant to be. With hindsight, I wish I'd been a bit more easy-going.

Sorry, I meant to add, I think it is probably more difficult for you as you have brought your DC up to do things a certain way and your DSD is doing things differently. I expect that adds an extra layer of difficulty.

I had two step parents (one has now passed away) so I do feel my opinion is relevant from a step child’s POV. I had two very different experiences, so think it’s always good on these boards to come at it from that angle to try and avoid further messed up adults as a result of poor parenting when in blended families. But of course if you would prefer to have only opinions from people who are obviously going to just tell you what you want to hear, that’s up to you, but it doesn’t mean others who have relevant input and experience of being ‘step parented’ should be unable to give their POV.

Diffeeent style of parenting

I grew up very spoilt. Really

I’m now a single working mother of two young children. My house is exceptionally clean and tidy, and I’m very organised.

any time I mention something to DH he causes a massive argument. He becomes so prickly when she’s here, that’s the core problem. None of what you are suggesting to DSD is inappropriate, that’s fine, however the dynamics of your DH undermining you could rock the boat massively. And give DsD the go ahead to ignore you, and ignore anything that contributes to house harmony.

I am also a step child as well as SM. Mucked up kids result from this kind of undermining of your DH. You aren’t nit picking from the sounds of it at alll.

By your DH I meant!