Is anyone a childless step mom?

[sl07]

I am.

My friend (currently pregnant) was also a childless step mom had the comment of: 'Well, you wouldn't understand children as you don't have any yourself".

Is that what people think of childless stepmoms? I find it cruel.

I feel there's stigma attached to childless stepmoms, what's your thoughts?

No two situation of being a 'childless step mother' are the same so no there can't be a blanket answer.

It depends on how much involvement they have (either by choice or perceived obligation)
How much time they've spent with the step children
Ages - if they came into their step children's life when they were of school age, for example, then they probably wouldn't understand some of the nitty gritty new born / toddler stuff

There's just too many variables..

I do think it really depends. I felt confident I knew most about children's behaviour, incentives, triigers before I had mine, but I learned so much as a mum, a number of preconceptions turning out very wrong.

At the same time, you don't have to be a SM to have empathy, be a good listener and get a good sense of balance as to what behaviours are reasonable and which aren't.

I am.
I've had those comments and they children have lived with me and their dad full time for 3 years.
I should imagine there are things that I don't know really about children and babies flummox me as I've had no experience at all. But teenagers... ah I'm developing some serious skills there.

Sorry I forgot to mention they were with just their dad for a whole year before I moved in.

I am, and apart from one random nosey person who asked me why I didn't want my own children (i.e was it through choice or because I couldn't have them!!) I can honestly say I have never had any comments at all.

If anyone is talking about issues with their children, I usually refrain from commenting at all (what do I know?) and simply listen. If I do feel moved to share an experience, I will preface pretty much anything child related with "I don't have my own so I know nothing, but when was about 6..." etc. So perhaps I can empathise without trying to advise, iyswim.

My friends all have children and I am child free by choice, so they can openly share with me and I can happily congratulate them on all their kids achievements. It's been fascinating watching all the babies grow into mature adults, genuinely. I just couldn't cut it as a mum myself.

I am. My friends are all lovely and supportive. But I’ve noticed at work if I join into a conversation at work about children with an anecdote about my DSD it kills the conversation dead. I think the mums there don’t recognise my relationship with my DSD.

My children’s stepmum is lovely and has her head screwed on. She doesn’t have children of her own but I trust her 100% with mine.

Yep I have been told this, it is completely shit and disrespectful, and often completely ignores the positive contribution that stepmothers make to these children's lives. So many childless stepmothers do so much for their stepchildren and then are told that their opinions don't matter, because they haven't had children of their own. Conversely, many biological parents are poor parents. It's more than a bit rich.

Incidentally the partner that told me this is now an ex-partner.

I am a very proud mama to 2 insane dogs, 2 hand reared brat cats, a retired racehorse, the next door neighbours goat who appears to live with us now and I've lost count of how many hens... oh and apparently I'm now feeding the fox in an attempt to stop it feeding on my girls... the dogs are rubbish!!!
All I wanted from life was a home filled with animals who deserved better than they previously got before they firmly landed on their paws in animal hotel aka my house. A fantastic career doing what I love, to travel lots and be surrounded by people I love and possibly at some point in the future meet a financially independent, emotionally stable, incredibly hot guy who's fuckwittery is kept to a minimum and has the ability to keep his cock out of other women.
At no point did I ever want children and even less than that did I want someone else's children!!!
My ability to take my pill in time every day for 20 plus years makes me a selfish, up my own arse, uncaring bitch who is clearly incapable of feeling love or intense feelings towards anything but myself and further more I clearly have issues that a doctor might be able to fix.. like a new womb or shock therapy.
There is a stigma attached to step mums... childless or not and to be honest I'm not at the forefront of the fight paving the way for women everywhere to change attitudes towards us... I'm the woman who leaves my fella at home on a Saturday night with his kid playing video games to drink wine with the girls. I'm the woman who doesn't cook when his child is here or clean up or provide free child care or do homework or get involved with issues that don't concern me... I'm far too busy for that shit! I'm not a stepmum, I'm dad's girlfriend who does fun stuff with us when she's not too busy and who is teaching child to ride, again when not too busy. This works... amazingly the kid really likes me. Would I miss him if he wasn't there? Not a clue, probably not if I'm honest... do I love him? No! Might I given enough time... maybe, who knows.
Either way it's no one else's business so exercise your middle finger a bit more and stick to all the jealous idiots who only say horrible things to you because they desperately miss Sunday morning lie ins and their roots haven't been touched for about as long as their fanny hasn't...

Before I had my DD a friend made a comment that it’s different when they’re your own etc and I was a bit upset by it but now I understand what she meant as while I love my DSD it is different with my DD and I don’t feel bad about that as DSD has a mum who loves her in that way.
I felt like I knew what I was talking about with DSD as I’d worked with children but I didn’t fully appreciate the emotional impacts such as how hard it is to ignore them when they’re having a tantrum as a parent, I only saw that it worked.
I also think that I was probably a better stepmum before I had my DD.

@furbabymama83 love that comment

Most parents only have experience of their own kids so they're no experts either (yes, you DH!).

I’m childless and my DP has children. Right now I wouldn’t describe myself as a step mum (despite having known his children for more than a decade).
I’m not childless by choice. Recently someone told me about a wedding they’d been to where the priest had said something along the lines of ‘you’re probably all wondering what a catholic priest knows about marriage and I may not have experienced it but the referee in a football match isn’t playing but he can see everything that’s going on’
That story has stuck with me. I may not have children but precisely because of that I can see what’s going on with (IMO) a much greater clarity than the parents who are often blind to their own behaviour and the behaviour of their children. Sure, I don’t know what it’s like to deliver a baby. I have no idea what it must feel like to be overwhelmed by love when you hold your child for the first time. I don’t know anything about how hard and tiring and challenging it is to be a parent. But I still think I have something valuable to contribute.
I think that we’ve all become so much more mobile than a couple of generations ago that parenting has become a singular activity when in fact it should be collective. It takes a village to raise a child not just a couple of parents who (through not fault of their own) often can’t see the wood from the trees.
Sermon over I’ll step down from the soap box.

Hi all,

Totally new to this.

I’m a childless stepmum and after having the children at the weekend I feel completely drained. More so than usual.

I have been with my other half for 2 years now and we are getting married this year. He has two children (boy aged 6 and girl aged 4 and a half) from a previous relationship who we have every other weekend.

The boy is like my best friend, so lovely and such a warm personality. The girl on the other hand is the exact opposite with me. I do everything I can for them, buy them nice clothes, toys and books. I make them nice food, but with the girl I feel like I can never win. She wont wear clothes that I took her out to buy and she picked. And when she knows that I’ve made food, she refuses to eat it.

My OH seems to have this picture in his head that we should all be one happy family when they are with us, for example that we should all sit on the same sofa together whilst watching tv etc. However, I feel that there are some issues which need to be resolved, before that ‘picture’ could even be considered.

I understand that when the children are there they need time with just their dad, so I do try and give them that, however my OH keeps saying that he feels I distance myself when the children are there. I do, so they can have their time together, but also subconsciously probably for selfish reasons too. Those reasons being that I’m not prepared to fight for my OH’s attention with a little girl. If I am sat next to him, she has to come and sit between us. If I am talking to him, she has to come and start asking him things. If he comes into a room to to see me, she has to follow. I feel like a spare and unwanted part.

I have tried talking to him about this a few times and about the way she behaves with me. Usually I get “She’s 4, she doesn’t know how to look at someone funny” or similar remarks. On Saturday, he started the conversation by saying I’d distanced myself, and I tried to explain why. He then talked about the “Electra complex” which made me think that he was aware of when was going on and would be a bit more supportive. But when we went out yesterday things didn’t change, and when I tried speaking to her and she didn’t reply, rather then saying to her “come on, speak to ...” when I asked her the question a second time he said “She nodded her head”. She started whinging at something with her brother and so I told both of them to behave, but my OH obviously thought I was aiming something at her because he snapped “it wasn’t her it was him”.

I feel emotionally drained today. My OH and I have an amazing life together, then we hit a child weekend and I feel like this after.

I don’t have any friends in a similar situation and I’m just hoping for a little bit of advice on how to cope with this, or how to get my OH to listen to how it is affecting me (I can’t actually believe I’m letting a 4 year old make me feel this way!) as I’m concerned that eventually it will affect us as a couple :(.

TIA xx

@Drained87 and indeed everyone who feels like this... stop it!
Please just stop it!!! Stop wasting your time and energy and emotional wellbeing on someone else's children they are simply not worth it.
My OH accused me of distancing myself and not being interested in his child and not loving him the way he wants me too...
Here's the thing... I don't love his child and that's ok because it's not my child
I don't do anything domistically for his child like cook or whatever and that's ok because he's not my child.
I get home from work on a Friday when he's there and I do what I do every other night... open a bottle of wine and have a bath and that's ok because I dont have a child to look after or entertain and I don't need to stay sober enough to drive if there's an accident. If I want to go out I go out, it's not me that has to sort out childcare and when we go out as a three some there's none of this shit that we don't sit next to each other or hold hands because his kids there. When his child is in our home we are still the same people, I have my spot on the sofa and OH has his as we all do. The first time his son came to visit he sat in my spot, I told him to move as that's my spot. I know some people are going to have lots to say about that but the point is it's my house and everyone that comes into my house fits in around me and my OH not the other way round. When the new dog arrived the old dog told the new one that this is my bed and no one has a problem with that especially not the dogs.
Once your partner's understand that you are not there to cook and clean for someone else's spawn they soon shape up and this in turn shapes the kid up. Be clear about what you expect in your house, communicate this to both parent and child and then exercise the consequences of their actions when expectations are not met. And that's the key... exercise the consequences... change the Wi-Fi password, remove them from the room, kick them out.. whatever your consequences for not meeting your expectations are then see them through. If your OH cheated on you or bankrupted you through gambling or whatever there'd be consequences for that so why are there no consequences for making you feel like shit and in your own home for God's sake!!!
I see my friends going mad crazy because everyone expects them to be maids to these children and I tell them to stop all the time but they never do and it never gets any better for them. Even my OH ex has said to my OH that I should do more to help out with childcare when he's there so I sent her a contract detailing hourly rates of what I'd expect to be paid to offer said childcare and she soon got the point too.
If you let yourself be treated like shit you will be treated like shit. If you hold your head up high and say this is what I'm worth then they can try to pull you down but it will never work.
I'm not saying I've got it all worked out but I've got most of it worked for me and it really doesn't bother me when people recoil when I tell them of how we work it out in our house. My OH knows he can leave at any point as do I and we choose to put each other first and we're pretty happy and if his child isn't happy then that's my OHs problem. Stop putting up with shit from your men and their kids and put them in their bloody places. You'll be much happier and the relationship will be better and the atmosphere at home will be fantastic.

I've been a childless step-mom for 8yrs.. My two DSS were 2 and not even born when OH and I got back together after a 4yr hiatus...

I love my son's with every bone in me and care for them in the same way any biological mother does. I cook, I clean, I do homework and I watch all the Marvel / Star Wars movies my OH and their mum hate!

I don't have the best relationship with OH ex, but there's more history than just their relationship and the kids so I let it go over my head.

The boys and me are great and although I've had comments from their mum and others about my lack of knowledge of being a 'mum' it's our relationship that matters. The boys know I can't have my own children easily and I've explained IVF to them. They are so loving and will constantly tell me I'm their 'other mummy' and that I'll always have them (hence my name on here)

I thought I knew what it was to be a parent, until I actually had children. I have looked after, cared for and helped raise my SCs but having your own biological children is completely different.
My heart overflows with love for DP and my SCs, and I don’t love them any less than my own DCs but (and it’s a massive but) my love for them is conditional, whereas for my biological children it is unconditional.
That’s the main difference. It is the fact I grew them, birthed them, fed and loved them everyday of their lives. They are literally a part of me, grown from my own cells.
When they are mean to me (as kids can be at times) I am secure in their love and I know there’s nothing they could say or do which would make me love them any less. DP and the SCs, however, are a different story. If they treated me badly or grew up to be murderers or something totally unforgivable then my love for them could be turned off.

The all encompassing, overwhelming love you feel for your biological children is like nothing else. It’s a natural instinct to feel this way, without it humans would not have survived as a species.

It’s not people being mean or insensitive saying there are certain things you don’t understand if you’ve not had children, because there are many. Childless stepmums have my utmost respect and I think it’s wonderful when anyone can show that much love to a child that isn’t theirs, but it is different to being a biological parent.

@furbabymama83 I 100% agree with your post too

I’m a childless step mum and have never had anyone say anything like that to me. Then again, I have my DSS 2-3 times a week and have known him for 4 years, there’s some things I understand but I tend not to get involved in conversations that would lead to a comment like that I guess.

Hi. I know exactly how you feel. My partner and have been together for nearly 2 years. He has 2 children from previous relationship and his 10 year old daughter acts exactly in the same way you described! I know exactly how it feels! It hurts more as you try hard to make things work and often being rejected or ignored in return.
Its a really hard and thankless job. And despite what many people think it’s not easy or natural to care or love someoneelses children. It seems your SD is jealous of her dad and clearly (and understandably) he is very productive of her. I think it’s important to make her feel that you are not a threat to her and that she feels happy and secure with you and you partner(I know easier said than done). I think you should tell him how you fee (in a getle way) as it up to him to ensure that his children treat you with respect. Equally, you should also stand your ground and don’t put up with crap as this will only make things worse. It’s a key that you and your partner are on the same page!
Good luck and take care of yourself.
Ps. I found this book very helpful: “ stepmonster” by Wednesday Martin.

This was in response to drained87

Wow furbabymama, the OP must have really touched a nerve.

No time to address all your batshittery but in your last few sentences alone I can tell you once they get out of toddlerhood you get your lie-ins back, 2. I've never needed to dye my hair and 3. Let's just say everything's er fine there too. Now take your meds?