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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Widow, mother, step children and pregnant help

16 replies

Crazybird84 · 30/01/2019 19:13

Where do I start I really need some advice. I was widowed years ago and had two beautiful children by him. The last 4 years I have been on and off with my partner and six months ago we decided to move in together with my two children. He has two as well and when we’re togther all of it’s it great I love it. Well here’s the problem I’m a full time uni student dedicated to finishing my course and I have just over one year left. Cut the story short I’ve fell pregnant he’s really excited but I’m not. Reasons being I’m not because he had a child sulk because he didn’t want to be called dad by my children who have no father and his behaviour has been a bit all over the place as in doing what he wants when he wants not much support to my children at all. Now he’s begging me to keep the baby and I constantly feel sick with anxiety as I know il be let down and doing it on my own and what if in the future we split up and then he has contact with his child and leaves my two children out I don’t think I could cope with that. Please does anybody else see this differently as I’ve had enough and haven’t found anybody else in this position being widowed.

OP posts:

BreastSideStory · 30/01/2019 19:58

How do you feel about the actual baby? Do you want another child?
If the answer is no then in these circumstances I would consider not having the baby.
Your children sound vulnerable and you aren’t in a loving supportive relationship by the sounds of it. You’re at uni... you need to finish your studies.

How do you honestly feel about your partner?

Original poster

Crazybird84 · 30/01/2019 20:45

I don’t want to regret not having the baby and I’m just thinking the worst of parenting on my own it would be seriously hard. He says he wants to be together and be a family but I don’t trust he won’t go off on his wobbles again and leave me to it. We originally did try for a baby it was this recent wobbles that made me see his true colours this time and has made me question the situation and abilities. I really determined to finish uni regardless. The trouble is I love him and he knows that and I think he uses that to try to manipulate me but I just don’t want to regret getting rid of baby but I also don’t want to bring one into an insecure relationship. Then I question myself as I hear it makes couples stronger sometimes but I wouldn’t want a baby for that. I do picture being with the baby but then have such doubts flood in with myself looking after it on my own. Ahhhhh constant battle with myself. Thank you for replying

OP posts:

Bosabosa · 30/01/2019 20:50

Hi, I really feel for you and haven’t any advice except I really don’t believe having a baby makes a wobbly relationship stronger .
And I find the fact you think he uses the fact you love him ‘against you’ as it were, really concerning.
I hope there is someone in real life you can talk this through with

Original poster

Crazybird84 · 30/01/2019 21:13

I think I will go to my well-being centre tomorrow at uni and see if anybody is available. I just don’t want the guilt of abortion for the rest of my life but I don’t want a child on my own either. Thank you for replying

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2019 22:01

How far along are you?

I’m sorry you’re feeling so conflicted, you’re in a tough spot. You can’t keep a baby you’re not sure you want now because he’s putting pressure on you to, when it’s his behaviour that’s creating your doubts.

Do you think you’ll be able to resolve the issues between you, whether or not you go ahead with the pregnancy? Does he not want to be dad to your children out of consideration for his own? If so, I can understand that. It probably feels impossible but I’d try and separate the pregnancy from the other issues. So don’t try and ignore the disagreements because you’re pregnant, and have a think about where the relationship would be going if it hadn’t happened. Is he supporting you and your children while you study? What’s your housing situation? Just to establish how stable you’re feeling in the current set up.

It’s absolutely okay to prioritise your existing children and education if that’s what feels most manageable. He’s not currently making you feel settled and secure and that’s not a basis for adding to your family unit, which already includes two sets of children who’ve experienced a lot of change in their lives. Having a baby won’t bring you closer together unless he really changes his behaviour, and you won’t be able to know if that’s likely to happen. I really feel for you

Original poster

Crazybird84 · 31/01/2019 06:47

I think your absolutely spot on and that’s how I am thinking really. I don’t want to get swept away by all the nice baby ideas then reality hits it would be a complete gamble having this baby. We have a secure home I’m just terrified of us splitting up as that’s what happened to me before so it’s kind of stuck with me throughout as when my husband died suddenly I found he was having several affairs so now I expect that of every man.

OP posts:

LovingLola · 31/01/2019 06:49

How old are your children?

Original poster

Crazybird84 · 31/01/2019 16:55

They are 5-8

OP posts:

Anuta77 · 01/02/2019 03:30

I once fell pregnant when I was a student and a single mom and my relationship wasn't stable, so I made the decision to end it. A few years later, when my relationship and my financial situation were more stable, I had my second child and everybody is happy. I'm a much better mother now than what I would have been as a poor student with 2 kids without a father.
Your children are still very young and need you, if you don't feel stable in your relationship, if having another baby is not your dream right now, you will probably be stressed about the relationship, about your future, etc.
About your late husband's affairs, you shouldn't project what he did into your other relationships, but if you don't trust your boyfriend for other reasons, think about it well. You say that he manipulates you, freaks out when your children call him "dad", is this what you want for yourself and your children?

Original poster

Crazybird84 · 01/02/2019 22:19

Thank you for your reply

OP posts:

Grobagsforever · 03/02/2019 07:47

Hi @Crazybird84. I'm widowed too, my kids are 4 and 8, DH died 2014. The scenario you describe is why I will never have more children, the risk of splitting up and the consequences of that. Honestly my love, I'd consider termination if you're not 100 percent sure. Our lives are hard brought. PM me if you want.

donajimena · 03/02/2019 07:54

Only you can make the decision but I decided against another child after finding myself a lone parent with two. I just knew no matter how good a relationship seems that it could always go wrong.
There is also no longer a safety net of government help with a third child should you unexpectedly find yourself holding the baby. No one has a child for tax credits but it was a godsend if you were left high and dry.

BasinHaircut · 03/02/2019 08:11

I’m not sure I understand the issue here?

You were in and off for 4 years but only moved in together 6 months ago, yet you expect your children to call him dad? Seems a bit early in he relationship (between them and him) for that IMO and I wouldn’t be comfortable with that either if it was me.

How does he treat your children? How does he treat his own children? That’s the marker to measure him by surely?

Ultimately it’s your choice and if you don’t want another child then that’s ok, but thinking the worst of him just because he doesn’t want to be called ‘dad’ by your children after only 6 months living together is a bit irrational.

Original poster

Crazybird84 · 03/02/2019 08:13

You are so right I think I’m just going to make life much harder for myself and my children and I should concentrate on bringing them up and having a good life that way. Thank you for your reply’s x

OP posts:

Bluewidow · 03/02/2019 08:18

I’m a widow and i have a completely different view to you. I could never have my children (7 and 10) call another man dad. They still have a dad he just can’t be here with us. Have you asked him why he didn’t want to be called dad? Perhaps he would find it uncomfortable out of respect for your late husband? But I would also never even introduce them to another man either.

You said that when your all together everything is great. Your making an assumption that you would be left to do everything by yourself . You can’t possibly know this. He’s only just moved in so won’t haveformed that step father relationship with them yet they you desire- that will take time.

giantnannyknickers · 03/02/2019 09:08

I think you need to speak to someone to help you make that choice on your own. There are some good resources online which go through all the options, if you have a google.

Can I ask why you don't trust him? That would be a big red flag for me. There seems to be something in your gut telling you to be weary and you're not 100% listening to that. Why?

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