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I am at the end of my tether. This is a long rant, for which I apologise in advance.
My DP has not had any contact with 10 year old SD for 6 months or so. SD has told DP that she does not want to see him because he chose me instead of the family. her mother claims she does not want to force her to see him because that would be betraying her.
DP did leave the ex for me. They had had a very tempestuous relationship for the 2 or 3 years before he met me, by all accounts. However from the outset he has maintained contact with SD and has made clear that he wants to be as big a part of her life as possible.
When he first left the ex (2 years ago, now) she tried every guilt trip in the book to get him back including a threat of suicide on Christmas eve. He went back to her to try and stabilise the situation, as he felt responsible for SD, who was bearing the brunt of her mother's irrational, unstable behaviour, and who would have been left without a mum if she had carried out her threat. I don't think she would have done it, but at the time it seemed possible that she would, her behaviour is so irrational.
Then 6 months later, he went back again, cos her behaviour and what she was doing, through SD, to punish him, was so awful. He felt so, so guilty for poor SD, he thought he should go back and suffer the ex, for SD's sake. Everyone told him it was the last thing he should do, but he did it anyway. He was in a very low state, unable to think sensibly. It was like he just shut out everyone including me. I was devastated. Needless to say, after 2 weeks, he realised again he had made another big mistake. He realised it was not in SD's best interests for him to stay with the ex simply to avoid her screwing up her daughter. It would never work. However, his coming and going, although well intentioned, must have been extremely confusing and upsetting for SD.
Anyway, he and I moved in together, and SD was coming to stay with us EOW for 6 or 7 months. Although we had some problems with her (mostly jealous, insecure behaviour- understandable, especially when her dad had been home and left, twice!), I was trying to help to reassure her, and things were definitely improving. She seemed to enjoy doing things with me and I made a big effort to make her feel loved and included. I was becoming fond of her.
Then, for no aparent reason, she suddenly announced she was not going to come to stay with us anymore because she hated me living with her dad . This progressed to refusing to do ANYTHING with her dad. Not even go out for tea, or swimming or anything they used to do. They had, up till then, had an excellent relationship.
DP dotes on SD , and she clearly loved him too. Although, being an only child, and having lived in a home where her parents didn't get on, she would never have had to share him her dad with anyone. I had always made sure I let them have loads of time alone together, and told SD on a few occasions that I would never come between her and her dad. However, we know that her mum is always telling her otherwise and has done her best to ruin the good relationship they had.
She has already told SD her dad left because her didn't love THEM enough. He has tried talking to SD, but (1) is rubbish at talking about issues and (2) is always scared of the ex's reaction to everything, and the implicatons. You have no idea what this woman will do to get back at him. She is a law unto herself. Every day he receives texts from her saying he has destroyed his daughter's life and how now he is getting what he deserves.
Mediation has failed- the ex won't make any effort to insist that SD has contact with her dad.
Meanwhile DP is in the depths of depression at the thought that he is completely helpless and his daughter doesn't want to know him.
Does anyone have any suggestions? he keeps going to her school events and anything he can attend he does. But she is just rude to him. He is so so upset, and I think it's going to ruin our relationship as he can't see anything positive in his life at all.
I feel so confused, and helpless and so guilty at how this poor child's head has been messed up, when things could have been so different.