DSD refuses to say thank you

[PooleySpooley]

DSD is 14. Up until recently I have had a really good relationship with her, I have been around for 10 years.

She is a typical teenager, pretty moody, doesn’t want to do anything (activity wise) and she is glued to her mobile phone (a whole other thread).

I have 3 almost grown up children myself so am well versed with teenagers.

Thing is she just refuses to say thank you for anything and it is doing my head in.

I always make an effort to make nice meals when they are here and they are really good eaters. DH, DS and DSD2 will always say thanks at the end of a meal and DSD just sits there.

They have forgotten school ties and texted me asking me to post them which I have but never a text to say they have arrived or a thanks - only from DSD2 when prompted by DH.

Christmas she opened all her presents from us but not one thank you until I prompted her.

She has decided not to come this weekend so I texted her yday (saying I hope everything is ok?) and she didn’t bother replying.

I know it’s petty but ARGH!!! I wouldn’t put up with it from any of my kids and it’s almost like she is going out of her way to be rude.

Hmmm, could just be thoughtlessness. Does she say please at least?

She has to be prompted

Rings a bell and rebember shouting out quite a, few 'you're welcome'. DS was much worse than DD. He is now 16 and the thank yous without prompting are starting to come in. I'm away this weekend, texted him to ask if he was OK, not only did I get a reply within 10 mns saying he's OK, but actually asking If I'm OK too and joking wondering where I've gone. That's a first!

Just remind her as gently as you can bear it and the time will come when she does it of her own accord.

Stop doing anything when she asks and tell her why. “I’m not interested in doing anything for someone who doesnt have the manners to thank me.” Repeat repeat repeat. She can either go without or relapse what she needs to do.

realise

My four stepkids are like this too. Not just with me. With everyone. They don't ever say please or thank you at all. Never say thank you to any family for Christmas or birthday presents unless prompted.

It all goes really downhill from about 13 onwards ... by 16/17, they seem to come out the other side and normality sets in!!!

I am a bit anal about manners tbf but it’s how I was brought up and how my kids have been brought up and it makes me cringe when we are out. DH isn’t rude and neither is DSD2 so I have no idea what’s going on with her.

It probably is teenage mardiness but IMO it’s no excuse (some others on MN seem to think everything can be excused from ages 13-18).

I remember taking back a chocolate bar I had bought for my adult stepson because he didn't say thank you. He was outraged, because why should he say it? I said why should I waste my money on something nice for him when he was a mannerless little git and he never did get that chocolate. Don't let her away with this and get your DH on side. He should be correcting her manners anyway. Stop doing favours for her. Cheeky little cow.

She may be doing it to get attention and cause drama so try ignoring her lack of manners for a little while as that may get to her. If she texts saying she forgot her tie just say ..oh its here for you next weekend you come. Do not send it on.
So pull back on little helpful touches but don't go head to head on the thank you thing as she will be too proud to back down.

What’s her mums approach to manners? My DSD doesn’t say thank you after meals or when given presents; I’m not entirely sure she even says thank you when given something she specifically asks for. I know that comes from her mums approach though so I don’t take it personally although it does bug me when I’ve spent a lot of money on presents not to get some acknowledgement

Hmmm. My nephew when he turned about 13/14, forgot his manners. Via text, in person etc. Yes I’d correct him and mildly pull him up but on the whole I just laughed it off. Didn’t take any ofnit personally. Still fed him, told him I loved him and basically just ignored his teen behaviour.
Why? He’s my nephew and he’s been in and out of my house and stayed with me on/ off since he was a baby.

He’s 17 and coming out the other end and is now reappearing as a thoughtful, kind, lovely young man. With thank Yous and everything. Did my approach work? Yes. Categorically yes.

Now don’t get me wrong. At no point was he rude, or disrespectful. But he would need a reminder to say ‘thank you Aunty for my lovely supper’ and id get a grunted, half hearted thank you in response. Pick your battles with teens.

My DSM (ace) never did whatever it was again if we didn't thank. So next time they forget something you'll not be sending hers. It's fine to be petty about this stuff imho.

My stepchild is very sweet and never goes out of his way to be rude but does not say thank you unless prompted, my bio family and child say please and thank you all the time and we have always been very affectionate..this is something I have always instilled because I was brought up this way. In our house my stepson is prompted to say please and thank you, move after himself, help cook etc all to help him become more independent

However his mum's house is very different to ours, he gets everything brought to him, has his shoes tied, still gets washed by mum, is treat like a small child still

All you can do is stick to the rules of your household and reinforce them, if she is unwilling to use her manners then stop doing the extra nice things you do for her

Also at Xmas i was excited to give my stepson his presents, as each present was opened he said.. wow I've now got 5 of these, I have 3 of these at my mum's now I have 6, can i take these to mums because then i will have 10 etc (not sure If this is something all 8 year olds do? But this did not sit well with me and would rather a thank you

All you can do is guide them and love them but do not put up with what you wouldn't from your own children.. manners cost nothing

I think being excited by a present is enough as that reaction is another way of saying thank you. They are not robots so it doesn't need to literally be the words..THANK YOU. Any appreciation is good.

@junebirthdaygirl so it's very normal to be doing this. All kids are different aren't they, like you say not robots and when they are intwo different houses with two sets of rules it must be confusing at times. I never had to deal with my parents separating so have absolutely no idea how this is for a child... must get difficult for them.

Its ungratefulness thats an issue. Doesn't sound ungrateful or demanding ..just excited. I would be delighted with that. Go with the heart not a formula.

Excited?

Did she used to say it and has stopped, or has she never said it and now it's become more of an issue for you ?

If the former it might be a small act of teenage rebellion. Hopefully her rebellion will begin and end with small scale stuff.

If the latter, what has caused your irritation to rise in the face of a consistent lack of what passes for basic manners in your home ?

She used to say it but seems to be going through a particularly difficult (for me) stage at the moment!