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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Everything is a mess!

21 replies

anxiousmumma2 · 25/01/2019 10:35

Right this is going to be long and I do apologise. I'll try explain the best I can...

My daughters dad isn't on the birth certificate. We werent together when she was born being the main reason. She's now 9 and he's asked a few times to be on it. The past few times I've told him no simply because he hasn't put the effort in that a dad should (another long story).. Well now hes looking at solicitors and getting a court order to be allowed on the birth certificate.

After alot of thinking I will allow him on it, but me and my partner are getting married in April and I'd like him to have Parental Responsibility too. I know if my daughters dad gets on the BC he won't allow my partner to have PR.

Basically I just want to know how long the whole solicitor and mediation/court order takes?
Is there anything I can get in place to make sure my daughter stays with me?
I am petrified of something happening to me and my daughter having to live with her dad.. I know 110% she doesn't and wouldn't be happy with him. Not only would that take her away from her sister, it'll be away from her school, her home town, her family...

My head is a mess and I just can't get it all straight!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HeckyPeck · 25/01/2019 11:06

I’m not sure how long the processes take or the legal side of things.

Could you placate your ex and say you’re making arrangements to get it sorted, (or delay court proceedings etc) until after your wedding so you can get the PR for your partner in place before the birth certificate?

Doyoumind · 25/01/2019 11:11

I don't think you can sort this in the way you want to. He will get added to the birth certificate and he will have a say about your DH having PR.

You would be best to post in legal matters for proper advice.

weekendninja · 25/01/2019 11:21

Without knowing exactly what had gone on in the past, have you encouraged your daughter and her DF to spend time in a father/daughter relationship? It sounds like you're reluctant to let this happen.

My DP - in my opinion - is far superior than my DS's DF. He indulges them in their hobbies, helps with homework, cooks them healthy meals and takes time out with them, however, he's not their dad. Their own dad is far more selfish and less generous with his time/money/everything...but that's the way it is. There's nothing I can do to change that.

And with something happening to You, have you been diagnosed with an illness that may shorten your life?

Original poster

anxiousmumma2 · 25/01/2019 11:35

I know if this goes to court they will allow him on the birth certificate. I know that. I can give my partner PR before he goes on the birth certificate. Then once he's on the birth certificate there's nothing he can do about my partner having PR.

He can be a good dad when he wants to be. It's just so on and off and effort when he feels like putting effort in. My partner is amazing with her and has been for the past 7 years hense why I'd love him to have PR aswell.

I don't have an illness. Just one of those things that goes round in my head every now and then. I suffer with anxiety so it worries me more than it should.

OP posts:

SummerGems · 25/01/2019 11:39

You need to seek legal advice. Even giving your partner pr is not as straightforward as it seems if her father is still in the picture even if he’s not on the BC.

At any rate he could as part of his request to go on her birth certificate, get your partner’s PR removed.

But seek legal advice.

Original poster

anxiousmumma2 · 25/01/2019 11:44

I have read that he can't cancel my partners PR without my permission. It has to be an agreement made by all.. And I already know I can give my partner PR

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 25/01/2019 11:48

Ultimately you chose to have a baby with him and he is her dad. He will always be her dad. It's not as easy as deciding you would like someone else to act as her dad.

Original poster

anxiousmumma2 · 25/01/2019 11:54

Oh wow hold on! That is not what I am saying! I have never ever stopped contact and I have never made it seem like I'm replacing him.
Your comment was rude and not needed. It's him who makes minimal contact. Just when he feels like it. He couldn't even tell me what school she goes to. He's never been to a parents evening. He makes his family do the running around for him. So how dare you make that comment.
I'm not replacing anyone. He will always be her dad. Always. My partner also deserves just as much of a say on her life. Henae why I'd like him to have PR.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 25/01/2019 12:02

My DC's dad is not a good dad. I also wish I could shield my DC from his shit parenting. Unfortunately the law doesn't work like that. You said you were worried what would happen if you died. It's quite possible that a court would award custody to her father even if your DH had PR.

SummerGems · 25/01/2019 12:11

The thing is that you are looking to replace him. You have thus far blocked him from being on the birth certificate and have only agreed to it once he has said that he’ll take you to court.

And now you want to stall some more so you can give your partner PR.

I get the fact that you don’t think he’s a decent father to your child, but he is her father. When you choose to have a baby with someone you don’t get to choose to exclude them from being allowed to make decisions over their life just because you don’t approve of the kind of parent they are.

If you died your ex would very likely be granted residency of your DD, and the reality is that your partner may choose not to remain in your DD’s life especially if he moved on and entered into a relationship with someone else.

TooSassy · 25/01/2019 12:29

Get legal advice. You can marry and give your partner PR. But I’m pretty sure that as a father with PR, the child’s father has more rights. Unless your DO/ DH adopts your child.....

ohreallyohreallyoh · 25/01/2019 12:32

And I already know I can give my partner PR

Who has told you that? PR is a legal 'thing' that can be 'given' to an adult other than the parents on the birth certificate through both parents agreeing (not one) or by court order. He doesn't get PR of your child just because you marry him.

SummerGems · 25/01/2019 12:43

I do know someone who had a child where the father was neither on the birth certificate or involved in the child’s life in any way.

When she got married to her now DH she talked of how the DH would be adopting her child. He wasn’t able to due to the father not being contactable in order to relinquish his parental rights even though he didn’t have pr due to not being on the child’s birth certificate. And similarly he wasn’t able to be given PR. PR can only be given if both parents are in agreement.

If you died and your DD was old enough her wishes may be taken into account when deciding on her residency. But legally it’s likely that residency would be granted to her father, unless for instance he wasn’t involved in her life or e.g. if she had siblings born from your current marriage.

SandyY2K · 25/01/2019 12:46

Whether or not he has put the effort in... he is her father and her BC should reflect that.

Why should the father section of her BC be left blank.

She's not a possession that belongs to you and you're trying to deny his legal right.

It's not fair that if anything happened to you, he will get ousted because your DP continues with the belief he's a useless dad.

Doyoumind · 25/01/2019 12:47

PR is different to adoption though. I believe if OP is the only parent with PR she can consent alone to PR for her DH. The problem is that won't trump the father's rights.

ArnoldBee · 25/01/2019 12:52

And what happens if you split up from your partner and he has pr? Your child could be involved in a 3 way disagreement between all these people with pr. Isn't it best to keep it simple?

Itsallpeachyfornow · 25/01/2019 20:55

Her REAL father should be on the birth certificate in my opinion it is not up to You to decide.

He may not be the dad you want him to be but she will grow up and see that for herself if that is the case

feralfanny · 28/01/2019 16:36

You sound very selfish and controlling
Who are you to 'allow' him to go on her birth certificate? He's her dad and he should be on there - whatever his parenting style.
Imagine if he didn't agree with how you were bringing her up and got you taken off the birth certificate and gave his wife PR to your child?

Blendingrock · 28/01/2019 20:57

Just to throw a spanner in the works here, sooner or later your DD will want to know about her father, whether he's on the birth certificate or not You don't say how much contact they have, but I'm guessing it's not much. If you make contact difficult, she will go behind your back to find out what she wants to know.

One of my friends had a child with a drop kick dead beat who left her when their baby was 9 months old, lets call the baby A. He had no contact after that. My friend never hid anything from A but wasn't forthcoming either. When A became a teenager they decided to track down and meet the father, without my friend's knowledge. It didn't go well. However, A had needed to know who their father was. NEEDED to see that side of their gene pool, warts and all and had felt incomplete not knowing.

Leaving aside your personal feelings for your ex, I think he should be on the birth certificate. Not because I think for one moment that he and your daughter will ride off into the sunset and play happy families without you, but because your daughter has a right to know who fathered her and indeed as she gets older, she will have a bone deep need to know, warts and all, and be able to make her own decisions about what sort of person he is.

MummEE2 · 30/01/2019 19:14

Her biological father should be on birth certificate whether you like it or not. He is the dad-you had the baby with him! You are actually messing with your child's identity

TacoLover · 30/01/2019 19:28

When you choose to have a baby with someone you don’t get to choose to exclude them from being allowed to make decisions over their life just because you don’t approve of the kind of parent they are. If you died your ex would very likely be granted residency of your DD, and the reality is that your partner may choose not to remain in your DD’s life especially if he moved on and entered into a relationship with someone else.

This

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