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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Partner no bio children of his own-anybody the same?

44 replies

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 00:29

Hi all
Love finding out more about blended families ☺ Just wondering if any of you are similar to us in that whilst I have two children (8 and 11), fiance has no biological children of his own. We have my boys for half of the time as I share custody with my ex. Fiance was married previously and they did very much want children, but sadly his ex wife was not able to carry 😢
I know deep down my fiance would love a child of his own but I'm 38 and we are not in a financial position for this to be viable unfortunately.
He's an amazing role model to my kids and I feel very fortunate that he is a part of our little crew ☺

OP posts:

Original poster

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 21:20

@Desmond 2016 awww that's lovely! What made you change your mind? It's not that in an ideal world we wouldn't consider it, we just can't in our current position.

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Original poster

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 21:22

My question is still this...there are four of us currently in a small two bed. How would it work if we added to this number?

OP posts:

HerondaleDucks · 25/01/2019 21:25

If you do not want or cannot afford another child. Then don't have one! But you should make that clear to your partner. If he's fine with the idea of never having a child of his own then it's fine right??

Desmondo2016 · 25/01/2019 21:27

We were a little fortunate i guess that we both earned decent money and had a good size family home and my 2 of my 3 had moved out freeing up even more space. Basically had a xmas where it was the first one in 20 years that i didnt have a child who believed in Santa and I just wasn't ready to give that up lol! Came off the pill and my so called completely infertile dh got me upduffed by April lol.

Please don't let financials and practical be an automatic barrier. Maybe there's an option. And tbh things have a habit of just working themselves out.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 21:31

If he wants to be with me he has to be OK with it because it's unlikely I will ever win the lottery! If he isn't then he'll have to find someone else more wealthy and/or younger! I have suggested this to him on numerous ocassions but he says he has no intentions of leaving so he's stuck with me love him!

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Original poster

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 21:33

We did talk about adoption one day (say in five years or so if we're able to afford it) but that would require a spare room!

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Original poster

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 21:34

@Desmondo2016 Aw that's such a happy ending ❤ x

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HerondaleDucks · 25/01/2019 21:40

I've seen your other post. You clearly need to talk to your partner about a lot more than never having children if you're refusing to wear your engagement ring because you can't afford to get married.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 21:42

I never said I was refusing to wear it?

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Sisterlove · 25/01/2019 21:43

This is the situation with my brother and his wife. He has 3 DC from a previous marriage.

SIL doesn't. It's not finances that is the problem. It's her not being able to have one. She met him too late in her late 30s.

That's something out of anybody's control.

It all depends on why one isn't having kids. I can understand how it would be a struggle on your combined salary though.

Giesabreak · 25/01/2019 21:45

he'll have to find someone else more wealthy and/or younger!

No, just someone who doesn't already have two kids to support.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 21:45

Yes it is mostly financial but we both understand that I am 38 now (with a history of recurrent mc) so time is not on our side either.

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Original poster

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 21:48

@Giesabreak Fortunately for us all he sees my boys as a bonus and not a burden. He's fab with them! I know a lot of people looking for a relationship perhaps don't see single parents and their children in that way though...

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BabyYawns · 25/01/2019 21:55

@Sisterlove people can still have babies in their late 30s! In fact more and more women are

Giesabreak · 25/01/2019 22:00

I am a single parent. That's not what my post was inferring.

I was simply pointing out that he wouldn't be in the same financial position as he is now if he met someone else who was childless, so no, that person wouldn't need to earn more. If 4 of you are managing on £45k, why do you think 3 wouldn't?

So he absolutely does have more options than you've stated, is all I'm saying.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2019 22:03

I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall now tbh. You don’t want a baby. He doesn’t want a baby. So don’t have a bloody baby. It costs about £100 to get married. If you can afford it then do it, if you can’t then don’t. It’s like you’re trying to fight things that aren’t fighting you back. It must be very stressful.

MsPavlichenko · 25/01/2019 22:11

Been with my partner about 16 years. My DC now 21 and 27, eldest is severely disabled. With me full time, bar the odd night with their Dad. Has worked wonderfully for us, and he is an amazing friend/carer and step parent to them.

But , I was clear I didn't want any more ( would have loved them with him , but not realistic) and he didn't want DC. Or other than with me. And for info, we still don't live together full time. Spend lots of time, all holidays, xmas etc together. It works and we are happy.

We were mid/ late 30s when we met. I am a few years older.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 25/01/2019 22:40

@Giesabreak Fiance actually wanted to find a woman who already had kids when he started looking for a new relationship after his marriage breakdown. He accepted that his was unlikely to have his own but would still love a family. If he'd have met another lady he'd still be bringing in the same wage (around £1,200 per month). I don't know what the average for a 43 year old man is but don't think this is a particularly big income for the average family (could be wrong though?) Depends on her financial position I guess.
Yes, two children to support with absolutely no money from an ex-husband does equal a lot of extra pressure you're right. But for him ready-made kids were an advantage in terms of what he wanted in life.

@MsPavlichenko Pleased to hear that I'm not the only one in a relationship where one party has biological children but the other doesn't. You sound really happy and proof that both parties don't necessarily have to have own children/more children to make it work ☺

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Blacktip · 26/01/2019 14:16

I have two sons and been with DH 14 years. I was 39 and he was 42 when we met. He had been married before but had no children through choice. He has been a fantastic father treating the boys as he would if they were his own. We felt we were too old to have our own child. The boys are in their twenties and much prefer DH to their bio Dad. They both have done well and got good jobs which they attribute to DHs support. We did have the usual teenage troubles with drinking etc but got through it as any family would. We just think of ourselves as a normal family of four, as do our friends and family. People often forget DH is not the boys biological father. We have no regrets not adding to the family.

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